


Bleeding Out

by FallingArtist



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clarke Griffin & Indra friendship, Clexa, F/F, NewCommander, Slow Burn, and i love her, non-Commander-Lexa is quite different, things could come out a bit OOC
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-30
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-04-06 23:51:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 51,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4241394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingArtist/pseuds/FallingArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke knows Lexa could be in danger. Grounders don't like being seen as weak and Lexa took them away from a fight. But Clarke has to deal with the new Commander to find Lexa.<br/>Could Indra and Clarke become friends?<br/>Clarke will see a lot of Lexa and Indra like she has never expected. And Lexa, oh non-Commander-Lexa can be so different. Prepare for a Lexa you have never seen, but maybe you have dreamt about sometimes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How to save a life

**Author's Note:**

> Work's title from a song by the Imagine Dragons.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is trying to reach Polis, she knows Lexa could be in trouble for forcing her people to retreat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter's title is from a song by the Fray, I'm sure you know it!  
> I was meant to upload this tomorrow, but I'll be out all day, so... Enjoy!

**Chapter One: How to save a life**

 

She has to find her.

The blood covers her hands and screams crack her mind. She hears them crying out in pain, she can see them dying. Innocent voices point their fingers at her. _Murderer_ , they're saying. She sees their skin burning, she hears them calling out for mercy. And she gave none.

Their children away from them, with a weak promise that they'll be fine, they died with nothing but fear and desperation. And she knows that.

Her mother will take care of them, her people will help them. But she can't stand looking in their eyes. She's the one who killed their parents. All of them. They were innocent, and she killed them without wavering.

But none of that matters. She has to find her.

Clarke has been wondering in the woods for days now. And yet she can't make out Polis. She should be almost there by now. But the forest still envelops her not willingly to give up.

She does not know what she will do once she reaches the capital. She does not know if they will let her see the Commander. But she needs to try.

 

And finally she can see the shape of a city in the distance. When she comes closer to gate some guards points weapons at her. She stops and let them know she means no harm. She asks about the Commander.

They recognise her as the Skai Prisa and she doesn't question when they say that Heda is waiting for her. She doesn't say anything when a more talkative guard tells her that Heda was about to send a messenger to the Sky People. She doesn't even show to notice when Indra, at the front of the Commander's tent, shut him up. However she does notice that something about her looks different. And there's no hate in her looks, no disappointment or disgust directed at her in her eyes.

Lexa wouldn't send her a message. She would guess that the Sky People don't want anything to do with them again.

When she enters the tent she tries her best not to flinch. She was expecting this, but it doesn't make it any easier to see the woman on the throne.

A woman who is not Lexa.

She looks more intimidating, ruthless and merciless than Lexa does. Lexa radiates strength and control, but this woman spreads out fear and power. She seems taller than Lexa, but her war paint is fainter. It's not as dark as the one of Indra, but it's the most complicated war paint Clarke has ever seen on a grounder. It speaks of royalty and grace. Her eyes are a dark shade of blue, nothing compared to the green ones Clarke lost herself into a fair amount of times. Lexa's eyes spoke when she couldn't, this ones say nothing and carry nothing but warning and hunger.

“The Princess of the Sky People has come to us. What a wonderful surprise. I wanted to send words to have a meeting with you, so I am well pleased that you are here.” her voice is calm and sweet as honey. Too sweet to be sincere.

“I went to speak with the Commander. To show your people that we have survived. Even after your betrayal.” she pauses. “But I can see she's no longer here.”

The new Heda smiles approvingly. “This is no longer her throne. She was a coward and she let us be seen as cowards. She deserved her fate.”

Clarke stomach flinches. What have they done? Is she too late?

“You will not get apologies from me, Sky Princess. Because it is not my place to apologize for someone I do not consider of my people and who's no longer with us.” she is testing Clarke. She's looking at Clarke as if searching for any sing that she cares for what has happened to Lexa. She's searching her for weakness.

“But I gave you revenge. I punished the traitor and I hope that will be enough. I have a new alliance for you and your people. You will not have to fear any weakness from me, I do not run from a fight. Ever.” her voice has turned cold near the end of the sentence.

Clarke needs to earn time. She needs to know more about this woman. She doesn't trust her and she's afraid that she's right in not doing it.

“Trust will need to be earned again. I will stay here for a few days. You can prove me that I can trust you. You can show me how you're different from the last one. Then I will make a decision, I will go back to my people and we can have a proper meeting soon after.”

Heda smiles again. She seems pleased with Clarke firmness. She waves for a guard and orders to ready a room for the Sky Princess in her quarter. She then stands up and is about to say something, her smile still in place, but Clarke speaks first.

“How did you punish the former Commander?” her voice gives away nothing about how worried and broken she feels. And she's proud of herself for that.

On the Commander's face appears a sad expression. “Why do you care, Sky Princess?”

“I want to make sure that she's been punished like she deserved. It was not your place. I should have been the one to do it. But if you've already done it, at least I want to make sure you did it properly.” her voice doesn't shiver. Her chin stays high and her body is still. As if she were indifferent. And she is so not indifferent. The opposite. She feels her heart being torn apart, again.

The smile returns. Heda looks convinced about her answer. “You can be the one who give her the last punishment. I guess it is only fair. The coward is not dead yet. I have to give it to her, she's tough. I can take you to her now, if that's your wish.” another test.

She can't seem eager to see Lexa. She straighten her posture and shakes her head. “There will be time for that. Keep her alive until I can take care of her too.”

Again the Commander looks a bit surprised, but pleased.

“Now I would like to see your city. I've heard that Polis is magnificent. Let's see if it is true or if it's just the pride of your warriors.”

She smiles at Clarke again and leads the way out of the tent.

 

Polis truly is magnificent. Lexa was right. There are high buildings and craftsmen sell their handiworks along the streets. There are all kind of stands. Someone sells food, someone jewellery, some people are sat on stools while someone braids their hair. Then she sees a bigger stand where there are only a few people. She moves closer to see what it's about.

Those people are receiving tattoos. They look like warriors and there's an atmosphere of solemnity.

“Is it ritual?” she can't help but ask.

“Sort of. It's an important moment of a warrior's life. We don't get our marks and tattoos casually. They have a meaning and we have to earn them.” the voice is sweet again, but steel.

She can't stop herself from imagining Lexa telling her these things. She figures Lexa standing there beside her, talking about her people's culture and traditions. Then she would ask more and more, she would be eager to know and they would go on talking until Lexa would have shown her the whole city. But Lexa's not here. She's probably in a great amount of pain somewhere in the city or near it. And she can't go to her. Not yet.

Her life seems to be a collection of “not yet”s. Will she ever be able to live the present?

She felt the need to grieve for Finn, but she couldn't because war was awaiting her. She felt something for Lexa, but she couldn't settle on it because her people needed her and she had to think about how keeping them alive in war. She was broken, shattered into pieces by Lexa and she hadn't the time to think about that or to fight the pain because she had to save her people, she had to think about how taking her people out. She wanted to let the pain crush her, she wanted the time to fight and tame it, the pain of loosing her soul for killing so many innocents, but she had to find Lexa. Now she would like to do nothing but run to the girl she has lost her soul for, but she's stuck with the new Commander. She wants to give in to her feelings, but she needs to stay strong and pretend that nothing can affect her.

“Do your people use tattoos for a different meaning?” the voice could sound curious, if it weren't for her eyes. They say nothing and are void of any emotion.

“Yes. They are not common in the first place. And when someone gets a tattoo is because they like it or it means something special to them. It doesn't have to mean something for everyone, it can be a personal thing. Usually it is not ritual.” she doesn't want to speak about her people with this woman, but she has to. She has to smile and pretend she's willingly to think about the alliance she proposed.

“Have you got any, Sky Princess?”

The title on her lips sounds wrong. When Lexa used it, it made Clarke smile mildly. But coming from this woman's mouth it sounds dark and bitter.

“Yes, I have.”

“I have some too. They represent my strength and power, my skill and prowess in battle.” she smirks at her and Clarke thinks it's frightening. She looks like an animal hunting its prey.

“You could get one from our clan after we seal a new alliance. To show you fight with us and we stand by your side.”

Clarke doesn't know what to say. “I'll think about that” she doesn't want to give her nothing but what is strictly necessary.

She nods but she seems a bit disappointed.

The Commander takes her to the training warriors and she comments some strategy or some particular skill. She sounds proud of her warriors. And that pride may be the first sincere emotion Clarke has seen in her eyes. Or we should say on her face, because her eyes are shining now, but it's not of pride. And Clarke is worried.

 

It is almost dark and Clarke is invited to have dinner with the Commander.

A long table is prepared for them and the generals. Behind that Clarke can see several others where warriors are sitting. Even further away she can make out yet other tables and she guesses that's where common people will sit.

At the head of the table, next to each other, are two thrones, a bigger one, amazingly decorated, and a smaller one, simpler but still remarkable. She figures the smallest one has been brought for her, but the Commander doesn't seem to take it nicely.

She points to the little throne and yell something. Some people hurry up to take it away. When they're coming back, Heda finally goes back to English.

“I wish to treat you as my equal and for everyone to do the same. I will not disrespect you and my people will treat you as the leader you are. The strong one who took down the Mountain.” some people cheer at her last words and she gives Clarke a pointed look which seems to tell her that Lexa wouldn't have done that.

Clarke doesn't care. The act only worries her more. This Commander doesn't treat her like the other grounders have done when they first saw her. She treats her like a friend. She pretends to be kind and friendly and Clarke knows better than that.

In the middle of the dinner something hits her. And she asks, scolding herself for not having asked it before. The Commander must have thought that she doesn't care and, as true as it may be, she can't have her think so.

“So, Commander, you haven't told me your name yet.” she tries to sound casual and relaxed.

The woman beside her laughs throwing her head slightly backwards. “I thought you would have never asked.” she smiles widely. “My name is Nydia.”

She's about to say her name too, out of habit, but she figures she should already know that.

“I'd like if you used my name to address me, Clarke.”

She hates her name on her lips. Lexa made it sound special, she rolled it on her tongue and made it come out so good that sometimes it caused goosebumps to rise on Clarke's arms.

“If that's what you wish, Nydia.”

Her smile would terrify Clarke if her heart weren't already too full of pain and sorrow to contain anything else.

 

Personal guards are assigned to her and they stay outside Clarke's room. Heda said she cares for her safety and there may be people loyal to the former Commander who she hasn't found and punished yet.

Clarke sleeps with an eye open and her gun under the pillow, her hand brushing against it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What about this? What do you think? Who could be the new Commander?  
> I know, I always save the children of the Mountain in my stories. I can't help it, I can't kill them. As a writer I can save them, so I will 'till the end. Forgive me. I'm “weak” ahah  
> I don't know how often I'll update this, but I hope to write it 'till its end. 
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language. 
> 
> Hope you like it! If you do, leave a comment, I love them! 
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> I don't own all the characters.


	2. Save me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Clarke has breakfast with Nydia and sees Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me...about Lexa...   
> Chapter's title from a song by Queen.   
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Two: Save me**

 

She wakes up at the sound of someone knocking. She calls out the most firm “yes” she can manage when barely awake.

“Skai Prisa, Heda sent me to ask you if you'll join her for breakfast.” the voice seems to belong to a young male insecure about English language. She can feel his uncertainty when he says “breakfast”. Grounders probably are unfamiliar with that word. She remembers the frown on Lexa's face when she struggled with a word that was new to her or that she wasn't sure how to pronounce. She was cute.

And Clarke surely can't think about that now! She scolds herself for giving in to the memories for an instant. She needs to answer the guy outside the door.

“I'll be there in a few minutes.” she stills her voice and starts to dress. Actually she's more like changing clothes. Heda has provided her with new clothes, but last night she hasn't even minded changing herself into something more comfortable. What if she had to escape or fight in the middle of the night? But no one came to hurt her or either disturb her.

She picks the simplest clothes she can find, the easiest to wear, because she has no time to figure out how to put on typical grounder clothes. The guy outside is not saying anything, but Clarke knows he's still there. He's probably waiting to lead her to the right place, because she probably wouldn't find where they're having breakfast on her own. But maybe she could have asked the guards.

However, when she comes out the room the boy is there and he bows his head at her, as do the other guards at the sides of the door. They all greet her with a respectful “Sky Prisa” and then they start to move. The boy is leading, he doesn't seem to be a warrior, so maybe he's an attendant of some sort. Two of the guards are behind her, the other one is at her right, walking slightly before her. They're alert, taking their job seriously even if they're in the capital, their home, but Clarke wasn't expecting anything less.

Nydia is waiting for her sat at a large table. She's alone, not one of her generals is with her. There are only two other girls in the room and they seem to be attendants.

The boy in front of her moves to the side to let her pass. Neither he or the guards follow her. Nydia gestures for her to sit on the other side of the table, in front of her. She waves for the others to leave and Clarke hears the doors being closed behind her.

The two girls hurry to her side, they pour her water and put a plate full of food in front of her. She thanks them and when Heda starts to eat she follows. The girls are silent at either side of the room, almost leaning against the wall like if they're trying to become invisible.

“Did you sleep well, Clarke?”

How she says her name. Clarke feels the need to vomit. It's so falsely sweet.

“Yes, thank you. I hope your sleep was good as well.” she forces herself to be polite. It feels so wrong to see her as Heda. Lexa is the Commander and she should still be. Instead she's being punished. Clarke's stomach turns and she has to swallow the food down forcefully to keep herself from throwing out. Luckily Nydia doesn't seem to have noticed anything.

“How did you do it, Clarke? How did you take down the Mountain on your own?” her eyes sparkles. And Clarke is afraid. When eyes normally void and frozen light up in that way, it's never a good thing.

“I killed everyone. I let the air from outside come inside. It killed all of them.” she tries to show no emotions, for she's being watched very carefully. Heda seems satisfied by not finding any weakness or sign of regret, but for a moment Clarke thinks she's also a bit disappointed, like if she were looking for something else too and she didn't find it.

Better if she found nothing. It's good for Clarke. She can't let that woman have anything that she could use against her.

“Didn't you save the children?”

And here we are. Weakness. Mercifulness.

“Children are innocent.” she allows herself to affirm. “But that's not the only point. My people are not as many as your people are. It would be good for us to grow this children as some of us. We need to increase our number and that is a good and quick way. If we can make the children feel and think that they're ones of us, that they are just like us, it only makes things better for us.” she has worked on this answer. She worried about that last night and she thinks she may have come up with something good. Or at least she hopes so.

“I'm impressed. Make friends out of your enemies.”

“Oh no, it's more like: make loyal soldiers out of people who are not yet your enemies.” She's doing well, if the look on the Commander's face and the twitch of her lips are clues she can reason on.

“A winning move. And a smart one.” her voice holds a certain respect Clarke wasn't expecting.

Clarke smirks. This score is hers.

 

They are watching the warriors training again. And Nydia turns to her with a frightening grin.

“I think I'm going to help them training a bit.” she takes a step forward, then she rotates her head a bit and she whispers “Watch closely.”

And Clarke doesn't know if that sounds more like a threat or a sex call, because from the tone of her voice it could be both. She would laugh if both options didn't scare her like they did.

Eventually Clarke does exactly what she's been told. She watches Nydia fighting like a lethal graceful lion. She's strong and fast, her speed confuses her opponents, her strength crashes them down. She has a fierce look in her eyes, and they sparkle again, terrifying and vicious.

This time Clarke doesn't think about Lexa, she doesn't make the comparison between the two. She doesn't remember how Lexa was graceful and strong, but so different, more like a lethal silent panther, hidden in the darkness and beautiful as much as deadly. She doesn't compare the feeling she got watching Lexa sparring, the feeling of being safe even in front of a dark queen of fighting, with what she feels now. Because Clarke can't move, can't think. Fear is roaring in her ears. This woman is more than a war machine. This woman looks like a goddess of war and death. And she does not look like one of the good gods. 

And the worst thing is that Nydia knows. She looks at Clarke for a second and she knows what she's doing to her.

Clarke struggle to regain control and eventually she manages to, thinking about what that woman could have done to Lexa. And some of the fear is chased away from rage and fury and sorrow. And suddenly the look on the Commander's face changes. She's taken off guard. She sees that Clarke is not afraid of her. Or at least that's what Clarke is trying to give away.

They lock eyes and Nydia is the first to break the connection. She turns around and block the sword of her adversary. Then she grounds him in two swift moves. Ehen she looks back at Clarke there's warning in her eyes, but also challenging. And her mouth widens in a smirk.

Clarke returns the smile.

When Nydia decides her warriors have had enough for the day it's time to eat and Clarke follows her back in her quarter, in the same room where they had breakfast. This time the generals join them. Indra is not among them.

What the hell happened? Clarke needs to figure out.

 

They've eaten and talked. The generals have introduced themselves and they have congratulated with Clarke for her strength in taking down the Mountain. They have not apologized for leaving, but they've made clear they didn't want to. Lexa has not been nominated and Clarke is kind of grateful for that, but they made it clear that they agree with the new Commander. And Clarke, how weird, is not surprised.

Now Nydia is leading her somewhere towards the walls around the city. She's not heading for any gate so Clarke figures they're not going out of the city.

The closer they get to the walls the more Clarke realizes that she hasn't seen this part of the city yesterday. For a while she thinks Nydia is showing her the rest of the city, then she hears it.

Someone is screaming and crying. She hears laughters. And other screams. It sounds like the owner of the voice is struggling to keep silent and failing.

Her heart could recognise that voice anywhere. Clarke can't breath.

She's not ready to see Lexa beaten and bleeding. She's not ready to know what they did to her. She's not ready to see a mutilated body or a screaming corpse slammed to the ground in a puddle of blood.

She sees none of that. Lexa is tied up to a tree. As grounder's custom. But they're keeping her alive to punish her longer. She's bleeding, she has a knife in her stomach when Clarke first sees her.

Some guards are throwing knives at her for fun. Clarke feels rage burning inside her, she needs to kill those people and the woman who's still walking at her side.

Nydia is looking at her while they approach Lexa. Clarke cannot waver now. She can't risk Lexa's life now that she has finally found her.

Lexa is beaten, blood covers her entire body, but she's alive.

For now.

The rising and falling of her chest is faint, but it's still there. For now.

Another “not yet”. Lexa is not dead  _yet_ . Clarke needs to remember that. 

“Enough!” Ndia's voice is strong and amused.

Lexa doesn't even move at the sound. She doesn't open her eyes either.

“Our Lexa has a visit.”

Not even this catch her attention.

Nydia turns and looks at her expectantly. Clarke doesn't know what to do. How should she address Lexa? What should she say? What would please the new Commander without shuttering the girl? Nothing.

“Lexa.” in the end nothing comes out, but a name. A name she has called so many times in her sleep, in the woods, every time she closes her eyes.

Lexa's eyes shot open. She struggles to raise her head and at first Clarke thinks she won't be able to. The she hopes she hadn't been able to do it.

Lexa's face is devastated. Her braids have been cut and her hair fall on her face reaching somewhere under her shoulder. Her lips are broken and her nose is still bleeding. But her eyes are what scare Clarke the most.

When she first opens them they are so void, lost and far away, but as soon as she actually sees that Clarke is really there all kind of emotions start to fill them. The first Clarke thinks it's relief. Then she thinks she sees love.

Love? What? No, Lexa doesn't love her.

But she can describe that look as nothing but love. And it breaks her. Lexa can't love her. Because if she does, her betrayal will be even more hard to stand for Clarke, it will tear her heart apart again and again every single day.

Then Lexa's eyes fills with regret. Then with what Clarke could guess is guilt. And sorrow. Eventually Lexa understand where they are and who is with them. And suddenly, when she realizes that Clarke is here with Nydia, her look turns into one of pure fear.

She's worried for Clarke. She's afraid. Clarke can't believe that.

“ _Klark_ ” the sound is less than a whisper, but Clarke hears it. Of course she hears it. She feels tears threatening to form in her eyes and she force them back. She can't risk. 

But the sound of her name finally on the right lips, finally coming from the right mouth, from the only person who can make her feel special just by pronouncing it. And this person is tied up, bleeding out, a knife still in her stomach.

Clarke wraps her hand around the hilt of it and takes it out slowly. Lexa lets out a whine of pain. Nydia may think that she's doing this to cause Lexa pain, it's what Clarke hopes, but Clarke is taking it out slowly because she would be able to stop if she understood that Lexa could bleed out too much. Anyway she needs to remember that she's meant to want to punish Lexa.

Clarke braces herself and starts talking.

_Lexa please don't believe me. Don't believe a word. I can't risk your life._

“Look at me, Lexa. Do you see me? I'm alive, Lexa. After you betrayed me and left me to die, I survived. I took down the Mountain and saved my people. And now we meet again, Lexa. What do you think I should do to you?” she tries to mark the sentences she means by saying her name. She tries to make it sound special for Lexa, but not suspicious for Nydia.

“ _Klark_...” she's crying. Lexa is actually crying. 

The look in her eyes is changed again and Clarke realizes with horror that Lexa thinks that she's really with Nydia. But worse than that, in her eyes there's no hate, no blaming, only sadness, regret, sorrow. And that stupid little sparkle of love. Clarke can't stand it any more. Lexa can't love her. She  _can't_ . 

Nydia laughs. “You can do what you want, Clarke.” she marks the name, she says it as if they were friends, like if she was accustomed to speak it often. And there's again that disgusting sweetness.

“You can torture her, cut her 'till she dies. Her life is yours to end.” Clarke knows Nydia is looking at her, controlling her. She should turn her gaze, but Lexa is looking at her too and it looks like she's begging Clarke to do it. To do it now and make it fast, but above all she seems relieved that Clarke is the one who's going to kill her.

It's too much. Lexa is willingly to die at her hand. She has to regain control over herself and her mask.

She forces herself to smile and nod. Then she pretends to think about it and she comes out with an idea, her smile widening to support the acting.

“I think I have better use of her than to kill her right away.” she smirks at the Commander, trying to sound convincing.

Nydia tilts her head slightly to the side, questioningly.

“As I have already told you, my people will not be eager to start a new alliance with yours. And sure, I know that things have changed and Lexa is not the Commander anymore. But, as much as they trust me, what if I could give them a real evidence of this change? It would probably make them more willingly to accept without questioning and it would also make them respect you. They would respect the one who gave them justice, don't you think?”

Clarke sees that the idea is kicking her way in Nydia's mind. But the Commander's not stupid. She trusts Clarke as much as Clarke trusts her. But Clarke has something she can work with. Heda thinks she's the best, and she thinks Clarke is afraid of her and respects her. So the fact that she underestimates Clarke could totally help the Sky Princess.

“And maybe giving Lexa what she deserves themselves could make them more kind towards your people. You know they don't trust your people anymore, but if they could let out their rage and resentment on her, they wouldn't do it on your people. And in an alliance this could help.”

Nydia seems torn. She can't trust Clarke, but Clarke is saying things that make sense.

Clarke can almost feel her mind fight her own decisions.

“You don't trust me.”

Nydia head shots up. She smiles. “We should never trust anyone. But I want to trust you, Clarke” sweet voice again. Clarke feels like punching her in the face right there and then. It's infuriating.

“Then I'll help you with that. I can't take her to my camp on my own. I will need some of your guards. So this is the deal.” she's proud of how steady and sure she sounds. “You give me her and an escort of five guards plus two or three guards among the ones who have already been in Camp Jaha and who can lead the way when the woods could confuse me. I let my people take their justice. I kill her. I talk to my people about our alliance when they will be most willingly to listen. Then I will send your guards back with a message. In which I will let you know when we will arrive for the meeting, because I'm sure that you know my people are not as good as yours at moving in the woods. I guess you want it to be here in Polis and I agree that it's a logical choice.” 

Clarke has almost already sealed this alliance, and that seems to please Nydia, who finally nods. “You shall keep the guards with you until you're coming back, so it will be easier for your people to move in the woods.” her voice is friendly and Clarke hates it, but she nods and smiles.

Lexa is silent again, her eyes still on Clarke.

“When will you leave?”

“Tomorrow morning, if that is okay with you, Nydia.” hearing Clarke asking for permission and her name spoken softly, as softly as Clarke can manage without feeling too sick, draws a smile from the Commander.

Though Lexa feels the name too. And her eyes shoot up, looking for Clarke's and not finding them.

“We should have someone bandage her to somehow keep her alive until I reach my camp.” if the sound of the “we” Clarke used makes Nydia's smile wider, the next words make it fade away.

Clarke knows she has to soothe her so she will not doubt too much. So she clenches her grip on the knife and slowly pulls it into Lexa's arm. Lexa flinches but keeps herself from screaming. This doesn't help Clarke. Nydia will not be convinced by a knife that doesn't draw screams. So she cut Lexa's thigh in a way she knows to be very painful but also very easy to heal.

This time Lexa screams.

Clarke's heart breaks, but it has broken so many times already that it almost feels familiar. And she swallows the sorrow and the guilt.

“Now we really have to bandage her somehow.” is Nydia satisfied comment.

Good, maybe now they can go and Clarke can hate herself without having to look in those eyes that are so forgiving and sorry.

Before going back to the centre of Polis Clarke shares a look with Lexa.  _Forgive me, Lexa. Understand, please._ But Lexa just watches her. And there is no blame, but no understanding neither. 

Clarke needs to cry, she needs to be alone and cry. She can't.

She makes her way back to the Commander's quarter. Nydia follows after her, not wanting to loose a single look between Clarke and Lexa.

Clarke feels Lexa's eyes on her. But she doesn't look back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are. We can actually start now ;)   
> And be patient, things will be explained.
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language. 
> 
> Hope you like it! If you do, leave a comment, I love them! 
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> I don't own all the characters.


	3. Can you feel my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Indra fight, then Clarke leaves Polis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title is from a song by Bring Me The Horizon. Listen to it if you haven't heard it!  
> I'll upload every friday if I can  
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Three: Can you feel my heart**

 

Clarke is fighting with Indra. Actually they're sparring, but Clarke doesn't really see the difference.

She knew that Nydia wouldn't have chosen Indra to go with her to Camp Jaha. The reason probably is the same as why she's no more among the generals. So Clarke has to be original about asking her for help.

Indra is over her, a knife pointed at Clarke's throat. But Clarke is holding it far enough that people won't take it as the end of the fight. She angles her head so that Nydia can't see her talking.

“Are there any warriors you trust to be still loyal to Lexa?” she whispers, then she pushes the knife away from her and tries to switch their positions. But Indra, even if taken aback, is really strong.

“What are you talking about, sky girl?”

“I haven't got time for a proper conversation, Indra.” Clarke hisses. “Do you want to help her or not? Are you a coward like everyone else here? Do you like seeing her like that?” she talks fast. She has no time. She thought Indra would have been willing to help. If she's wrong she's fucked up. If she's wrong Lexa will die. Clarke may die too, or may keep her life by killing Lexa herself. But Clarke can't think about it now. She needs Indra to be on her side. She saw how the former general looks at the new Commander and the hate in her eyes when Clarke came back after Lexa's punishment spoke more than any word could.

“You are using her to seal another alliance. You will die, sky girl.”

Good. At least now she's sure Indra has not turned her back at Lexa. Now Clarke has to convince her not to kill her right away and to help her.

“Indra! Listen to me for a second. To save Lexa I need you. I'm taking her out. I'm not going to kill her. I care. I'm weak, remember?” the last words are bitter and harshly spoken.

The warrior finally looks at her without the typical murdering glare. She allows Clarke to switch their positions this time. A cheer comes from the crow. Clarke catches the sight of Nydia smiling proudly. Disgusting.

She leans down has if to clench her hands around her adversary's throat.

“Find some warriors loyal to Lexa. Not too many or we will be too easy to localize. Bring them with you and follow us when we leave tomorrow. Attack us on the second or third day, when we're far enough from Polis. Attack in the morning so we have time to move after we kill the guards. Leave a guard alive and send them back here. You have to” Indra pulls her back and she stumbles backwards on the ground. The woman is on her again. She reaches for her knife and Clarke wraps her hand around the grounder's wrist to stop her.

“You have to make it look like I'm not involved in this. Make it look like it's about Lexa and people still loyal to her.”

Indra looks mad now. Clarke doesn't know why. The warrior manages to take the knife and it's again at the blonde's throat.

“You, coward, aren't even willing to risk.” she growls.

“Are you stupid, Indra? Think! I can't endanger my people like that, specially if there's another way!” she shouts in a whisper. 

She forces the knife back at Indra's throat and let it cut a little superficial wound, enough to drive blood, not enough to be in any way dangerous.

Indra nods. “I will do it, Skai Prisa.” and Clarke knows she means it.

Indra then takes the knife and is about to stab Clarke, when Clarke moves. Of course Indra would have stopped before hurting her, but why not winning this fight?

She slides under her, straightens her back until she's almost sitting and then hits Indra on the back with her elbow. She's quick at catching another knife while Indra goes down to the ground. She points it at the grounder's throat and a growl of frustration informs everyone that the Sky Princess won this fight.

 

Nydia was happy with the fight and she talked about that at dinner. She asked Clarke why she fought with Indra, why not with someone else. Clarke answered that there have always been a strong dislike and mistrust between the two. Nydia then told her that Indra was against punishing Lexa, even if she didn't refuse to do the ritual cut that was required from every general, which would probably have caused the former general's death. But after that Nydia was sure she couldn't trust her so she sent her to train the warriors, no longer a general. At that point Clarke was relieved she hasn't asked for Indra directly when Nydia agreed on sending some warriors who have already been in Camp Jaha with her.

Clarke couldn't sleep that night. Nydia didn't seem to be suspecting of her, but she's sure the Commander will send scouts after them when they leave. It is important that Indra does a good job in pretending to take Clarke prisoner. If she fails, Clarke's people will be in danger. She can't allow that.

It's morning and Clarke is saying goodbye to the Commander. A guard comes to them, the reins of a horse in his hand. And on the horse's back there's Lexa. She has been bandaged, but at first Clarke can't even say if she's awake. She leans into the horse's neck and she's not able to keep herself steady on the saddle.

Nydia touches her cheek with the knife, drawing the faintest line of blood. Lexa flinches a bit and Clarke knows she's awake. Then at a gesture of the Commander the guard handles the reins to a warrior who's already on his horse. Another guard leads Clarke's horse near her and offers her the reins. Clarke takes them and turns to the Commander.

“How long do you think you'll be gone, in the worst case?”

“How long does it take to get there on horse back?” Clarke answers back.

Heda looks up at the warrior behind Clarke.

“It would normally take two days, less if we speed up, Skai Prisa. But with her” he points at Lexa “it could take even four or five days. I don't know for sure.”

Clarke nods. “Then I guess, in the worst case, I will see you in a couple of weeks. I don't believe it will take more than that.”

Nydia seems satisfied with the answer. “See you soon, then, Sky Princess. Goodbye, Clarke.”

She can see a movement in the corner of her eyes, Lexa opened her eyes at the name spoken by the Commander. Clarke looks at her for a moment, but then turns to Nydia.

“May we meet again, Nydia.”

_Lexa, please, understand. You should get this, after you betrayed me you said these same words!_

Nydia smiles and when Clarke turns to get on her horse, she sees something in Lexa eyes. She doesn't understand yet, but there's a question. She can't let her own eyes answer that question now.

Soon. She hopes, soon.

The small party rides out of the city. Clarke looks back at Nydia, smiling. Then she spurs her horse faster and they disappear in the woods.

They keep a stable pace for the first hours. Until the warrior who rides with the reins of Lexa's horse has to stop to secure her again on the back of the animal.

He asks something in trigedasleng and Clarke turns her attention to him and the guy who's answering.

“English. You speak English when I'm present.”

They nod respectfully and the first warrior translates. “I asked for something to tie her to the horse.”

“Isn't she already tied?”

“Yes. But she was slipping off the horse. We should tie her better.”

Clarke nods and leaves them at it. She reaches the warrior at the front and asks how far he thinks they can go today keeping a similar pace. Not far. Good, so Indra will have all the time to ambush them.

Her stomach writhes when she hears Lexa's whines of pain. The warriors are tying her more and they're probably touching her wounds. Clarke hates that she can't do anything.

That night Clarke gives order to take Lexa in her tent, but one of the warrior says that she should be guarded by more then one.

“She's not dangerous like this, Skai Prisa. But you should not take the risk.”

Clarke nods and agrees. “You're right. Then take her into your tent, have someone keep an eye on her when you sleep. Is everything fine for the night guard?”

He nods vigorously.

“Do you need me to have a round?”

“Of course not, Skai Prisa. We'll wake you immediately if there's a danger.” he bows his head to take his leaving.

“Make sure all of you get the sleep you need as well.” she calls after him and he nods his understanding again. He greets her with her title once more and he's gone.

Clarke steps inside her tent, ready to sleep with an eye open again. She wanted to tend to Lexa's wounds, to tell her she doesn't want to hurt her, but she can't. And she also can't stop thinking. What if Indra manages to do it right, what if they can take Lexa somewhere? Then what? Where are they going to take her? Where could be safe from the new Commander? And will Clarke be able to heal Lexa? Her wounds are pretty bad, Clarke knows that there's a possibility that she doesn't survive. And if Lexa dies...

_No. Stop thinking._

Her sleep is hunted and gives her little rest. But next day she wakes up and readies herself for another day of pretending, of ignoring Lexa and her whispers of pain.

 

Indra attacks some time before noon on the third day. She is perfect. While the other warriors take on the guards, she immediately starts to fight with Clarke. She pins the Sky Princess on the ground and punches her in the face. Clarke groans. She would have been fine with a less realistic fight. She hears a whisper coming from Lexa. Something like “no” and then Clarke's name. And the former Commander is looking at Indra with pleading eyes. But neither Clarke or the warrior have time to settle on her. Clare fights back and Indra doesn't give up.

Indra's warriors are winning and soon the guards are all dead. When the Sky Princess is ready to relax a bit, knowing it's over and they can stop pretending, Indra hits her on the head with the hilt of her knife and Clarke's sight turns black.

When she opens her eyes again she's in a tent. Lexa is lying on a bed next to hers. Her face is clean from the blood but her bandages are still the same as before. It looks like Indra didn't find a healer to take with her.

Clarke sits up straight and she's about to stand from the bed when Indra announce herself from outside and enters the tent without waiting for an answer.

“You are awake, Sky Princess.” she greets Clarke. Her gaze shifts from her to Lexa.

“Why the hell did you hit...”

“There were scouts. They were watching us. You asked me to make it look like I was taking you prisoner, right?”

“Scouts. Yeah I expected that, but I thought you would have killed them.” But it's fine because the scouts will go back to the Commander and report her that Clarke has been captured, which is exactly the plan. Clarke's head is still pounding and Clarke reaches for it with her hand.

“I'm sorry it was stronger than strictly necessary, I may not be good at pretending to hurt without hurting.”

Is Indra apologizing? Is Clarke dead? Yeah, maybe Clarke died, or maybe she hasn't actually woken up yet, because Indra apologizing can't be real.

“You did well. How is she?” Clarke finally stands from the bed and steps closer to Lexa.

“Why are you doing this, sky girl?” Clarke has never heard that tone before in Indra's voice. She's actually curious and surprised, and hidden somewhere there's a hint of gratefulness. And probably the rational part of her doubts Clarke and doesn't trust her intentions.

“I don't want her dead, Indra. I could not leave her like that.” She knows Indra could ask further, but she's grateful when the woman doesn't.

“I need to change her bandages and check her wounds. Do you have something I could use?”

Indra gives her a strong nod and exits the tent.

Clarke finally approaches Lexa completely. Finally she can see how young the girl really is, and how vulnerable she is in this state. It sends a shiver of protectiveness down Clarke's back. She looks her over. Lexa's bad hurt. Really bad. Clarke feels tears forming and she has to swallow several times to control them. She starts taking off Lexa's bandages and she looks at her wounds. Some are infected. Great.

Indra comes back and she has some clean bandages and a girl behind her is carrying a bowl filled with water and something to clean the wounds.

“Do you need assistance, Sky Princess?” Clarke has no time to bother with the title, she nods to the girl and explains “Most of the wounds are infected, we need to do our best to clean them. Have you got any experience as a healer?”

“My father was a healer, I used to help him before joying the army.”

Clarke nods and they begin. Indra remains silent at a side of the tent for a while before sneaking out without a word.

Clarke and the girl, whose name is Zoe, spend several hours tending to Lexa's wounds. When they've finished, Zoe gets up and tells Clarke she'll bring some food. Clarke nods grateful and as soon as the girl is out of the tent, Indra enters.

She doesn't speak, but Clarke knows what she wants to ask. “She's stable, for now. She will survive the night.”

Indra nods and asks if Clarke needs anything.

“Where are we?”

Indra guarantees they're in a safe place for now. But they'd better move as soon as possible. Clarke asks if she knows somewhere they can go and Indra is unsure.

“Speak, Indra.” Clarke is tired and she just wants to get some rest. She hasn't got time for heavy silences.

“I am not sure, Sky Princess. The Boat People may offer shelter, but not for long if Heda finds out they are hosting a traitor.”

“So that's what Lexa is? A traitor? I mean, yes, she is, but shouldn't she be a traitor to my people only?”

Indra straightens her back, but her eyes are sad. “She was weak. She avoided a fight. She made us look like weak people. That is not tolerated, that is betrayal as well.”

“Do you agree with this?” Clarke feels rage building up inside of her and she has not the strength to control it in this moment. She's tired and she can't worry about her feelings too.

“I didn't agree with what Lexa did. I didn't agree with the retreat. But she was my Commander and I would have never questioned her. I understand why some of my people saw that as betrayal. And as a Commander she made a mistake, a one bad enough to cost her the Commander's title. But as a person and being someone who knows Lexa, I have never wanted to see her like this.”

This is shocking. Indra is talking about feelings. She's saying she cares for Lexa. Clarke is unsettled by this. She expected a logical and stoic answer, maybe a one in Lexa's defence, but surely not this.

Indra looks highly uncomfortable and when Zoe announces herself and comes in with the food, the former general leaves the tent silently.

They haven't decided where to go, and Clarke scolds herself for forgetting. But she's just so tired. She just wants to eat and then sleep.

When she lies down on the bed again she can't bring herself to give in to a carefree sleep. She still doesn't trust anyone completely.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that some things are not so clear and they could sound weird...but trust me, I'll explain. You know...Indra still has to tell us what happened, how Nydia took power...  
> What do you think so far? Let me know! 
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language. 
> 
> Hope you like it! If you do, leave a comment, I love them! 
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> I don't own all the characters.


	4. Blessed with a curse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wakes up and Clarke talks with Indra. We may get to understand better what happened to Lexa...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So, I'm just a day late, and it's not completely my fault, I kind of had some problems with internet. But here's a new chapter for you! Something starts to make sense, but I wouldn't want to give you too much and ruin the surprise!  
> Chapter's title from a song by Bring Me The Horizon.  
> There will be a lot of mistakes, 'cause I'm kind of in a hurry and I haven't got time to properly go over it yet, so understand me.  
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Four: Blessed with a curse**

 

Clarke is suddenly woken by someone coming in. She hears the flap of the tent being shifted. Her body is immediately on alert. She's suddenly sitting on the bed, ready to stand, a gun in her hand.

“It's Zoe. I mean no harm. I'm sorry I woke you, Sky Princess.” the hurried voice reaches her before Clarke can actually recognise the girl. But as soon as she does she nods slowly and puts the gun down. She thinks she can hear a sigh of relief from the warrior.

“I went to change her bandages” the girl tilts her head in Lexa's direction. “There was no need for you to wake for an easy task like that.”

“It's fine. Since I'm awake, I'll get a look at Lexa's wounds.”

Zoe nods and approaches Lexa's bed turning her back to Clarke, but waiting for her. Then she seems to think about it and she turns again “Do you want to change first?”

“I only have these clothes, so I guess I'll be okay.”

“I could find something, I think my clothes would fit you.”

Clarke isn't surprised at hearing that they have brought clothes, they'll probably be spending a lot of time in the woods indeed. So she nods but says they can take care of it later.

She joins Zoe at Lexa's side and they start working with the bandages. Luckily the wounds haven't gotten worse during night, but the former Commander still won't be able to be moved for one or two more days.

“Do you know any herbs we could find around here that could help the healing?”

The young warrior nods and she's out of the tent in a second. Clarke is left alone with an unconscious Lexa. Clarke is concerned to see that she doesn't look peaceful even in her sleep. She looks troubled instead. As if something is hunting her and Clarke knows there are a lot of things that can be hunting her. Lexa's probably mostly hunted by her people, the need to protect them and the impossibility of doing so now. Or maybe she thinks about how they turned their back at her. But Clarke's sure that Lexa would be more than ready to fight for them again, she's sure the former Commander would still die for her people. Lexa must be broken by what happened, but Clarke thinks she will fight again for her people if they need her. Of course she will. Her people come first.

She should be angry at her, she should hate Lexa. And she does. Well, no, she hates the Commander. She hates that Lexa has to choose her people. No it's not that, she just hates that Lexa left her behind and as much as Clarke knows that it hurt Lexa too, she can't bring herself to really acknowledge it. Her brain just shouts her that Lexa doesn't care. It's easier. It hurts like hell, but it's something she can deal with. If Lexa doesn't feel anything important for her, if she didn't care for Clarke, if leaving the sky girl to die didn't mean anything to the grounder, Clarke could work with that. She could one day forget Lexa and go on. But if Lexa cared, if Lexa felt something for her, then she's fucked. Because how is her heart supposed to deal with it? Her mind can understand why the Commander would choose duty over love. But her heart can't. Lexa cared for her and left her to die, her heart couldn't stand this thought. And it screams to her that Lexa simply loved her people more then she could care about Clarke. And Clarke screams back that it's fair, of course it is. What they had couldn't be love! And if it weren't love, it would be only right that she cared more for her people then for her crush. But her heart bitterly reminds her how she was ready to sacrifice 250 people, but not Clarke. So she needs to know that Lexa doesn't care for her and never did.

“I'll help you, Lexa. Then I'll forget about you forever.” and Clarke knows she's talking to herself. Trying to convince her heart. “I don't hate you. Why should I? You can only hate people you care for. And I won't care about you for long.” But her heart speaks so loud.

Liar. Liar. Liar. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.

 

Zoe is back with some herbs half an hour later and Clarke has taken care of cleaning the wounds. Then they eat something and Zoe gives Clarke new clothes that fits her quite well since the warrior's size is the same as the sky girl's. Clarke never leaves the tent, waiting for Lexa to wake up. Indra is taking care of everything, she has scouts in the woods, guards patrolling the area and they are ready to leave in a hurry should Nydia's soldiers find them.

Lexa opens her eyes only late into the evening. Clarke immediately tells a guard to bring some food and other water. Lexa needs to feed herself and Clarke keeps her from standing up, instead she helps her to sit on the bed.

The former commander's eyes are looking Clarke's with such intensity Clarke can feel them piercing her soul. They are gleaming with tears and a hand reaches out as if to touch Clarke, but Lexa retracts it before it can lie on the Sky Princess' arm.

Clarke simply looks at Lexa silently. Her eyes give away nothing about what she's feeling. Relief, so much relief. But also pain, hurt, anger. She doesn't want Lexa to know her conflicted emotions just yet. They will need to talk, but she would like do it when Lexa feels better. And then, Clarke will stay with her, will help her, and she will give her back to her people. If that's what Lexa wants. Clarke will help her go back, if the girl will ask. And if she won't, Clarke will take her to a safe place, with Indra's help. Then Clarke will leave. She will go back to her people and face Nydia. She will never look for Lexa again, she will never go to her again.

Lexa opens her mouth to talk, but her voice won't come out. She clears her throat to try again, but it hurts and her eyes close for a moment.

“Don't. Just don't. You have to eat now and regain strength. We need to move as soon as we can.” Clarke shushes her and when she sees that Lexa is still trying to talk, she adds “Later.” and her voice doesn't give any alternative. It is firm and cold and Clarke tries not to notice when Lexa flinches at hearing it.

Lexa shuts her eyes, but doesn't say anything.

They just stay there, staring at each other. Sometime Lexa would close her eyes, but Clarke's look wouldn't become softer. It is like the Princess is trying to look past Lexa. It's so hard for Clarke to keep the distance, she wants nothing more than to throw everything at the wind and take Lexa in her arms, but that would just mean getting hurt again. Because Lexa can't be with Clarke. And maybe now Clarke couldn't be with Lexa either.

After what she has done at the Mountain, after the monster she has became, she's not sure she could accept love, if Lexa could ever love her. She doesn't deserve it, and she doesn't know if she could stand the guilt of being loved after what happened. And that's also the problem about going back to her people. Her mum, Bellamy, her friends will understand what she did, the sky people will think she saved them and will probably thank her for it. And she can't stand the idea of them loving her when she's nothing more than a murderer.

When the guard comes back with food and water Clarke snaps out of her thoughts. And when Lexa seems able to eat on her own, Clarke stands up and goes to her bed. She takes out a knife and starts sharpening it trying to keep her mind busy. But of course the mechanical work doesn't help with it and Clarke tightens her grip on it before she stands up and strides toward the opening of the tent.

She hears a low, small “Clarke” a second before she exits the tent, but she ignores it. Once out she thinks about going to talk with Indra, but she figures it would be better do it later, when she will have an idea if they can move Lexa. Her wounds should heal fine, a lot of them will leave scars, but she should be okay. But she needs time. Still, the cuts are not infected and she is stable, so maybe they could move soon. She doesn't want to be stuck here waiting for the Commander to find them, and surely neither does Indra.

She could use a walk in the woods, but she knows it's not safe. So she just stands there, taking deep breaths. Soon Indra approaches her and asks if Lexa is awake. Clarke nods and tells the former general that she can go see her. Indra gives her a grateful nod and enters the tent, announcing herself before walking inside.

From where she is, Clarke can hear the interaction. Indra asks if Lexa's okay, if she requires anything. It almost makes Clarke smile, how Indra treats Lexa like the Commander but can't help the worry in her voice. When Indra first call Lexa “Heda”, the other girl doesn't answer. When Indra insists in calling her Commander, Clarke can't hear Lexa's voice, but Indra goes on, so the girl probably just nodded.

Then the two start talking in Trigedasleng and the only thing Clarke catches is Lexa's name. She figures it's a personal conversation if Indra is calling her by her name, so she walks a bit further from the tent. Not that she could understand much anyway.

When Indra comes out she walks past Clarke, but then she stops a few feet from her.

“Thank you, sky girl.” she doesn't turn, but Clarke knows how much those words mean coming from Indra.

“Later we will talk about when we can move. I think it could be soon.” is Clarke's answer.

The warrior nods and walks away. After a while Clarke turns and goes back in the tent.

Lexa is still sitting on the bed. Her eyes are on Clarke as soon as the girl enters. There is so much pain, hurt, regret, and something else completely in those eyes and Clarke can't stand it. She can't deal with that now. She needs to check Lexa's wounds. She considers calling Zoe to help her, so that she wouldn't be alone with Lexa and she could avoid this talk, but she decides against it.

“You shouldn't tire yourself. Lie back down.” she says while approaching the bed.

“Clarke...”

“No. Lie down. I need to check your wounds.” Clarke struggles to steel her voice.

Lexa takes a shaking breath and does as she's told. Clarke starts to undo her bandages and suddenly she is very aware of Lexa's eyes. She knows that both of them are thinking about those small parts of their skin that will soon be in contact. It's way easier to touch Lexa when she's unconscious. Clarke realizes that Lexa will soon be half naked in front of her, her bare torso before Clarke.

She tries not to think about it. She tells herself she has already done this and she can do it again, this time is no different from the other. Except that Lexa's awake and she's watching Clarke with those sorry, loving eyes.

She feels Lexa shiver when Clarke's hand touches her skin. She tries to keep it from trembling. While she works on cleaning her wounds, Lexa closes her eyes and lets out a broken whisper of Clarke's name. Clarke does her best to ignore it.

When Lexa's body is covered again, Clarke stands from the bed, but this time Lexa's hand actually reaches her arm and holds on to it.

“Please.” is all what Lexa says. Clarke doesn't think she has ever heard her pleading and she stills for a moment.

“Clarke...I...” Lexa trails off, unsure. She looks up at Clarke and a tear finally escapes her eye. “I missed you.” Then she closes her eyes and releases Clarke's arm. Her voice is hoarse and scratchy from not having been used a lot lately. “Please. I need to...”

“Stop. I have to go talk to Indra. Do you think you can stand a ride if we were to leave tomorrow?”

A few other tears run down Lexa's cheek. “Yes.” it's only a whisper and her voice sounds desperate to say more, but Lexa restrains herself.

“Sleep.” then Clarke leaves the tent.

Now the tears are streaming freely on her face. When Clarke leaves Lexa closes her eyes.

Outside Clarke releases a sigh. She can't let herself cry but she feels the pieces of her shattered heart cut her from the inside. _Of course you missed me, Lexa. Of course you missed me when you were in trouble. And you know what, I didn't miss you. I will forget you and take my life back._ And she knows she's being unfair, but she needs to. Or she will break, and there's no one who can put her back together.

 

Clarke and Indra have decided that they will leave the next day around noon, so that Clarke can tend to Lexa again before moving her. Clarke was concerned about how they could move her without hurting her more, but Indra said she can take Lexa on her horse and keep her still so she won't get too hurt from the jolts of the horse. And since Clarke didn't have anything better to propose, she agreed and they settled that the party will keep a slow pace.

Now Clarke is avoiding going back in the tent by walking around the little camp, pretending to be checking how everything goes. She meets Zoe and tells her to be ready to leave tomorrow, she asks her to come in her tent in the morning to help her with Lexa's wounds and to bring food because Lexa will need it. She instructs her to stay right behind Indra tomorrow, so that if they need help with Lexa she'll be right there.

After a while, however, Clarke has to go back to the tent. She doesn't feel like facing Lexa again and she really hopes the girl is sleeping. So she lets out a sigh of relief when she enters the tent and Lexa seems asleep.

Clarke doesn't even bother changing, she just strips out of her jacket and kicks off her boots. She places the gun under the pillow and discards her belt on the floor. She's ready to give in to sleep, she's lying on the bed and her eyes are closed, when Lexa's voice reaches her.

“Clarke, can we talk tomorrow?”

The voice is a little steadier than before, but it still sounds little and it's just above a whisper. Only loud enough for Clarke to hear, but low enough to sound that of a scared child.

Clarke doesn't reply. She turns to the other side and when Lexa doesn't insists she can finally fall asleep.

 

* * *

 

They're keeping a steady pace and Indra hasn't had any problem with carrying Lexa on her horse so far. There are guards ahead of them, leading the way, and guards behind them, well, there are guards all around them actually. Clarke thinks they're safe enough. She's riding slightly behind Indra, Zoe is at her side and Lexa has somehow managed to fall asleep in her warrior's arms. Which would be a cute scene if it had been any other moment. Though Indra doesn't seem to be totally comfortable with it.

They stop a couple of time to check Lexa's cuts and change her bandages. Zoe has found other herbs and when they stop for the night, she makes a tea for Lexa.

The former commander is awake and eating when she goes to give her the herb tea. Lexa thanks her and shyly asks where Clarke is. Zoe is conflicted about what she should say. She knows Clarke doesn't want to be here, she went to eat with the warriors because she said she needed a break. She doesn't know what she's supposed to say to Lexa, so she settles for telling the truth without dwelling on the reasons.

“Skai Prisa _is eating,_ Heda.”

Lexa wants ask the warrior to tell Clarke that she needs to see her. But she knows what Clarke answer would be, and she doesn't want to show this girl how desperate she is. So she settles for a formal request.

“ _Tell the Sky Princess I'd like to have a meeting with her as soon as she finishes her meal._ ”

“Sha, Heda.” Zoe hesitates. “ _I think the_ Skai Prisa _already has a meeting with Indra after dinner. So she may not come until late. She will sleep here anyway._ ” She doesn't want to disrespect her, but she knows Clarke won't come to her before the time unless something were wrong with her wounds.

Lexa feels angry at this girl, but the warrior is right and she knows it. “ _Tell her anyway._ ” but this time her voice is less imposing.

 

Clarke tells Zoe that Lexa will have to wait. She asks her if Lexa's wound are fine, and when the warrior nods, she dismisses her and leaves to find Indra. They need to talk. They need to figure out where to go.

“Sky Princess.” Indra greets her when Clarke joins her at the border of the camp.

“So, Indra, do you think the Boat People will really offer Lexa protection?”

Indra seems to think about it, then she answers slowly. “They will hardly offer protection, not when it would mean going against the new Commander. But the leader used to be Lexa's friend, so I believe she will let us stay in their territory. She'll probably offer us a place where to stay, but I doubt she would side with us should the Commander find us.”

“She has to protect her people.” Clarke says, she understands that.

Indra nods and then they remain silent for a while. Clarke doesn't want to go to Lexa and there are a lot of questions messing up her mind.

“How did it happen?” and she's sure Indra understands what she's talking about.

Indra tenses beside her, but she turns to the trees and eventually she answers.

“Nydia was a general. Actually she was not a general since long. Before she was in charge of a big village to the north of our territory. She was known as a very good warrior, sometimes Ice people would pass the borders and attack trikru villages in the north, but she has never lost a battle against them. Her village was the one even the Ice warriors feared. Some years ago, when Heda forged the Coalition, she became general. But she didn't settle in Polis, she went back to her village and came to the capital only when she was required. She never missed meetings, but she always went back and forth.

“When we came back from Mount Weather all the generals were at the capital, as it was expected. But at the meeting some of them questioned Heda's decision. They said she had been weak and had made trikru be seen as weak. But most of us were still at Heda's side. Then Nydia spoke. Her speech was powerful and logical, she talked about how the other clans would see the retreat, and specially how the Ice Nation would see it as weakness. She talked about honour and trikru's strength, and she was very convincing. We had to vote, we could not decide if the Commander were to be processed, but we voted to bring her under the judgement of the Elders.”

Indra turns to look at Clarke and the sky girl keeps her eyes fixed on the warrior's.

“At the end of the meeting we were two. Two of us refused to turn against our Heda. The others won and Nydia was the one who went to speak with the Elders. The Elders judgement was the one you can imagine. They said Heda had been weak and that we had to free the Commander's spirit so that it could find someone stronger. The other generals let Nydia take the lead of the ceremony. In order to free the Commander's spirit, Heda has to die, but Nydia was not satisfied with that. I do not know why, but she wanted the Commander to suffer. She said Lexa had to be punished for making us looking weak. But it sounded more personal to me. But the Elders had spoken. No one can doubt their judgement.”

“But Lexa's alive. So how can Nydia be the Commander?” this question has been wandering in her mind for a long time now.

“Nydia is the Commander just for now. When Heda's spirit will show in a new body, that person will be the Commander. But to really answer your question, Nydia did kill Lexa, indeed. There is an herb, I believe the people from the old world called it _akolituum_ ”

“ _Aconitum_?” Clarke knows that herb, it is very dangerous and powerful, it could kill or heal, in the right hands.

“Yes. I believe that is the name. We call it Wolfsbane. It is a very powerful plant, I do not know what it could do before the radiations, I do not know if they changed it, but we use it with respect and fear. Nydia must be familiar with it, because it grows in her territory to the north more than here, and she made good use of it. She used it to poison the Commander, but Lexa was dead only for a small time. Enough for the Elder to see it, enough for everyone to see it. The trikru think Heda is dead. Very little of them know the truth. The ones that know it are here with us, or have chosen to give their loyalty to Nydia.”

So Nydia kept it a secret? But how is that possible? “But Lexa was in Polis. How could anyone not know it? And there were guards with her.” Clarke pushes away the memory of what they were doing to Lexa and the rage that comes with that thought.

“She kept Heda hidden. The place where you saw her is not a somewhere people are allowed to go.”

Well, Clarke did actually noticed that there were very few people around.

“It is where Nydia personal soldiers settled. Everyone thinks Lexa is dead. Maybe some of the generals know the truth, I do not know about the Elders. But that is not important. I do not know why Nydia wanted Lexa to suffer, but the people chose her to be the new leader until the Heda's spirit finds a body and shows itself.”

It feels wrong. There is something wrong in the story.

“Indra, were the people happy with Lexa's condemn?”

“No, Sky Princess. But they respected the Elders' decision. We all do. No one can question it.” Indra straightens her back and looked Clarke in the eyes. “I am here and I am loyal to Lexa. But she is not the trikru Commander anymore.”

“You called her that, though.”

“She is the Commander to me, she is the leader to these warriors who are loyal to her. But by doing this, we betrayed our people.” Indra doesn't look down, nor she turns her gaze, but Clarke can finally see the heavy weight on her shoulders, in her voice, the sorrow for having to choose between her people and her leader. But she cares about her leader for her leader is Lexa and Clarke figures she must have known Lexa for a long time, as Anya had, so Indra made a choice Clarke would have never expected of her. But Clarke thinks it was the right choice.

“Indra, Lexa is alive. The people would want her back. She is the Commander, she's not dead.” Clarke keeps her voice low and calm.

“She died, sky girl. Even if for little time, it was enough for the Commander's spirit to move on.”

Clarke knows there is nothing to add, but she is so not convinced about this. All of this feels off. There is more than what they know.

“You said, where they kept Lexa is where Nydia's soldiers settled.” Indra gives her a nod and Clarke goes on. “So she was prepared. She planned this. And you said you think it's something personal.”

“What are you thinking, sky girl?” this time it's Indra's voice that turns low.

“I'm just wondering. Maybe she had all well planned, maybe she forced the Elders' decision. You said she was the one who talked to...”

“Stop, Princess.” Indra growls. “What you are saying is something bigger than yourself. The Elders cannot be corrupted or blackmailed. Do not ever try to say something like that again.” her eyes sparkle with fury and Clarke thinks it would be wise to drop the issue.

“So you're not going to do anything about Nydia? Do you think she could be a good leader for your people?”

Indra growls again. “Do not get yourself involved with this, sky girl. The people accepted her, and they weren't forced to. They did not want their Heda to die, but once it was done, they could only choose someone to lead them before the spirit comes back, and they did. The generals agreed and gave Nydia their support, I do not like her, but my people chose their new leader, and I am going to respect that.”

Clarke thinks back at how Nydia treated the people in her quarters, how she looked at them as mere servants rather than her people. She can't stop feeling like something is terribly wrong, but she can't have an argument with Indra and they need to take Lexa in a safe place.

She's about to ask Indra if that means she doesn't plan to ever go back to her people, but she decides against it. It's not the right time, or probably is simply the worst time.

So she turns toward the warrior and simply says “Thank you, Indra.” The woman looks at her with curiosity in her eyes, but then she nods “Have some rest, Skai Prisa, tomorrow we leave early.”

Clarke walks back to the tent she shares with Lexa. She's still lost in thoughts of what she has learned. She thought the trikru had turned against Lexa, but it wasn't like that. They didn't want her dead. And they don't know she's alive. Clarke feels bad for that, it would be fair that they knew. But if Indra were right, nothing good would have come from that, because the Elders had spoken, and Lexa was a traitor.

She can't dwell on her thoughts for long, anyway. As soon as she enters the tent a voice calls for her. It's a tender, broken whisper of her name, and after hearing Indra's story, Clarke doesn't have the strength to simply ignore Lexa. She will let her talk, but she will not crumble, she will not give in to her feelings.

“Clarke.” the voice calls again and Clarke's eyes make out Lexa's form as they adjust to the darkness. “Let me talk. Please, I need to.”

Clarke walks to the bed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you can stop thinking that I'm irrational and what happened to Lexa doesn't make sense, yes? There is more. Clarke is right, something is terribly wrong. And of course I'll make you wait for it, don't hate me too much. Nydia's story is not over, there is so much you don't know about her. Stay with me, next chapter we finally hear Lexa! 
> 
> ~ So, I was not going to do any spoiler, but there's just this person who's really annoying. I'll make it clear, no, I'm not stupid and I do not think that simply dying for a very small amount of time can leave a person without a spirit. The mere fact that some of the characters (not even all of them) think that, does not mean that it is true in the story. Plus, I do like to think about Lexa's soul and the Commander's spirit as kind of two different spirits, or parts of her, that live inside her. Now, I just told you that dying for some minutes does not take away the spirit...so maybe (hey, just maybe) you can figure out what that means on your own. Now if you could stop annoying me on the websites where I publish my fanfic, I would be grateful. Also because what you say is always the same, and it's kind of boring. Thank you.  
> I'm sorry for the others who like this fanfic and just got a spoiler, but I was kind of pissed. Also, don't expect me to act on that spoiler too soon...I did say that I would have made you wait. I love you guys who support this :D ~
> 
> Hope you like it! If you do, leave a comment, I love them! 
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language. 
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> I don't own all the characters.


	5. The fire breathes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They reach the border with the Boat People and Clarke has a small talk with Indra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I'm late! I've been pretty busy and I need to study for some exams so I could be late again.  
> This is short but I'll try to make up to you guys.  
> Chapter's title from a song by the Skillet.  
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Five: The fire breathes**

 

“I thought you were dead. I thought I killed you.” Lexa's voice is broken and small. But Clarke clenches her jaw and waits for the rest.

“I thought I had sacrificed what was left of my heart that day at the Mountain, but here you are.” she takes a deep breath and when she talks next her voice is just a bit steadier, but Clarke notices that. “I thought I had to live with the knowledge of having killed you. But things got worse. When the Elders condemned me, I realized I had to live, if I were lucky only for a very short time, knowing I had betrayed and got you killed for nothing. But it wasn't for nothing. Clarke, I'm sorry. I believed I had to save my people, instead they wanted me to take them to die and win. I did what I thought it was right, and I was wrong. I was wrong and I lost you for nothing.” She exhales loudly before steadying her voice once again and going on, Clarke still silent at the side of the bed.

“But you're here, because you're stronger than me, you're just as strong as I thought you were. A small part of me has always known that you would have done it, your love for people, your passion would have won. Now I can't stop thinking that I lost you for nothing, and at the same time I haven't lost you, because you're here. And I don't understand. Why are you here?”

Clarke is confused by this Lexa. She doesn't think she has ever heard Lexa talking so much about herself and her feelings. And what is she supposed to say now? Should she lie and answer vaguely not to hurt her too much, or should she tell her the truth? And she decides truth would be better for both of them.

Her heart so doesn't agree with calling it “truth”.

“I know why you did that. And I suspected that some of your people wouldn't have liked it, even if I thought a little rebellion could happen, but surely not this. You told me they don't like to be seen as weak.” Lexa closes her eyes at that, but Clarke goes on. “I was starting to care about you, and we both are young, you made a decision I didn't agree with, but it's what was required of you. I came to check that you were okay, and you weren't, so I decided to help. Why? As I said, I was starting to care about you. And even if you destroyed that, I've never wanted you dead.”

Liar. Clarke tries to make her heart shut up.

Lexa's eyes are searching hers, when she seems to believe Clarke, she closes her eyes again. She then nods and Clarke can see her struggling to build some of her walls again. But she fails almost completely.

“I thank you, Clarke of the Sky People. But I should have died as the Elders decided.”

Clarke chooses not to reply at that, because she still has to figure out what is that feels so off about that matter.

“You should go back to your people, they need you. And if the Commander thinks you betrayed her and saved me, your people are in danger.” she turns to look away from Clarke.

Clarke feels her stomach flinching at Lexa talking about a Commander who's not her. “Indra made a good show when she attacked the party we left Polis with. I believe Nydia thinks Indra is the one who saved you and took me prisoner. I will go back to my people when you're safe and your wounds are healed. As soon as we reach a safe place I will ask Indra to send scouts to my people to see if they're okay and if Nydia went to them. However, I don't think she will attack my people, she wants an alliance. I believe she wants someone who can use Mounth Weather's weaponry, it would mean holding a lot of power, and she seems the kind of person who loves power.”

Lexa's expression twists when Clarke says Nydia's name. “Will you go back if she managed to seal an alliance with your people?”

“I do not know. Probably.” Clarke answers coldly. She really doesn't know, at first she thought she could have gone and talk to them, explaining them what she is doing, but of course she can't. They would never help Lexa and they would stop Clarke from returning to her. Clarke can't blame them. But then, what will she do if Nydia goes to them and seal an alliance by telling them Clarke has been taken by people still loyal to Lexa and by asking them to go with her in Clarke's rescue? Which would, however, only be Lexa's capture, because surely Nydia doesn't care for Clarke at all.

“I guess it's only fair that in the moment I could live according to my heart, I've already lost everything I could have lived for.” Lexa's voice breaks the silence that has grown between them. Clarke was about to turn and move to her bed, when the cracked voice reaches her.

“You will heal. We both will.” she makes her way to the other bed.

“Clarke...”

Clarke stops but doesn't turn around.

“I know you will never forgive me, I know I've lost you and what we could have had. But...” the voice trails off.

“But what? There is no but."

“I care, Clarke. I do.” it's like a plea, but Clarke can't listen to it.

“Of course you do.” then she lies down on the bed and fights her heart that keeps her awake.

Lexa doesn't talk again and the two girls fall asleep, hearts bleeding and minds struggling to keep control.

 

 

The next day they travel more, Lexa doesn't try to talk with Clarke and the sky girl doesn't know if that's good or bad. Lexa starts to gain some strength on the fourth day and on the seventh she's riding without assistance, though her body is still weak and she has to make a great effort to keep herself from falling.

As the days go on, Lexa almost stops trying to speak with Clarke, and Clarke wonders if she is even present. The former Commander is always silent and never talks to anyone, except for small talks with Clarke and sometimes Indra.

 

Finally they reach the border of the Boat People's lands. Indra decides it is safer if they send a messenger to the capital, though is a suicide mission if Nydia or her warriors are in town. When the chosen warrior takes off, they ready the camp to spend some nights there. It will take a couple of days for the rider to reach the capital, so they decide to move camp everyday, just in case Nydia were lucky enough to find them there.

 

Lexa is resting and the night is starting to take over the day when Clarke finds Indra with some warriors. She's giving orders to the patrols and when she's done she turns to Clarke, waiting for her to speak.

“What happens after we get Lexa somewhere safe? What will these people do?”

Indra looks at her as if she were joking. “They will stay with Lexa. They can not go back and they still are traitors, there is nothing they can do but stay with Lexa. And do not think that we will not need to fight, safe is a word you should never be sure about, Lexa will need her warriors.”

Of course these warriors are enough loyal to give up everything and stay with their leader. “And when Lexa heals completely?” she asks again.

“What then, sky girl?”

“Will you go back with her and help her take back power?”

Indra's face darkens. “You still do not understand, sky girl. No one of us will ever go back, not if they want to live.”

Clarke is starting to lose patient. “Indra, Lexa is alive. Elders or not, she is alive, the Commander spirit can't have left her body just because of a fake death.”

The warrior doesn't reply and Clarke can see that she's conflicted, she hasn't figured out what she should believe yet.

“If the Commander spirit has been freed, it will find another person, right? But what if I'm right and Lexa is still the Commander? Then your people will be waiting for a long time and Nydia will do as she pleases, do you like the idea?”

Indra snarls. “The people chose...”

“Yes, the people chose her and the Elders gave their approval, whatever. Do you really trust her? Come on Indra, you're not stupid.” the warrior growls again, but Clarke doesn't pay it attention. “Nydia didn't seem in a hurry to kill Lexa, she took her time and I don't think it was just about the pleasure of torturing her. She was going to kill her eventually, but it looked like she was going to do it because she feared that keeping her alive for too long could have been dangerous. It looked like she was gaining time.”

“I do not know what the personal issues...”

“Stop. Just think, Nydia likes power. She adores it, and you said she is feared as a great warrior and general. What if she didn't want the Commander spirit to find another body too soon, maybe she needed time to gain more power. Just think about what could mean if I were right. There could be more than what we know, and your people could soon find themselves facing some really hard times.” with that Clarke walks away, leaving a stunned and angry Indra behind.

That night, in her not so comfortable bed, Clarke thinks about it again. There was something off about Nydia, but she didn't have time to figure it out. Maybe she should go back and try to find out more about the woman. Clarke doesn't like the idea of spending more time with her, but neither does she like the idea of not knowing what the woman is up to. Her own people could be a part of Nydia's plan.

Nydia's eyes flash in Clarke's mind. Cold, dark blue eyes staring directly at her soul, eyes of a predator ready to kill, they sparkle with amusement and malice. Why do they look so wrong? There's something incredibly off about them, but for how much Clarke struggles to understand, she can't figure out what it is.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you can figure out what is wrong with Nydia. I believe in you guys.  
> However, what will happen? Will Lexa believe that she still is the Commander? And Indra...you know she feels that Lexa is still the Commander, but she doesn't want to go against the Elders. Should I leave Lexa some time to heal? Or should I just throw her on the battle field again? 
> 
> I'm sorry this was so short but it happens!  
> As always, if you like it, leave a comment! I truly love your comments guys! 
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language. 
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> I don't own all the characters. 
> 
> ~ There's someone really annoying, so I'll make it clear, no, I'm not stupid and I do not think (neither does Clarke) that simply dying for a very small amount of time can leave a person without a spirit. The mere fact that some of the characters (not even all of them) think that, does not mean that it is true in the story. Plus, I do like to think about Lexa's soul and the Commander's spirit as kind of two different spirits, or parts of her, that live inside her. Now if you could stop annoying me on the websites where I publish my fanfic, I would be grateful. Also because what you say is always the same, and it's kind of boring. Thank you.  
> I'm sorry for the others, but I was kind of pissed. I love you guys who support this :D ~


	6. Breaking the silence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Luna's answer comes and they reach a village. Clarke meets a girl in the village but her memories hunt her too much...who can save her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter's title from a song by the Breaking Benjamin.  
> Having a schedule is not working, so I'll just upload when I can. Also I really need to study this month so the update could come less then once a week from now on, but I'll do my best.  
> I wouldn't want to give you too much yet, but here's a little Clexa moment. Leave me comments and tell me if you want more of that...'cause if you don't I can give you some really bad angst ;)  
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Six: Breaking the silence**

 

While they waited for the messengers to come back, Clarke had a lot of time to think and the idea of Nydia plotting something never left her mind. Indra agreed to send some scouts to the Sky People hoping that they're okay and maybe trying to find out if Nydia has gone to them already. Clarke couldn't stop wondering if her people would ally with the new Commander if she told them that Clarke has been taken. She thinks that her mother would not like the idea, but she might accept for her daughter's sake.

What could Clarke do if they allied with the new Heda? _Is she even Heda? She's only in charge until they can find the real new Heda..._ She though about it too. She recalled the warriors calling Nydia Heda, but she has only heard the people say Commander. So maybe the ones who called her Heda were Nydia's warriors only.

However if the Sky People sided with the Commander, she surely would have to go to them and explain them what's happening. And Clarke has no doubt they will not like it. At all. They would probably keep her from going back to Lexa if she told them the truth, she can't allow that to happen. Lexa needs her. And of course Clarke doesn't care that much, it's not like she's still falling for the former Commander, but Lexa is only a girl, just like her, and Clarke can't help but care and she wants her to heal and try to live a normal life. She knows Lexa will not be able to live a normal life, ever, but she at least needs to get her to a safe place.

 

Now Clarke is in Indra's tent and they're listening to the warriors who finally came back. Luna offers a shelter for the former Commander, she offers the whole group to live in a village a bit down to the south, enough away from the border with the trikru's territory. She can't protect Lexa from Nydia if she finds her, but she will not tell anyone about her presence in the territory of the Boat People. Just like Indra guessed. Luna offered help too, she said the healers of the village will tend to Lexa and she assures the people in the village won't say anything and won't even recognise the former Commander since they have never seen her before. She recommends they be careful and don't reveal their identity. If they manage to look like a group of nomads or something the people will accept them without suspecting.

Clarke is relieved to hear that and Indra is already informing everyone that they'll leave at dawn tomorrow morning. She then explains Clarke that they will travel for a day and half before reaching the village and they'll have to travel the last hour with as little weapons as they can. They can't enter the village looking like warriors, they'll have to look like common people, they can have weapons, of course, since they're going to pretend to be nomads, but all their clothes are inappropriate. They did bring normal clothes though. And once again Clarke is relieved.

Maybe something does go well after all.

 

Next morning a couple of scouts leave to get to Camp Jaha, and the rest of the group leaves for the village to the south. Lexa can now ride on her own, though she's not completely healed and Clarke asks Zoe to stay near the former Commander.

Warriors travel in front of them and behind, because Indra knows they could have to fight. They haven't got anything to prove that Luna has given her permission, the leader couldn't put herself at risk by leaving some evidences that she helped Lexa. So Indra told the warriors to be ready to fight without killing, she doubts Luna would be happy to hear that they killed some of her people.

 

When they finally arrive at the village, they see that Luna was right, these people welcome them as wanderers and offer them shelter. Next day Clarke has already find a job helping the healer and Indra is trying to speak with the leader of the village, but she finds none. At dinner they understand that the village has no leader, but they follow the healer and the elders for important decisions, such as the harvest or the arrangements for winter. They're peaceful people and there aren't a lot of warriors, the ones who can fight are mostly hunters. So that's what Indra suggests they can help with, she says they can hunt for the people in the village. They can also help in cooking, trikru are amazing at cooking meat and these people will soon know it.

Lexa is ready to help too, but the healer of the village says she should take some times to recover before doing any activity.

 

Now that Lexa's safe, Clarke has a lot of time to think about what she did. The Mountain returns in full force in her mind. Clarke is not so different from Lexa, she's a murderer and she made a choice as bad as Lexa's, and maybe that's why she can't forgive Lexa, she can't stay with her for too long, because every time she looks at the grounder she sees herself at the Mountain pulling the lever.

She can't start now, she can't give in to the guilt. She tries to think about something else and blue scaring eyes flash in her mind. The pride and amusement in those eyes, the challenge and mockery in that glare make Clarke feel uncomfortable. It is as if Nydia is daring her to understand something, but it is just out of Clarke's reach. It floats there in the air, so near to Clarke but right behind her, Clarke struggles to see it, but she can't.

She worries for the trikru, for how Nydia could be treating the people in Polis, but Indra doesn't seem as worried as her so she should probably calm down. Still she can't help but be sorry for them, she doesn't even know why, a part for the cruelty she saw in their new Commander. But she won't use it against her own people, right? Clarke is not sure, not at all.

That night when she comes back to the hut she shares with Lexa, the grounder is still pretty much awake and Clarke doesn't know what to say. Her mind is still torturing her and she just wants a moment of peace.

“You should go back, Clarke. I am safe now and my wounds will heal soon.” Lexa's voice is just a whisper but it's sweet and soothing. Clarke doesn't want to hear it, she's scared by the reaction of her heart, because Lexa's voice indeed clam her and seems to give her heart a bit of peace. But as soon as she realizes that, the bitter memory of the betrayal comes back and the pain explodes inside her once again.

“Your recover will take many days, probably weeks.” her voice is flat and void, she's so tired and all she's using all her willpower to keep the pain inside, hidden from Lexa.

“That is not why you're staying.” Lexa's voice is still warm and sweet and it makes Clarke want to cry.

“Maybe I'll go tomorrow. Maybe I'm just taking the time to organize. Maybe I'll wait until the scouts are back and I can know how the situation at the camp is.” she replies bitterly.

“You need to heal as well, Clarke”

The way Lexa pronounces her name always manages to send shivers down Clarke's back. She could listen to that all... No. She won't listen to that for long. She will go back to her people, or she will just go away. Away from Lexa.

“You could be right, but I would never be able to heal as long as I am with you.”

The harsh reply is met with silence at first, then Lexa speak and her voice is now sad, gentle but full of remorse.

“I understand. Goodnight, Clarke.”

Clarke doesn't say anything, and she wonders if Lexa has noticed her trouble with saying the grounder's name.

 

Days pass and Clarke seeks shelter from her hunting memories in the healer's hut. She works all day long, she spend almost all the time with him, learning from him and discussing with him about illness and cures. The first days she also goes around learning the village, she explores every street and memorizes where everything is.

At some point she found herself in the smith of the village, a bear looking man and a girl where working inside. He was four times her and they worked at opposite sides of the smithery. They made a lot of tools and some weapons. The girl, Erin, was very nice with Clarke and the two spent some time together.

Today Erin is trying to teach Clarke how to make arrows and Clarke finds that the work is relaxing and frees her mind from unwanted thoughts, she has to use her hands, like when she draws and it's comforting in some way.

The girl beside her smiles and laughs when Clarke can't do something, but she's kind and always ready to help her. They have a good time together and Clarke can't believe that she actually felt free from who she is in those moments. She didn't feel like a murderer or a leader, she felt like a girl enjoying the presence of another girl. So when Erin asks when she'll be back, Clarke says she'll come the next day if that's fine with the girl. When Erin nods enthusiastically Clarke smiles widely.

But no matter how much she enjoys Erin's presence, no matter how good she feels with her, Clarke can't talk to her about what makes her feel awful. And so the day her mind wouldn't stop torturing her, she doesn't go to the smith, but she goes out for a walk. She skips dinner, she doesn't think she could even eat without throwing out. She feels so damn bad. The faces of the people in the Mountain floats in front of her eyes. The cries of the children when they left their parents, their worried questions after Clarke murdered their fathers and mothers, all of that hits her hard and doesn't stop. She cries and she screams at no one in the woods. But when she eventually comes back it is dark, late in the night, and Lexa is waiting for her.

When Clarke enters the hut she sees Lexa jumping up from the bed, she seems about to come to Clarke, but she forces herself to stay still. Instead Lexa only looks at her, concern and worry written all over her face. Clarke merely acknowledges her and walks to her bed.

“You weren't there at dinner.” the shaky whisper makes Clarke turn to face Lexa.

The grounder takes a step forward and waits for Clarke to say something.

“None of your business.”

This time Lexa takes a step back and lowers her eyes. “I know. I though you were in danger.” the confession is made in such a low voice that Clarke struggles to hear it.

“I doubt anyone here would attack me, they don't even know who I am.”

“The animals in the woods are still a danger.” Lexa insists.

“I travelled the woods alone to come to Polis, to see you. And I'm alive.” Clarke really wants to turn and go to bed, but somehow she can't.

Lexa's eyes shoots up again and looks at her. It is as if the grounder can see everything in her eyes, she's looking into Clarke's soul and Clarke feels uncomfortable. But she feels safe. Why does she feel safe? It doesn't make sense. Clarke refuses to feel that way.

“Clarke...I...” Instead of saying anything Lexa decides to walk in front of Clarke and she hesitantly reaches for the blonde.

Clarke first reaction is flinching away from the touch, but Clarke's first thought is how good it would feel to give in and lose herself in Lexa's arms. She can see the hurt in the grounder's eyes, but Lexa doesn't back off. She tries again, carefully touching Clarke, her hand goes to the sky girl's shoulder and the other reaches for her face. But Clarke doesn't let her, she turns her head away from Lexa. And so the girl puts her hand on the blonde's hip instead. This Clarke allows.

When Lexa gently pulls the girl in, Clarke resists and tries to distance herself, but Lexa doesn't let her go. She puts just enough force so that Clarke can't break free from her hands, but she doesn't force the girl into an hug. They stay like that for a while, neither says anything and the silence talks for them.

After what feels like eternity, Clarke leans in the slightest and Lexa is ready to catch the invisible movement. She takes Clarke in her arms, guiding her slowly and softly into her. Lexa's hands go to Clarke's back and the grounder holds her tightly in a warm embrace.

Clarke is stiff at first, her head high and away from Lexa, careful not to make contact with Lexa, but her body is giving in, the feeling of being held like that, with so much care and love, wins and Clarke starts crying. Lexa can't see her, but she knows the other girl is crying because she is crying herself. Slowly not to scare Clarke, she leans her head on Clarke's shoulder and takes a shaky breath.

Finally Clarke gives in and leans against Lexa completely, mirroring the position of the other girl. When she does, Lexa turns her head and hides her face against Clarke's neck, finally breathing properly, finally having what she needs, finally feeling her heart breaking and warming at the same time. Because Clarke is holding on to her, the blonde's arms now holding her as well, and she can smell her again, her favourite smell, and she can touch her again, but she also knows how broken the girl in her arms is and how that is all her fault. All the pain in Clarke's eyes, all the hurt, all the mistrust and the sadness is there because of Lexa. And Lexa is broken by it, by what she's done, and warmed up by that hug, even if she knows it won't last long. But in this moment she can't bring herself to care, because she craves Clarke so much it hurts, an amazing hurt for once.

They break together that night, without talking, without looking at the other, but holding each other as if their life depended on that. And maybe it does.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clexa is coming...not happy Clexa yet maybe, but still. 
> 
> As always, if you like it, leave a comment! I truly love your comments guys! 
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language. 
> 
> I don't own all the characters.


	7. Conversation over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scouts are back. Erin and Clarke have a moment. Lexa gets a moment with Clarke too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter's title from a song by the Halestorm. 
> 
> Uh-oh. Hate me, but you know I'm just giving you what you want.  
> Sorry updates won't come for a while, I need to study, but after my exams I'll be back, promised! Meanwhile, enjoy this and try not to think about what (you know) is coming next ;) And while I'm not writing for you guys, come talk to me on tumblr! 
> 
> Let me know if I should keep up...well whatever is happening in this chapter ahah

**Chapter Seven: Conversation over**

 

The scouts come back from Camp Jaha almost two weeks after leaving, but they haven't got any important informations. The Sky People seem to be dealing the incoming winter and they couldn't tell if Nydia has somehow talked to them. So Indra and Clarke decide to send other warriors and keep doing it until they can be sure that Nydia hasn't been in touch with Clarke's people.

A week has passed since Lexa and Clarke's interaction and the two haven't spoken a lot. Well, mostly it was Lexa trying to talk to Clarke and the sky girl ignoring her. But the silence between the two is tense and one night Clarke can't take it anymore and leaves the hut in a hurry.

While she takes a walk through the surroundings she hopes she could get another place where to sleep, maybe it would be better if there were Indra sleeping in the same hut as Lexa.

Clarke is not blind, nor is she stupid, she sees that Lexa is sorry and hurt by her own choices. She sees that the girl is trying to help her even if Clarke doesn't want her to, and she also knows that, despite all she'd like to think, Lexa understands her and is the only one who can actually understand.

But Clarke can't do it, she can't trust Lexa ever again, she can't let her guard down near her, she has already done it one night and it has been stupid of her to do so. That hug didn't mean anything.

Except that it did.

Clarke knows it did, Clarke knows what Lexa was trying to tell her that night, but it hurts to much to accept it, and she doesn't even deserve it. Because, no matter how cliché she can sound with all that _I don't deserve anything_ , she actually doesn't. Why should she get another chance to be happy after what she did? All those innocent people she killed...they won't ever get another chance, at least not in this life. It's over for them, and it's not over for Clarke. It's not over.

_It'd be better if it were over for me too._

It's as if Clarke needed to punish herself. Because she may be a monster but she won't accept it as her being, not that easily. She's become a monster but she won't allow it to kill the girl she was before. She won't forget what she did, she won't get over it, because she feels that if she did, she would actually kill anything last of the girl from the past. Between being a monster and only remembering the monster, and being a monster but remembering the different girl she was, Clarke chooses the second one. Of course she does. She doesn't see any choice other that those, not now.

 

“What keeps you awake so late?” the voice startles Clarke, but she immediately relaxes when she understands that it's Erin's.

“Thoughts, I guess.” she answers simply, grateful that the girl doesn't insist.

Erin seems to think about something for a moment, then she smirks slightly “Do you trust me?”

Her voice is playful, so Clarke knows the answer should be 'yes', but she can't answer such a question. Luckily the young smith doesn't wait for a reply before taking her hand and leading her somewhere across the village. They pass houses and some tents near the end of the village, but Erin doesn't stop.

When Clarke understands that the girl is heading for the woods, though, she pulls back their joined hands and they come to a stop. Clarke starts to address Erin with a worried voice, but the grounder beats her to that.

“We're not going far, there is a clearing just after the first lines of trees, it won't be dangerous, I promise. I go there a lot at night, don't worry.” she flashes Clarke a reassuring smile and walks past the first trees, confident that the other girl will follow.

And Clarke does follow, although reluctantly, because she kind of believes Erin but woods are still dangerous.

They walk for maybe a couple of minutes, Clarke doesn't count but she's sure it's less than five minutes before the woods open and trees leave space for a beautiful clearing to spread. It's not big but it looks nice, from the open among the trees the clear sky can be seen and the stars are out.

Clarke stares up in awe, she will never get tired of watching the stars from down there, on the ground. When she was in space they didn't look so beautiful, everything felt cold and dark, distant even if they were surely nearer than from earth. But somehow the stars feel nearer now, Clarke can now see why some poets defined the night sky a blanket full of shining points, lights that guided you toward a sweet sleep.

Erin is pleased with Clarke's reaction. Clarke walked toward the centre of the clearing without realizing and now she's just standing there, head raised and eyes locked to the sky. Erin smiles and gently pulls her on the ground, making her lie down on the grass.

Clarke breaks her intense stare for a second to offer the girl a smile on her own and as she complies and lies down her eyes immediately turn back to the stars.

“The stars are beautiful, aren't they?”

Clarke can just nod and the girl chuckles at her distracted reply. Then Erin's hand finds Clarke's and the sky girl allows it, relaxing after the urge to flinch away from the touch. She wants to let the kind girl be her friend, she just struggles a lot with trust, but that's understandable.

They stay silent for an hour or so, then Clarke feels like they should go back and actually get some sleep. But before heading back she wants to thank the girl and at least give her some kind of conversation, although she doesn't feel like talking a lot.

“You come here a lot because it's near the village and safe, right?”

“That and because my mum used to take me here.” she turns to look at Clarke. “When I was very little she wouldn't risk taking me too far where there could be dangers, but she wanted me to know the stars, so she simply took me here.”

Clarke nods and gives her a little smile. “Is she...”

Erin nods with a sad smile on her face. “She died years ago. She did manage to show me other places to stargaze though. I usually come here because it's near, but sometimes when I have time, I go to those places, one in particular.”

The girls just look at each other for a moment, before Erin offers “I could take you to one of those places maybe, one day.”

“Would you? I mean, they must mean a lot to you, I wouldn't want to...”

“Don't worry. I wouldn't suggest that if I weren't fine with it.” the girl reassures her and stands, offering her hand to Clarke and helping her to her feet.

“Well, then I guess I would really like it. I love the stars, I've ... known them for a long time too.” Clarke smiles shyly ending the statement with a low chuckle. Oh yes, she has known the stars for a long time, that's for sure.

“Perfect!” Erin almost beams. “So all we need is a free day. As soon as we get a day off of work we should go!”

“How far is it?” Clarke asks warmly, amused by the girl's excitement.

“Not too far. It will take us half an hour to get there and it's not in a very dangerous part of the woods, I've never had troubles. It's the nearest and the safest of the other places, so I figured I could take you there just fine.” Erin reasons.

“Awesome. I'm looking forward to it.” Clarke tries to widen her smile to show the girl she really appreciates it.

The girl stares at her for a while, then takes her hand again and pulls her toward the village. “I'm sure you'll like it.”

“I'm sure I will.” Clarke's answer is soft and the sky girl is surprised by it.

They walk back through the village and they stop at Erin's house. The girl says goodnight and tells Clarke they'll see each other the next day, but Clarke pulls her back as soon as the girl turns to get in the hut. When Erin looks at her questioningly, Clarke shakes her head and finds another smile for the girl.

“Thank you for taking me to see the stars. It was very nice of you and I...”

Clarke is interrupted when suddenly lips are on hers and Erin is placing a sweet, shy kiss on her mouth. Clarke didn't see this coming, but she probably should have.

“No need to thank me, it was nice for me too. Goodnight, Karen.”

Oh right, Karen. Erin doesn't say her name a lot, but when she does it makes Clarke uncomfortable, it reminds her that they're lying to these people who are being anything but kind to them. But Indra was right when she said they couldn't risk anyone recognizing them in any way, so Clarke, Indra and Lexa gave false names, just in case Luna had been wrong and some people could have at least heard about the princess who brought down the Mountain, and of course they have to know the former Heda's name.

“Goodnight, Erin.” Clarke replies quietly, hoping that the girl wouldn't catch the defeat in her voice.

 

Back to the hut she shares with Lexa, Clarke thinks that she doesn't want to hurt Erin, but the girl is nice and sweet and she doesn't want to push her away either.

She glances over at Lexa's sleeping form and feels a knot in her stomach. She can't deny it, she knows she still has feelings for Lexa. But hell, she won't let them ruin her life again. She may never be the same again, but she won't let Lexa break her so badly twice, she won't trust Lexa ever again and she won't be so stupid to believe the girl when she claims to have feelings for Clarke. She will get over Lexa, she will forget to have ever felt anything for the grounder and she will carry on with her life, green eyes banished from her mind. She can do this. She can leave Lexa behind, away from her heart, like the warrior did with her.

Liar. Liar. Liar. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.

 

* * *

 

She spent the day with Erin and she almost laughed sometimes, she didn't join dinner with the others, choosing instead to eat with Erin. The girl never stopped talking and Clarke actually enjoyed all of it. Erin feels like youth, she is careless like a child, but she teaches Clarke a lot of things about how to make weapons on her own, how to move in the woods, how to recognize good fruits from poisoned ones. And she is funny, she really manages to cheer Clarke up sometimes. They didn't talk about the kiss, but they were comfortable with each other anyway, anything that there could be between them growing in smiles and soft laughs.

So that night when Clarke steps into the hut she is quite pleased with her day and she doesn't even notice that Lexa is awake and sitting on the bed. She comes in with a smile without even realizing.

“It looks like you had a good day.” Lexa's voice could sound amused if it weren't for the forever sad expression on her face.

“Indeed.” Clarke's mood changes immediately and she's annoyed with herself. Why does she let Lexa have this power over her? It was only a question, but even her voice alone manages to ruin Clarke's day in a single sentence. And it's not even Lexa's fault, it's Clarke who can't stand being near her, but who won't ask for a different hut.

“Do you think I could take a walk? You and the healer always tell me to rest and only move to join lunch or dinner, but I really need to move more.”

Heda Lexa would have never asked such a thing, and neither would she have allowed people to keep her in bed for so long if it weren't strictly necessary. So Clarke knows that Lexa is making an effort to show that she appreciates them taking care of her.

“Sure. I'd say you're healed enough by now, you're free to go.” Clarke answers without interest turning her back to her and taking her sketchbook from her bag.

She hears Lexa standing from the bed but not walking away.

“Thanks.” the voice is quiet and Clarke almost can't hear the following words. “Does that mean you will be leaving soon?”

Clarke debates how to reply because she still doesn't know when she'll go back. If in the beginning she only wanted to help Lexa and go back to her people, now that she's getting to know how life could be in the little village with Erin, the bear looking smith and the healer, her eagerness to return to Camp Jaha is fading. She knows she has to go back, she knows her people need her, but she can't yet. She wishes to stay and as selfish as that may be, she's human and they're offering her a normal life without so much blood and death. But can life on the ground come without blood?

“I hope.” she says instead. She doesn't know if she said it to hurt Lexa, but she knows she did hurt her and for a second she wishes to take it back.

“The scouts will be back within two or three weeks now.” Lexa reasons.

“Maybe I shouldn't wait 'till then. If I'm going back I don't need scouts anymore.”

“It could be useful to know what awaits you at your camp.” Lexa's voice is steadier as they're talking about a comfortable matter for her. With logic and plans she can still deal, it's life that is killing her now.

“I don't know if I can wait that long. I guess it would be the best option, though, so I may pick that.” Clarke's voice is flat and inexpressive. She can practically feel Lexa nod.

“What will you tell Nydia when the Commander will ask about how you ran away and where we took you?”

“I'll just tell her that you made the mistake to be alone with me when you weren't completely healed and so I fought you off and managed to escape somehow. Then I'll tell her you're hiding somewhere in the woods but that you're probably long gone by the time I'm speaking with her.” she turns around to face Lexa.

Once again, Lexa nods. “You could work on the details. I cou... Indra could help you with that.” she lowers her head, she misses the time the two of them would spend in her tent going over battle plans. If only...

“I'll talk to her about it.” Clarke doesn't leave room for an answer. She caught Lexa's hesitation and she didn't like it.

Lexa gives one last nod and walks toward the exit of the tent.

“You should have someone come with you, just in case.” Clarke calls after her. “Call Zoe, she will know how to deal with eventual wounds reopening.”

Lexa may not be the same as before, but she still growls at this. She may not be Heda, she may not look so indifferent and distant anymore, but she still hates having a babysitter. “I'll be fine, Clarke.”

 _For God's sake, Lexa stop saying my name!_ It does things to Clarke, but it's not like the blonde is ever going to admit that.

“Your pride is not worth the risk.” she bites back. Is she actually giving snarky replies like she did before...before everything? Oh no, no no _Clarke don't_.

This brings a small, almost non-existent smile on Lexa's face. “No risk, Clarke, I'm fine. I won't have some warrior babysitting me.”

“She's been doing just that for a while now. She's the one who helped me the most, you should thank her instead of complaining.”

Lexa looks sorry. “Of course, I am grateful to you and to her. I've never meant to say otherwise, I just don't want to keep depending on people, I can take care of myself now that I'm healed.”

Are they having an almost normal conversation? It nearly feels surreal to Clarke.

“Whatever. We all know you will do as you please.” Clarke has to keep herself from throwing her arms in the air. No, this is not good, she can't go back talking to Lexa like she did before the Mountain. And surely she can't feel comfortable about it!

“I'll ask Zoe to come with me if it bothers you so much. I'd just prefer not to wak...”

“It doesn't! It doesn't bother me. Do whatever you want, go and put yourself in danger if you wish. Go and join the hunters tomorrow, since you can't stay still. I don't care.” the flashes of pain in Lexa's eyes have Clarke stumbling back.

Hurt. They're all hurt. And most of them are hurt because of Clarke. She killed, she left her people, she's even hurting Lexa now. Not that Lexa wouldn't deserve it, but Clarke didn't plan on hurting her. Okay, maybe a bit, but not like this. If she ever planned on hurting Lexa it was with silence, not with words. She has caused enough pain, she wants to stop, she needs to stop.

“I... I know.” the absence of her name doesn't go unnoticed to Clarke.

“Go have your walk. Don't tire yourself too much and you shouldn't need any assistance. You can go alone as long as you're careful.” Clarke says slowly, turning back to the bed avoiding Lexa's eyes.

“Okay. I won't stay out for long, I promise. Thanks, goodnight Clarke.”

Clarke doesn't answer and doesn't watch Lexa walking out into the night, she just stays there, the sketchbook in her hands.

 

Clarke finds Lexa near the border of the village, she's sitting on the ground and staring into the darkness toward the trees. Clarke doesn't know why she came looking for Lexa, at some point she just went out of the tent and her feet took her to the grounder.

“I thought you said you wouldn't stay out for long.” this seems to startle Lexa and pull her out of her thoughts. She looks up at Clarke and her eyes fill with concern.

“I'm sorry, I lost count of the time. I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you wor... Uhm, I didn't mean to break the promise.” she's ready to stand when Clarke sits down beside her, far enough not to touch her, near enough for it to feel uncomfortable and really comfortable at the same time.

“Yeah, you're good at that.” Clarke snaps before she can stop herself.

Lexa looks down and away from her.

“Sorry, I guess I can't help myself sometimes.” it's not really an apologise, but it's all Clarke can give. “It doesn't matter though, you look fine, you don't look too tired.”

Lexa actually looks very tired, but they both know it's not about the recover time, the wounds or the little sleep, in fact Lexa is getting a lot of sleep and rest. It's more a mind and soul tiredness, Clarke knows that well enough by now.

They don't say anything for a while, both staring at nothing at all, until Lexa finally breaks the silence with a small whisper.

“I wished we had met here. You could have been a smith or a healer, I could have been a hunter or a cook. We wouldn't have had to make impossible choices or commit unforgivable mistakes.” Lexa's voice is dreamy and sad.

Lexa a cook? That would be nice to see, but Clarke doesn't really linger on the image in her mind. She could perfectly picture them, Clarke healing or making knives like Erin, Lexa cooking and maybe hunting too, leaving in the same hut, without awkwardness or discomfort. She could almost laugh at the idea of Lexa cooking for them, Clarke coming home sweaty from the smith work... No. It's too painful to think about it and they both have to stop themselves from imagining too much.

“Would we have caught each other attention if we had met like that? Maybe we would have never actually known each other.” Clarke says without thinking.

Lexa turns to look at her with curiosity written all over her face. “I would be drawn to you Clarke, no matter what, no matter what life we met in, always.” she whispers her confession shyly, worried that it will get a bad reaction from Clarke.

“You don't know it. You probably would have never even looked at me if I hadn't come in after killing three hundred of your warriors.”

Lexa chuckles. She actually chuckles at the memory.

“ _You're the one who burned three hundred of my warriors alive.”_

“ _You're the one who sent them there to kill us.”_

They know they're both thinking about it, both playing out whatever other outcome the story could have taken. But they only have this outcome. They only have pain, death, betrayal, regret.

“I think I know, Clarke.” Lexa closes her eyes and dares to shift closer to the blonde.

Clarke doesn't seem to acknowledge the motion. “No one can know, Lexa.”

And that's it, when Clarke says her name in a choked whisper, Lexa leans in and captures her lips in a reverent, fearful kiss.

Clarke doesn't know what to do. She should pull back, she should shove Lexa away, but those lips... It feels so good to have them on hers again, it feels so _good_ to feel Lexa again, so damn _good_ to kiss her and have her for a small meaningless moment.

The two girls' hearts beat so fast they could actually burst out of their chests at any time. No one dares touch the other more than how they already are doing. And for a brief infinity Clarke allows herself to know Lexa again, she allows Lexa to see the girl who fell from the sky.

And they will separate looking away from each other, Lexa fearing the pain that will come, Clarke ashamed and even more hurt, but for now they both now that Clarke fell from the sky only to land in Lexa's heart.

Later all of this will have never existed, Clarke will deny it and hate it, Lexa will miss it and feel guilty for being selfish, but for now their hearts are speaking the truth.

Thump-thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooops. I want to mess with you, yes ;)  
> Enjoy the Clexa...there will probably be angst soon. 
> 
> I'm sorry this was so late but I must study first. 
> 
> As always, if you like it, leave a comment! I truly love your comments guys! 
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language. 
> 
> Come and find me on tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> I don't own all the characters.


	8. New modern love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Lexa after the kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! Sorry, but September is pretty busy, as December will be :/  
> This is a pretty short chapter, but there's something new. I meant to write this story more from Clarke's POV, specially in the first part, but I though I'd give you a bit of Lexa's POV after the kiss...  
> Enjoy! 
> 
> Chapter's title is from a song by the Halestorm.

**Chapter Eight: New modern love**

 

Lexa is lying on the bed replaying the kiss in her head. When they broke apart Clarke had tears in her eyes and she left almost immediately. Lexa didn't know what to say so she just watched Clarke go, walking away from her in the darkness. The blonde didn't come back to their hut, instead sleeping somewhere else. Lexa has only seen her at lunch, she was sitting far from her at the other end of the table with the smith girl.

Her heart aches for Clarke, she doesn't know what to do, she doesn't think the girl will ever be able to forgive her. She can't even forgive herself. She thought taking the deal was the right choice for her people, when Emerson had wanted Clarke too Lexa had refused, she had only agreed on retreating her army but she couldn't give up the sky girl. Lexa knew Clarke would have tried to save her people anyway, but she figured she wouldn't have been able to get into the Mountain. She knew she had broken Clarke, but she also believed the girl to be safe from the Mountain's Men.

But of course Clarke was stronger than that, Clarke has always been stronger than Lexa. Lexa led with her mind, Clarke let her heart guide her and it led her to save her people. Clarke's power was not weapons or strategy, was not a clever mind or a good training, her power has always been about love and courage, she would have sacrificed herself for her friends. That's how Lexa sees her, a strong warrior with no sword.

They could have taken down the Mountain together, but Lexa put her people's survival first, and she was wrong. She understands that now. The skaikru see her people as savages and do not approve of their customs, they disapprove the grounders ' need of revenge. But for the trikru _jus drein jus daun_ is not revenge, is justice. And Lexa sees now that she has never really understood that before. She never liked her people's thirst for blood, and she will never like spilling blood no matter how right people might think it to be, but she sees now that her people want justice, not revenge. And that justice is a part of their life, is something they need, like care, love, freedom, safeness, happiness. That's what makes a life, right? A mix of love, freedom, happiness, fight, justice...

She didn't know that, no one ever explained it to her. She was too young when the Commander's spirit took her life from her and left her to survive. Now she understands and she finally knows why her people weren't happy with her decision. It's not really about weakness. That's probably just a façade to look strong and mighty in front of others. They always talk about weakness, as if they were obsessed by it, but maybe it's only a show. Her people fight to live, not only survive.

By taking the deal she took that life from them, as the spirit did with her. They wanted to face the Mountain's Men, they needed to free themselves from their oppressors, from the fear the Mountain always put in their hearts. They wanted justice for their beloved ones who died because of those monsters. Instead she chose to save as many of them as she could, at the same time preserving their fear, their hatred, their thirst for justice, their pain. That battle could have killed a lot of her people, but it would have also freed them from the past. Lexa took that from them, because she didn't know, she though survival to be life. And now she knows that's not true and it is too late.

The elders were right, she is weak. Not because she ran from a war, but because she ran from life.

The realization strikes on her and she curls on herself crying. She didn't want to cry, but tears don't feel like weakness anymore.

And as she drifts off to sleep one more small, bittersweet realization crosses her mind. Love is not weakness as well.

 

* * *

 

When she wakes up again she's still alone. Clarke is nowhere to be seen at dinner and she doesn't come back to the hut at night. Lexa hopes she did not hurt her too much with that kiss.

Clarke is strong, so strong that after being betrayed by Lexa she came to make sure the grounder girl were safe, after the Commander left her the blonde saved her from Lexa's own people. After everything, the sky girl took care of her even if just being near her was painful, she stayed and made sure Lexa was going to be okay even if her heart broke some more every time Lexa spoke to her. Clarke is so strong, but Lexa knows the kiss hurt her a lot. She knows that Clarke still has feelings for her, unwanted, full of hatred and spite, painful feelings the girl is trying to get rid of. So she knows she shouldn't have kissed her, but in that moment Lexa couldn't restrain herself.

It was the first time Clarke has said her name after the Mountain. It made her heart ache in her chest and beat so hard it could have burst out. Clarke said her name and nothing else mattered in that moment, so Lexa has been selfish. But Clarke kissed her back, and although Lexa knew the blonde would have regretted it as soon as it was over, she felt alive. She felt her broken heart, every single piece of it, wake and dance emotions scattered among the many pieces in her chest.

But now Clarke isn't here and Lexa knows she's hurting.

 

 

A couple of day after the kiss Lexa finally sees her. She sees her in the smithery kissing Erin and laughing along with the girl. Lexa lingers there for a moment, looking at the girl she loves, wondering if Erin could fix Clarke and make her happy. As much as that would hurt her, Lexa hopes the girl smith can. The two probably won't be in love, but, as she watches Erin teaching Clarke and leading her hands as the blonde tries to work on forging a knife, Lexa thinks maybe Erin could be Clarke's new beginning. Maybe she could help Clarke moving on, forgetting about Lexa. Maybe Clarke won't love her, but she will find some kind of happiness again and she will be able to start from that, one day hopefully finding a love worth living.

Lexa tries to smile, but a tear falls to her cheek before she turns and walks away.

When Clarke doesn't show up that night either, at least Lexa knows she's safe. Lexa, even if is a painful feeling, is relieved to know Clarke can take comfort by someone and maybe learn to be happy again. If only she knew...

 

* * *

 

Lexa stops always looking for Clarke, though she never stops thinking about her, and suddenly she finds the girl everywhere. Or maybe that's because the healer has allowed her to move around more now, he said she's recovering well so she can enjoy her day. Lexa's surely not able to enjoy anything right now, but she sill can use a good walk to keep her mind from wandering too much.

Clarke hasn't checked up on her and her wounds, but she still thought about it because everyday Zoe comes in to make sure Lexa's all right and says that Clarke asked her to keep an eye on the former Commander. Lexa is warmed up every time the young warrior says that Clarke sent her. But at the same time she feels a bit guilty, Clarke has taken care of her, has worried about her, and Lexa has made her feel uncomfortable and has been selfish always trying to talk and touch her even knowing it hurt Clarke. And even now, even after Lexa has hurt her one more time, Clarke is still caring enough about Lexa being okay to send Zoe every morning. One time Zoe said something about how Clarke wouldn't e happy about Lexa tiring herself too much, and Lexa got to know that not only does Clarke send the girl to take care of her, she also asks how the grounder is.

But any time Lexa saw her, Clarke wouldn't even look at her. The sky girl is always with Erin or with the healer, sometimes with Indra, but she only seems to smile with the girl smith.

Lexa tries hard to be happy for her, but the pain burning in her chest is too much to bear and she always leaves, her steps feeling heavy, her body tired.

On night then Lexa sees Clarke following Erin into the grounder's hut, hands joined and smiles lighting their faces. While Erin opens the door, Clarke's arms slide on her hips to hug her from behind, her mouth leaning in to kiss her neck. The girl laughs and tugs Clarke inside, Clarke closing the door with a kick.

Lexa doesn't know why she stays outside, gaze fixed on the door, tears already streaming down when the sounds reach her.

That night she cries herself to sleep, in the open, in the cold, near a tree under the stars. Clarke's moans still resounding in her hear, ripping her heart apart anew.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the grounders are not all monsters after all, huh? I know it's a free reading, but do you like it? I mean the all weakness-talks-are-a-facade-and-grounders-do-know-what-life-is thing...  
> And what about Lexa finally getting that maybe love is not weakness?  
> Now, some things have been said by Lexa about grounders and about the elders condemning her, but don't take all of them as true, they're still only Lexa's thoughts. So some of those things are right, some may be less accurate, ok? 
> 
> As always, if you like it, leave a comment! I truly love your comments guys!  
> Talk to me on tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	9. Blackout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to Clarke's POV and how she feels about the kiss. Brief meeting between Clarke and Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter's title from a song by the Scorpions  
> So here you have how Clarke feels. Will they be able to be hurt together or will Clarke keep the pain to herself?  
> And I'm in time ;)  
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Nine: Blackout**

 

Clarke feels strangely warm, a good warmth, a good but unexpected thing. She always wakes to cold air or too hot sheets, at least when she's lucky. Normally she just wakes from nightmares; it is weird how most of the times she can't even wake up from them before the new day actually wakes her. Accurately cruel.

She opens her eyes to look for the source of that unfamiliar warmth and she immediately remembers the night before. Erin's naked body is lying at her side under the blankets, her head resting on Clarke's shoulder, an arm thrown across the blonde. Suddenly Clarke feels uncomfortable, trapped, guilty.

All at once she feels like she can't breath, she almost cries, she feels the urge to stand from the bed, she needs to apology, she feels inappropriate, in the wrong place. She suddenly remembers she doesn't belong there. The arm wrapped around her feels heavy now and the gentle breath against her neck becomes oppressive.

Clarke strains to free herself from the embrace without waking the sleeping girl. She rushes to dress and she relaxes slightly when she has clothes on. She looks back at Erin and she feels a tug in her chest, it would be so good to be hers, to belong where she woke up. But she doesn't and Erin deserves better than this little, ruined piece of heart. Clarke feels guilty for giving the girl hope that there could be something between them, even if really Clarke hasn't done much to support that hope, but Erin is a sunny girl who enjoys whatever life gives her and she took Clarke's caring as it was, without demanding anything more before giving in return the bright love she has.

Still, Clarke shouldn't be there, last night she should have rejected Erin, but she needed to be selfish for once. Lexa's kiss confused her but also broke her even more and for once she needed what Erin has. Freedom to live and love and be happy without carrying so much weight on her shoulders. Without her heart screaming at her, without her mind constantly reminding her she has to go back to her people, without ghosts hunting her down. Without Lexa kissing her and showing her love after sacrificing her for her duty.

_Not for her duty. For her people._

Whatever. Clarke is not ready to forgive her, she just can't. She needs time, she needs to heal and, as she told her, she can't do it with Lexa. And how can she even trust Lexa when she claims to love her?

So maybe she was selfish and maybe she kind of had the right for wanting to be selfish, but she never wanted to hurt Erin. Last night she should have said no, but, maybe it had been the vine, maybe it had been the other girl's smile or the particularly burning stars that reminded her of another home, she followed Erin inside her house.

Clarke looks at the girl again and smiles sadly before walking out of the hut. Her life is too full of Lexa to be with Erin without hurting her, and anyway she will have to go back to Camp Jaha and face Nydia.

Outside, in the fresh morning air Clarke can finally breath properly again. She thinks about going back to her hut to pick up some things, maybe even her sketchbook, but she doesn't feel like facing Lexa already and the grounder would surely wake if Clarke did as much as walking in. She knows that sooner or later she'll have to see Lexa and even talk to her but the later the better. So instead she settles for a walk around the village.

She has discussed with Indra about what she could tell Nydia once she goes back and has to face her. The warrior has been of great help improving Clarke's plan on what to say, how many details offering. Indra has warned her more than once, Nydia is smart and if Clarke isn't be a perfect liar she will understand and not only the Sky Princess will be in danger, but all her people. Clarke understands this well and as much as a good liar she is it scares her. She's afraid to meet the new Commander again, there's just something about her that Clarke can't quiet place, but the woman's eyes terrify her and she still sees them in her dreams sometimes. There's something they're all missing.  
In her talks with Indra there always seems to be this unspoken question, this doubt that is not really a doubt, just something out of reach. There's something really wrong with Nydia and Clarke doesn't want to face her again. That woman truly is dangerous, added to the fact that she's a formidable warrior which already makes a very good reason to stay away from her. But Clarke knows Nydia won't leave her alone once she's back in the camp.

The Sky People are another problem. Should Clarke tell them the truth? Indra suggested she didn't, she thinks they could reject Clarke's leadership if they knew she helped the woman who betrayed them and could have very much been one of the causes of their death. Clarke, though, doesn't feel right to lie to her people, and even if she were to do it, she's afraid that they will push to help Nydia hunting Lexa down. She's afraid her people will want to ally with Nydia and help her if they think Lexa took Clarke. But Indra said that Lexa is safe in the village and Luna won't betray them so if Nydia doesn't find out on her own that Lexa's hiding in her territory they should be fine. So she told Clarke that for her it would be safer if her people didn't know the truth. It would be safer for everyone since she can't know for sure that no one among the skaikru would betray Clarke's secret. There are some who hate Lexa too much and would probably tell Nydia only to see the former commander dead. For Clarke it would be too dangerous to tell the truth.

So now Clarke is debating if she should listen to Indra completely or if she should at least tell someone the truth. She thinks her friends would understand and keep the secret, but she also thought Lexa wouldn't have betrayed her. So maybe Clarke is not that good in reading people. It kills her to be doubting her friends, but right now she doesn't really trust anyone. She can't even trust herself, how could she trust someone else? It pains her to realize she can't even trust her mother, 'cause Abby hates Lexa too fiercely. Octavia is the same and Raven probably agrees with them, Bellamy would probably keep his mouth shut, but she can't be sure of anything now.

She should listen to Indra. She can do that, she can lie to her people and at the same time tell them never to trust Nydia.

Or she could tell them it was Nydia who kept her prisoner. She suggested Indra this as well, but the warrior didn't look convinced. So Clarke has now two options: lying to her people and trying to warn them against Nydia without defending Lexa or lying to her people telling them she hasn't seen Lexa and it was Nydia who took her. Clarke still likes the second one more. Indra says the first is safer for Clarke. But the second is safer for her people, because Clarke could give them a very good reason not to trust Nydia.

She doesn't want to admit that she also prefers the second one because it is safer for Lexa as well. But then something catches her attention and drags her away from her reasoning.

Someone is sleeping under a tree. Isn't that uncomfortable? The ground is a hard bed, Clarke knows that. She approaches to see if it's some guy who drank too much the night before and then she stills completely for a moment.

The guy lying on the ground asleep is Lexa. And she doesn't look very good, Clarke notices the dirt covering her body and her hair, the dark marks under her eyes, the pained and hunted expression on her face even when she's sleeping.

After a moment of surprise, she rushes to her side to check that the girl is well. She crouches down to see if she's injured in any way but she's not. Tears are still marking her cheeks and Clarke can't help but notice them, and Lexa looks so utterly destroyed that Clarke can't stop herself from brushing her thumb on her cheek and rub away some dirt.

It is heartbreaking how Lexa stiffens at first but leans into the touch as soon as the blonde whispers her name and Lexa kind of whispers Clarke's own back. Clarke doesn't even realize there's a small smile on her face until Lexa stirs and her eyes shoot open and Clarke retreats a bit.

Lexa is looking at her confused and Clarke moves her hand back, green eyes following the movement. Suddenly Lexa seems to realize where she is and why and her eyes water and she turns her back at Clarke, not wanting the girl to see.

“Why did you sleep here?” Clarke's question comes out uncertain, hesitant.

Lexa shakes her head slightly. “I... I probably was just too drunk to...”

“You drank?? You're still recovering, you shouldn...”

“I know.” it comes out harsh and Lexa suddenly stands. “I know. I shouldn't have done a lot of things.”

Clarke throws her a doubting look. “For someone who fell asleep drunk on the ground, you stood pretty quickly and your hangover seems non-existent.”

Lexa looks back at her as if for a moment she doesn't know what she's talking about. “Who cares.” she then starts to walk away, but Clarke's hand stops her.

“Are you all right? Why were you sleeping on the ground?”

Lexa yanks her arm away with a bit too much strength and Clarke takes a step back, looking at her concerned. There are tears in Lexa's eyes and, even if Clarke has seen her crying plenty of times, she doesn't think she has ever seen her this broken, except maybe for when Nydia took Clarke to her for the first time.

“It's not your problem.” It's the lack of her name that actually hits Clarke. Lexa usually says her name at the end of a sentence, but she hasn't called it since she woke up.

When the girl is walking away, Clarke's voice finally breaks free. She doesn't mean to say it, she doesn't give her brain permission to even think those words, but they come out anyway. “Lexa...please...” And Clarke doesn't know why she's saying it, why it's actually important to know why Lexa was sleeping out there.

Lexa catches the whisper even if she's feet away and she stops briefly. She looks back at Clarke and she's crying, tears streaming down her face marking trails in the dirt. “I understand. I understand, Clarke. I want...I want you to be hap...” Lexa chokes out and then lowers her head. “I want you to try and heal.” she corrects. She looks up again and then walks away fast before Clarke can wake from the shock.

Lexa saw her with Erin, maybe even last night, maybe that's why she was in that terrible conditions.

The memory of the kiss returns in full force and shoves at the door of Clarke's heart, demanding to be allowed to its rightful place.

She didn't mean to hurt Erin, but neither did she mean to hurt Lexa. Not like this. Yes, she meant to be hard with her, maybe to show her how badly she had hurt Clarke, but she didn't mean to push her into this shattered condition. She has needed the hope of going on, she has needed to be selfish for some time and pretend she could just be with Erin, because being with the smith girl is easy, because it doesn't pain her like it does every time she is with Lexa. But she didn't mean for Lexa to know it or to see her with Erin.

She needed some peace, a little shelter, she needed to forget for some hours a day. Erin's smile felt good, her lips tasted like hope, her laugh was so carefree it charmed Clarke. She couldn't resist the temptation of pretending to be normal, pretending that her life were easy and her heart could love, especially after Lexa kissed her. But she didn't mean for it to hurt anyone.

The kiss scared her, because Clarke kissed her back and she didn't think it would have been so easy to fall into that again. Those lips were too familiar, the pain in her chest too strong, the wound still too fresh. Lexa shouldn't have kissed her, but Clarke knows, even if she doesn't want to admit it, that Lexa didn't do it to push Clarke, she just had no choice, she needed to kiss her. And Clarke is afraid of how fast she kissed back. She can't forgive Lexa, but her heart is ready to let her in again so soon and she's damn scared.

And now Lexa is hurt and she ran away, Clarke doesn't know what to do because she can't trust her, she can't open up and be vulnerable again, but she wants Lexa to know Clarke is not over her, to know she won't love anyone else until she has at least forgiven Lexa. Because her heart needs peace before falling in love again – if what she felt for Lexa could even be called falling in love – and maybe she won't be with Lexa but she needs to get over this before she can be with anyone. She needs Lexa to know that, but Lexa ran away.

So Clarke runs after her.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trust me.  
> Come say hello on tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/  
> If you like this fanfic don't forget to comment ;) 
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters. 
> 
> P.S.  
> Yeah, I still have to go over it for mistakes :/


	10. Rise of the broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally talk. And a thought occurs that could change everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter's title from a song by Cold Driven 
> 
> So, it's been a long while. And I'm so very sorry for that. I still cannot assure you I will update regularly, but I'm trying. I'm not really inspired in this period so it's going to be hard, but I'll try.  
> Now, I know it's just a short conversation between our girls, but I wanted to give you an update for Christmas and I couldn't really write a lot more than that.  
> So, happy Christmas!! As we should all be hopeful at Christmas...maybe we can even see some hope for our beloved Clexa here, huh? 
> 
> Enjoy!

**Chapter Ten: Rise of the broken**

 

She only finds Lexa at night fall, the grounder is hiding among the trees just out the border of the village. Clarke has passed there before, but she couldn't see her, now that she comes back looking closely in the trees, with some difficulties, she catches her under a tree.

She doesn't really know how to start, but she needs to do something before Lexa decides to retire for the night, so she goes and hesitantly sits beside the grounder.

Lexa doesn't talk, she barely acknowledges her presence by flinching away, soon leaning back without even noticing because her body just craves Clarke's. Clarke notices though and it breaks her heart a little to see how Lexa is helpless in this emotions as well.

The night air is chill and it'll be cold soon, but Clarke just braces herself for the conversation and leans against the tree.

“I didn't mean to hurt you. I haven't forgiven you, Lexa, but I have understood.” it's not a really good start, but it's a start nonetheless. Clarke chances a look at the other girl, but Lexa is sitting stiffen and her eyes are lost in the forest, where they belong. Clarke doesn't even realize that she lost herself in those eyes until a low rustling among the leaves brings her back. It's so easy to get lost in Lexa's eyes, when they first met those eyes were all Clarke had never seen, she wanted to drink them in like fresh river water. Now it hurts her to look at them, 'cause they're still so honest, so open for her and her alone, they're vulnerable and reverent, they represent all what Clarke wants and all she has lost.

She chuckles, thinking about how fucked up their situation was since the beginning. “I can't really heal, you know? Not if I can't forgive you, not if you keep being in my mind; not if my heart is so against me getting over you.” she shakes her head trying to get rid of the tears. She's so tired of crying, so tired of showing Lexa how damn weak she really is for her, but Lexa is now looking at her and she has tears in her eyes as well, and suddenly Clarke would love nothing more than being strong enough to take that broken warrior into her arms and sleep the pain away.

“Clar...” Lexa's broken voice is cut off by Clarke's hand brushing away the tears on her cheek. She rests her hand on Lexa's cheek even after it is dry again, her thumb lying gently on perfect, cracked lips. Lexa sucks in a breath and Clarke shakes her head again.

“How do I heal from this if my heart keeps crashing into yours?” she whispers.

Lexa chokes back a sob because Clarke is telling her that she loves her even after everything she's done and it hurts more than seeing her with that girl from the village. “I don't know”, it's barely audible and Lexa means it, because she has no idea how Clarke could forgive her and she has no idea how she herself could heal from this.

Clarke gives a bitter smile and her hand slides down until it grabs Lexa's, her head leans back against the tree and they stay like that for a long while. The night falls around them and Clarke starts feeling cold; when she begins shivering, Lexa tries to hug her close in attempt to keep her warm but the blonde flinches away, not ready to be held. Clarke gives her an apologetic look that says she's not ready to trust her and Lexa struggles to keep the hurt from showing in her eyes. Then Lexa tries again, this time she circles the girl's waist with her arms and hesitantly rests her head on the blonde's shoulder letting Clarke be the one to hold her, but keeping her warm nonetheless.

Clarke just stays there, allowing her arms to slowly make their way around Lexa's back, letting her heart embrace the other girl's one and trying to shut down her mind. But then a thought occurs her and she welcomes it. Love is not made of “if”s and “maybe”s and “what could have happened”s, like life isn't; love is made of what has happened and what still can happen, but most of all love is made of what is happening right now. So maybe Lexa didn't love her enough to choose her back at the mountain, but Clarke is alive and Lexa is as well, against any better judgement they're together and they can't ignore this love for much longer. And yes, maybe Lexa was the first one to try and ignore her feelings, because even if Clarke was afraid of them, Lexa was terrified; but now Clarke is doing the same, trying to ignore that pain she feels not letting herself being with her love. And maybe this love is young and fragile and could be destroyed in a single battle, but love is always worth fighting for, isn't that what Clarke always believed? Isn't that why life is more than just surviving, isn't it the “better” they deserve?

They're not perfect, they're both murderers and leaders, they're warriors and they could be enemies, but all this imperfection they are together, and together even imperfection can finally be enough.

So all Clarke has to do is find the strength to make it enough, to let love be enough and forgive the betrayal as what it was: a move in a battle they both fought for different people.

Because Clarke doesn't want to be the leader Lexa betrayed, she wants to be the girl Lexa could never turn her back at; she doesn't want Lexa to be the Commander she has to fight against, she wants her to be the girl she could never hate. Could they be that? Could they stop sacrificing a part of themselves to be needed leaders?

 

“Let's go to bed” the whisper is so softly spoken that Lexa is not even sure it were real, but Clarke is helping her to stand and she doesn't let go of her hand, so Lexa allows herself to believe.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it even if it was really short.  
> As always leave comments if you liked it, 'cause I love them so much :) 
> 
> Again, a merry Christmas and happy new year to all of you amazing people!! :D 
> 
> Oh, and wish me luck: I'm soon going to be a big sister again, a newborn is coming... ;)


	11. Let it go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa sleep together. They just sleep though, sorry. But they also hug and talk a bit.   
> Clarke needs to go back to her people, but she's not ready yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am, after an awfully long time. It's another short chapter, but I HAD to publish something after 3x07.   
> So here guys, I'm making a promise.   
> I want to finish this ff, I can't promise you I will because it's getting hard to be inspired when the show is being so heartbreaking, but I can promise you that if I finish this story, it WILL have a HAPPY ENDING. I never say that, of course, because I don't like to spoil that since the start, but now I want to say it, because damn Lexa f*cking deserved better and I'm going to give that better to her as best as I can. 
> 
> They killed her off? We won't. We will keep her alive in our works! So keep writing guys, keep reading, keep wanting this beautiful character to have the story she deserves!   
> Let's keep our Heda alive! It's our job now, we won't let her down. We can get her thousands of homes in our fanfictions, so let's keep this ship up even after the show! 
> 
> Yu gonplei nou ste odon, Lexa! 
> 
>  
> 
> \- Chapter's title from "Let it go" by Pop Evil

**Chapter Eleven: Let it go**

 

They go back to the tent and when Clarke eventually lets go of her hand, Lexa walks to her bed, only to be stopped by the blond. Clarke doesn't speak, she simply leads Lexa to her bed and lies down with her. They're stiff at first, but then Clarke allows her arm to sneak around Lexa and the grounder sighs in relief. She enjoys being held by Clarke, she wishes the girl would never let go, and for a moment, for a short night, they both forget.

 

* * *

 

 

When Clarke wakes up Lexa is still sleeping in her arms and the girl has never seen her looking so peaceful. Her heart clenches at realizing how easy it would be to just forgive her, make her happy and allow herself to be happy as well. She gets up before the other girl can open her eyes and leaves the tent looking for some breakfast.

When she comes back, Lexa is awake, dressed and sitting on the bed, a sad smile on her face.

“Morning”

Lexa jumps at hearing Clarke's voice as it brings her back to reality. “Oh, good morning. I thought...” she stops middle sentence and casts her eyes downward because they both know what she thought.

Clarke shrugs and shakes her head, trying to keep the mood from turning dark, “I just went grab some breakfast. Are you hungry?”

Lexa looks up at her, a grateful small smile on her lips, and she nods slowly. “Thank you”.

They eat in silence sitting next to each other, exchanging glances now and then.

“How do you feel?” Clarke breaks the silence first.

 _Sad. Broken. Regretful. Hollow. I just wish I could do something to make you forgive me, but I know you could never._ “Fine. I feel almost back to normal, thank you.” she answers instead.

Clarke nods thoughtful. “You're going mad, aren't you? I know it's not easy to just stay here doing nothing all day.”

Lexa chuckles “Yeah, it's not exactly my thing. A little peace is always welcome, but truth is this is not some time off to rest, I worry and I can do nothing. It's frustrating.”

“I know”, Clarke sighs. “I wish I could do something, before Nydia moves against my people, or worst tries to form an alliance with them. But Indra is right, I need to know more about the situation before I go back. I can't go there unprepared.” She stands and starts pacing.

“Clarke.” Lexa calls softly, not sure if she should say this. “You should go back. Your people need you and maybe the situation is just the one the scouts already reported. Maybe you're waiting for nothing”, she swallows, “I don't want you to go. I don't want you to face that danger, Nydia is not playing around. But I know you have to.”

Clarke stops and turns to look at her.

“I know you don't want to go either.” She raises a hand when she sees Clarke is about to retort. “I know how you feel. You feel like you need to go but not really want to. You want to help your people, you have to go, but you don't want to leave, you wish you could just pretend to enjoy the peace here and forget about everything else. And I know you also don't want to leave me” the last sentence is added in a whisper, Lexa fearing Clarke's reaction.

But Clarke just sighs. “I just don't know what to do. My people seem safe for now, but I don't know if you are. I can't go to them before I'm sure you're gonna be okay. And it's dumb because I hate you, but I can't stand the thought of you hurting.” At this Lexa feels her heart skip a beat or two.

“And yes, here I can pretend to live in peace, here I can pretend to be normal, just a girl, nothing more. Also, I...I'm not sure I'm ready to face another war so soon. You're right, Nydia is dangerous and I don't know if I can take her.” Clarke sighs and hangs her head. “I don't know if I'm strong enough. I don't know if I'm strong enough to protect my people and be the leader they need.”

Lexa sucks in a breath. “Clarke, you saved them when you were standing alone against the Mountain. You won even when I left you, you had no warriors, you had no help, but you didn't give up. You saved your people and ended the threat my people couldn't fight for years. You did all of that even if you were on your own. You are the strongest person I've ever met. Anyone other would have given up, but not you. You brought down the Mountain with the strength you took from the love you have for your people. You were right after all. I've always been taught that love is weakness and I always believed it to be true. But look at us, I failed and you won. The love you have for your friends kept you from giving up and ...”

“And look what I am, Lexa! I didn't win! I'm a monster. If that's the power of love, maybe your people are right to avoid following their feelings. I killed so many people, innocent people!” Clarke is furious and tears are starting to fall from her eyes. She tries to angrily wipe them away, but they keep falling.

Lexa reaches out but Clarke hastily slaps her hand away. The grounder doesn't give up, she stands and attempts to hold Clarke in a hug. The girl fights and tries to push Lexa away, but the brunette doesn't relent, she stands through Clarke's weak punches and finally manages to hug her, holding her softly but firmly.

Clarke tries to fight her, she really does, but Lexa's arms are infuriatingly comforting and eventually she gives up and falls into the embrace.

A few minutes pass by before the silence is broken by a shivering but certain voice. “You're not a monster, Clarke.” Simply that, and Clarke starts crying again, not fighting anymore but holding on to Lexa's shoulders.

Lexa doesn't let go.

 

* * *

 

Clarke has to go back to her people, Lexa's right. But she allows herself to pretend a little longer and stay some more. She knows, however, that when the scouts are back this time, she will have to go home. Though, is Camp Jaha home? Can it be?

Even when she tries to convince herself that her people are her home, she doesn't believe it. And she hates herself for looking in the direction of the brunette asleep in bed facing her. She hates herself for reaching out and touching the soft cheek on the pillow. She hates herself but she doesn't get up to sleep in the other bed. Tomorrow they'll go back sleeping apart, but for one more night she lets herself forget.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good shit is coming, but of course that means also the bad shit is! I hope I'll get there soon enough, and I believe some more chapters and then we have to leave Lexa behind for a while...but she'll be back, oh she will.   
> I wanted to put more angst in this work when I started it because I was pissed at Lexa's decision at the Mountain, but after this season 3 I just want them to be happy so... we'll get there ;) 
> 
>  
> 
> One last thing, as I said inspiration is becoming a problem...so if some of you really like this ff and want to help, write me on my tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/  
> If you like this fanfic don't forget to comment ;)
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	12. Paradise (What about us)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Non-smut happens and it's sad and happy at the same time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ready for the feels?  
> Here we go! 
> 
> It's a little disappointing though...on OpenOffice document it looked longer than this :/   
> \- Chapter's title from "Paradise (What about us)" by Within Temptation

**Chapter Twelve: Paradise (What about us)**

 

A couple of rough days go by, the two girls don't sleep together again, they speak little and Clarke is careful not to touch the other one. Every night Lexa listens to Clarke's soft crying before the blonde passes out from exhaustion, and she cringes at thinking that maybe her presence will always hurt Clarke.

On her part, Clarke is spending way too much time thinking, she's torturing herself with wondering about whether she could let herself be vulnerable and love Lexa. Could she take all those risks, could she let the girl who betrayed her have all that power over her again? She wants to let herself love and be loved, she wants to let go of all the blood and the pain, but it's a too heavy weight to simply lift it from her shoulders by loving Lexa.

 

 

 

 

When Clarke walks in the tent Lexa is almost done packing her things. Lexa turns to see her and she stumbles over her words. “I...I'm healed enough to be on my own. I'm moving in another tent...I don't want to make it harder for you...” she pauses more than once, never looking at Clarke, insecurity written all over her face.

The blonde simply stares at her, but when Lexa shyly goes back packing a hand stops her own and Clarke is pulling her away from her sac. “Clarke” Lexa whispers questioningly, but the other girl keeps pushing her backwards until she hits the bed with the back of her knees. “Clarke what are...”

“Undress.”

Lexa looks up shocked. “What do you mea...”

“Take off your clothes” Clarke's fixing her with an intense gaze and Lexa is still not sure she heard right. She wants to ask again, but the blonde is looking at her waiting and she starts hesitantly taking off her shirt. When Clarke doesn't give sign to be moving away a bit to give her space, Lexa struggles to slide down her pants. They're not off yet when she stops and looks at Clarke again, searching for some explanation.

Clarke doesn't reach out to help Lexa, she can't move, she's struggling to keep her emotions in check and not break down. She feels like running, and she feels like tearing Lexa's clothes apart until there's nothing left hiding her from Clarke's eyes. She forces herself not to do either of those thing. She doesn't want to run away anymore and she doesn't wish to force Lexa into something she doesn't want. She thinks about retreating a little so that Lexa actually knows she has a choice, but she finds it too difficult to move, also because Lexa has resumed taking off her clothes and Clarke doesn't think she could bear to be further away from her than she already is.

Lexa is slow in her movements and her clothes seem suddenly all too difficult to take off, especially with Clarke's eyes never leaving her own. Clarke's eyes are not roaming her body as she expected, and maybe both feared and hoped, instead they are fixed on her face, they keep switching between Lexa's lips and her eyes.

After what feels like eternity Lexa is standing naked before a very much clothed Clarke and she's all too aware of their unmatched conditions. Clarke wakes from her trance a little then and gently pushes Lexa to lie on the sheets. Only then she stops to finally take a look at Lexa's body, her scarred skin and soft breasts, her strong legs and firm belly, her chest rising and falling at a maddling pace. Her parted lips and pleading eyes, though Clarke isn't sure if they're pleading for Clarke to touch her or to let her go, they're conflicted and lost, but they show so much trust it makes Clarke want to cry. Instead she collects herself and starts leaning over Lexa.

“Can I?” the whisper is so soft and low that Lexa almost doesn't catch it, but she does and her heart explodes of love for the blonde who, even now, is being careful not to hurt her, not to do something the brunette might not desire. She gulps and nods slowly as best as she can, her eyes wide open watching Clarke climb on the bed.

Clarke takes her time again, positioning herself so that she's hovering over Lexa. She drops the first kiss on Lexa's hip, feeling her shiver beneath her fingers that are tracing slow patterns on her side. The second kiss falls on her belly and her hands move to caress her arms. Then Clarke moves up and plants kisses on Lexa's neck, her hand going to trace her collarbone. Down her shoulder, her arm, she lays a butterfly kiss on her hand, her resolve on having sex with the grounder faltering as she feels the quake her gentle touches provoke in Lexa and in her own heart. The girl beneath her is trembling, shaking more at every kiss, her gasps and sighs are mixed with tears and Clarke can't decide if it's a good thing.

Lexa is a mess of emotions and feelings, she never wants Clarke to stop but at the same time she doesn't want to have sex with her, she fears the hurt of when Clarke will be done with her and will discard her and walk away without looking back. She's terrified of thinking that this would not mean the same for Clarke, she's scared to be left craving for a love that was never meant to be given. She's not worried about being so exposed in front of Clarke, she's not worried about Clarke not wanting to be just as exposed in front of her. But it tears her apart to think that this thing that Clarke is letting happen between them won't be anything near love making. And she cries because of how good it feels to have Clarke kissing her and because of how the fear makes it hard to breath. She gasps every time Clarke's lips kiss away some pain from her soul, she sighs at each stroke of gentle fingers on her tired body. Clarke's hands still haven't wandered anywhere too intimate, her kisses are still chaste, but they hold Lexa together. And she fears she will fall apart if Clarke stops.

And Clarke does stop. Her kisses fall on Lexa's wound and suddenly she's jumping up from the bed and she's standing there confused and afraid. She looks at Lexa as if the clueless girl had the answer she herself is looking for without even knowing the question. She turns slightly as if about to leave and Lexa shuts her eyes tightly not able to bear watching her walk away.

Clarke sees the tears slipping from Lexa's closed eyes, her clenched fists and trembling arms, she watches the way her body curls into itself like the one of a child and makes up a decision, maybe the wrong the one, maybe the best one so far.

She takes off her jacket, her boots, her pants, until she's only in her underwear and a shirt and she gets back on the bed, lying next to Lexa without touching her. She sees surprised eyes snapping open and staring at her and lips parting in a silent question immediately replaced by a plea not to leave.

Clarke struggles to move the furs beneath their bodies and slip under them, waiting for Lexa to do the same before settling the furs back down on top of them.

For a couple of all too long minutes they stay perfectly silent, perfectly still, then Clarke moves to face Lexa and the other girl looks up at her. Clarke doesn't know what to do or what to say and she panics a bit thinking she shouldn't have gotten into bed with Lexa naked. She becomes nervous and turns her head to look up away from Lexa's confused eyes. When she's about to turn her whole body away from Lexa, she feels a hand shyly reaching out for her arm under the furs. She immediately stills and slowly she turns her eyes back on Lexa.

There's insecurity, care, fear, love, sorrow, regret, pleas and so much tenderness in those eyes that Clarke can't take it any longer. She pulls Lexa into her arms slowly, carefully, she lets her rest her head on her chest and she welcomes the warmth of her body pressed against her own. A small, only almost there, sigh escapes her lips then, as Clarke finally stops fighting and lets herself cry and feel home, even if it hurts to do so.

Lexa cries too when her cheek lies between Clarke's covered breasts and she cries more when arms hold her and hands caress her back, she cries of relief, she cries of regret and, for a short beautiful forever, she cries of happiness. She gasps at realising she's in her love's arms, safe, home.

 

When Lexa realises that Clarke has been crying as well, the blonde has already fallen asleep, and Lexa's heart breaks again at knowing that even naked in the arms of the woman she would gladly die for, she causes her pain. But that night, pressed against Clarke warm body, the blonde's hands still in their positions on her back, that night Lexa doesn't think about how much she wants to change the past, that night she thinks about how much she longs to change the future. That one night Lexa is actually able to believe there can be a future where her presence won't hurt Clarke but at least aid her. And she swears she will do anything for that future to become true.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here goes another chapter. Yes I'm buying time because I don't want to separate them again when Clarke has to go back :( 
> 
> Inspiration is becoming a problem...so if some of you really like this ff and want to help, write me on my tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/  
> If you like this fanfic don't forget to comment ;)
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	13. Give it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Morning after...  
> More clexa, more feelings...and a certain drawing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again with some fluff. Nope, you didn't read it wrong, I did write "fluff". I can't erase the angst right away, but here's some fluff too. 
> 
> \- Chapter's title from "Give it all" by Rise Against

**Chapter Thirteen: Give it all**

 

When she wakes up she finds herself entangled in Clarke's body, their legs are intertwined and Lexa is almost completely on top of Clarke, her head still resting on the blonde's breasts, the warm arm still holding her. Clarke's right hand has moved to her arm, fully embracing her and keeping her close. Lexa's tears have dried and she feels incredibly at peace in the earl morning, light just starting to creep into the tent, her love asleep underneath her.

She wishes she could stop time and take an eternity with Clarke like this. She knows that night she has found her place and she doesn't ever want to leave that moment. She doesn't want Clarke to go back to her people, she herself doesn't wish to go back to Polis. But she would never try to keep Clarke away from who she loves, so she hopes she will find a way to help Clarke before the scouts come back. She wants to aid her in protecting her people and she knows that Clarke will refuse her help unless she can actually offer something the sky girl wouldn't be able to achieve alone. She's scared by the idea of Clarke facing Nydia alone, she can't let the new commander hurt or kill the blonde.

But then Lexa is thrown out of her thoughts when the hand on her arm moves and she realises Clarke is awake.

 

Clarke has been awake since before Lexa woke and she's been trying to keep her thoughts out of her mind, she wants to enjoy the moment and her thoughts threaten to ruin it. Tired of fighting with herself she decides to let Lexa know she's awake.

Lexa holds her breath and stops her hand that had started tracing patterns on Clarke's hip without her noticing. She doesn't know what to expect, if Clarke is awake why hasn't she moved away yet? Does that mean she's enjoying this as much as the brunette is? She doesn't dare to hope and she closes her eyes getting ready for the blonde pushing her away.

Instead of being pushed away though, she feels Clarke's hand start rubbing her back and she releases a sigh without thinking.

For a while none of them talk, Clarke's hand still caressing Lexa's back, Lexa's hand has resumed drawing non-senses on Clarke's skin.

Eventually Clarke breathes out a low “Morning”, her voice still raspy from sleep makes Lexa shiver with pleasure and desire to hear it every morning.

“Good morning, Clarke” Lexa whispers back, afraid of breaking the magic.

They don't talk, they just keep touching the other, gentle, barely there caresses, the brush of a hand, fingers grazing skin softly. Some time passes by before any of them feels the need to fill the silence.

And even when someone talk, it's not the silence that needs filling, more like Clarke's stomach. The blonde could easily sleep well through the morning without eating, but once she's awake she needs food, no compromises.

“You hungry?” she asks with a sigh.

“Not really”, the brunette doesn't want to ever move from their position on the bed. Food can surely wait, but Clarke's stomach is getting insistent, so she pushes herself up and allows an amused smile to stretch on her lips.

“I guess we should go get some breakfast before your stomach wakes the whole village” she jokes and as she starts to wake up Clarke groans.

“Don't” she stops her with a hand on her arm, “Stay here, I'll just bring something back and we can eat in bed.”

Lexa looks down at her surprised. She's standing naked at the side of the bed, Clarke's eyes on hers, but she doesn't care, her heart is hammering in her chest because Clarke doesn't want this moment to end either and she wants to have breakfast with Lexa, in bed. She wants to spend time with Lexa and she wants to do so in intimacy.

Lexa smiles at Clarke as she stands to retrieve her clothes, she watches the blonde leave the tent before sitting down on the bed and breaking into a gorgeous smile.

 

When Clarke comes back with food and water, Lexa has put some clothes on and she's reading something on the bed.

They talk of small nothings and meaningless things, they even smile and almost laugh a bit when Lexa manages to smash some berries on her chin because she was too busy staring at Clarke's smile. They eat everything Clarke brought back to the tent and then they just sit in silence on the bed.

At some point Clarke starts to hum some song of the old world and Lexa feels herself dozing off. She falls asleep leaning her head on the blonde's lap and it's a long while before Clarke gets up, carefully lifting Lexa's head and making her rest it on the pillow.

 

Lexa wakes up to an empty bed and a tent lacking in Clarke's presence. Her heart sinks immediately thinking that the blonde has gone off when she fell asleep. Then she figures it's better that way, at least there was no awkwardness.

She gets up as she thinks back to the night before. Clarke and she almost had sex, but Lexa is happy they didn't do it because what they did instead was much more intimate. The sex they could have had would have been some broken fuck, a shattered remain of what could have happened had the things turned out differently. But sleeping together bare souls in each other arms was anything but broken, it felt like healing, a sweet beginning to a healing process.

She's lost in her thoughts and hopes when she finds something carefully placed on a stool facing the bed. Lexa picks it up and sucks in a breath in surprise and awe. It is a drawing, a drawing of her. Clarke must have drew her while she was asleep. It doesn't look finished, but it's a beautiful piece of art, there are so many emotions pouring out of it that Lexa finds herself choking for a second. Clarke portrayed her in such a peaceful manner, Lexa looks innocent and young on the paper, she looks at peace, calm, free and almost, the brunette dares to think, happy. Lexa thinks she looks loved, and the thought raises lot of emotions that threaten to drown her, but she can't let go of the drawing. Does Clarke see her like this? Does Clarke see that in her, after all that she has done? Does Clarke see the peace that could have been, the happiness that once had a chance to sparkle, the love that refuses to die, stubborn, the innocence that once existed? Does Clarke know she still dares to have hope? Because there is hope in the drawing. It's hidden beneath the closed eyelids of the sleeping girl, poking out from her slightly parted lips. You could miss it if you weren't looking for it, but Lexa sees it clearly and her heart skips a bit at the brightness of it all.

The flap of the tent moves and Lexa turns around to find Clarke just inside the tent staring at her, or at what she's holding. “Oh, that's... That's not finished yet” she says shyly.

Lexa looks down at the drawing again and whispers, reverence evident in her voice, “It's beautiful, Clarke”.

“Thanks” Clarke sounds slightly nervous and Lexa thinks it's adorable, but the blonde shouldn't be shy about her art, she's a great artist from what Lexa can see. But then, maybe Clarke is nervous about what Lexa could find in the drawing and Lexa can understand why. Clarke has poured her feelings too in that work and it's a scary thing to expose herself so much, but she can't help it, when she makes art she can't keep her passion, her emotions out of it.

Clarke moves closer and joins Lexa examining the drawing, she can admit the beauty of it, but she thinks it's due to the stunning beauty of the model, she almost blushes at the thought.

“Where did you go?” Lexa dares to ask.

Clarke chuckles softly, “I just had to pee, Lexa”.

A small smile appears on the brunette's face and she laughs at herself, happy Clarke didn't leave her while she was asleep.

Clarke almost smiles back before gently taking the drawing from Lexa's hands and moving to put it away. Lexa is a bit disappointed at the loss, but she hopes she'll get a chance to see it again when it's finished.

“Will you show me if you finish it?” she asks, the lightness in her tone a surprise to them both.

Clarke shrugs, but then turns her gaze on her bag, where she just put the drawing, and she gives it a thoughtful look, “Maybe”.

Lexa can't help but keep smiling. She'll work hard to turn that maybe into a yes.

But for now “maybe” is more than enough for both of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo...did you like it?? I'm trying to give you something good before I have to break your hearts, so you should enjoy it while fluff is in there too ;)   
> Comment! Leave comments guys :D 
> 
> Inspiration is becoming a problem...so if some of you really like this ff and want to help, write me on my tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/  
> If you like this fanfic don't forget to comment ;)
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language (and I also still have to go over it for mistakes xD ).  
> I don't own all the characters.


	14. Worthy among Worthless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke finally talks to Erin, then she runs into Zoe and she has dinner with Indra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally our princess goes talking to Erin. Then she runs into Zoe and the warrior has something to say about Clarke's strength. And I did say in the tags that there would have been friendship between Clarke and Indra... they have dinner together ;)   
> No Lexa in this chapter, but she'll be back in the next one. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \- Chapter's title from "Worthy among Worthless" by Cold Driven

**Chapter Fourteen: Worthy among Worthless**

 

It's been almost a week since she had sex with Erin and she has been so caught up with Lexa and her own thoughts that she still hasn't talked to the smith girl. The scouts are going to be back soon and she needs to make things clear with Erin, she never meant to hurt her, but neither did she mean to start anything serious with her. The girl made her feel normal and Clarke really likes her, but she can't deal with feelings for another person when she's still a mess of feelings for Lexa and her friends. That short thing they shared really has been refreshing to Clarke, but she doesn't want to take it further and risk hurting Erin.

But then, maybe she's worrying for nothing, maybe Erin doesn't feel anything special for her and she just had fun, maybe she just likes Clarke the same way Clarke likes her. Anyway she doesn't want to risk so she's going to talk to the girl and explain her how things are. Plus even if Clarke didn't have feelings for Lexa, what could they build over all those lies Clarke has to tell?

So here she is, in front of the smithery. Erin is working at her uncle's side smiling and talking to the man who just grunts back making her laugh. Clarke knows him to be a kind person, Erin just finds his grumpy attitude funny and it kind of is compared to how gentle he actually is.

When she sees Clarke, she excuses herself and joins the blonde outside.

“Clarke!” she greets her with a smile and Clarke goes to talk.

“Hi Erin... I'm sorry I haven't showed up after... after we slept together... I'm sorry I didn't come and talk to you, I just...”

Erin doesn't let her finish. “No! No, I am sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you. You were drunk, I should have never... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rush you into something you didn't want. I...”

“Erin. Stop, Erin stop. You don't need to apologize! I'm the one who should be doing that!”

The girl looks at her for a long moment before she starts laughing. It's a soft and short laugh, but it does reach her eyes so Clarke knows it's a good one.

“Ok, what about none of us apologize? We both drank a bit too much wine and probably just went too far.”

Clarke finally smiles and gives a short nod. “I did enjoy that night, you know it right? It's just that...”

“You're not ready. I understand. There is something in your past that you still need to learn how to deal with, I can see it, that's why I was sorry I pushed you too far.”

Clarke can just stare at her surprised, is she being this obvious? “You have nothing to be sorry about. You're right though, there is something I need to learn how to deal with... I thought I could just forget about it by being with you but I can't. I really like you Erin and spending time with you is just...refreshing. I don't regret what we did, I was just scared to hurt you.”

Erin reaches out to touch her cheek with her hand and smiles gently. “You didn't hurt me, Karen. I don't regret it either, and I understand that you're not ready for it now, though if you still want a friend I'll be here.”

Hearing her fake name bothers Clarke more than it should and she can't help but try to be at least some more honest with the girl. “Thank you” she lets the gratefulness she feels reach her eyes so that Erin can know just how much she means it. “I have to tell you something though...”

Erin just waits for her to go on, the soft smile still on her face.

“I'll leave soon. I can't stay” Clarke hesitates as Erin smile fills with sadness.

The girl nods though and keeps the smile up. “You have someone to get back to?”

Clarke's not sure if it's more of a question or a statement, but she answers anyway. “My family” it's not the most honest of answers but it's the closest one to truth she can manage.

“Well then... I hope we get a chance to see each other again.” Erin is still smiling at her, her eyes a bit sad.

“I hope that too.”

Then Erin hugs her and Clarke can't really let the lie stand. “My name... My name is not Karen.”

Erin breaks the hug and just stares at her. After a second though Clarke feels the strong arms of the girl embrace her again and a small whisper at her ear “It's okay, I preferred my nickname anyway”. And Clarke actually chuckles and hugs back. Erin started to call her Ifi, because she jumped right into dangerous situations when they were out in the woods.

 

 

She spent some more time with Erin, the girl still trying to teach her how to make weapons and Clarke thinks she actually learnt something; and now she's on her way to Indra, she wants to talk some more with the warrior about what she plans on doing once she gets back to Camp Jaha.

She runs into Zoe about halfway to the former general's tent. The warrior greets her respectfully and Clarke asks how she's doing.

“You're leaving soon?” at some point Zoe asks hesitantly.

“I guess so. I should go as soon as the scouts are back.”

“Do you have a plan for when you go back? I mean...the new commander will want answers.”

Clarke shrugs. “Kind of. I was going to discuss it with Indra again.”

Zoe nods her approval. “You should do that.”

When Clarke is about to resume her walking Zoe calls out to her. “Thank you. I don't think I actually thanked you properly for saving our Heda, for saving us from being traitors to our Commander. We betrayed your people, but you still came when our Heda needed you...”

Clarke stiffens a bit at first but then relaxes and releases a sigh. “I guess I am weak after all, I couldn't help but care.”

Zoe immediately straightens up. “Weak? You probably are the strongest person I've ever met. I'm honoured to have fought at your side. When you care, you win, Sky Princess. You did at the Mountain and you did in Polis” a small pause “You will do it again”. There was pride and great admiration in the warrior's eyes.

“I've seen you march against Mount Weather, I've heard about how you took down the Mountain alone, I've seen you fight Indra in Polis to get her help, I've seen how you fooled Nydia, how you stubbornly kept Heda alive, and I see how you keep fighting yourself, trying to punish yourself for things you had to do, trying to take all the sorrow upon your own shoulders to spare others the weight. I've seen you this last weeks, Skai Prisa, and I've only ever seen Heda being this strong. But where Heda rejects her feelings, afraid of the weakness that could come from them, you make them your strength, your power, you make them your victory.” The respect and the sentiment in the girl's words take Clarke by surprise, she's overwhelmed by this girl's faith in her.

But before she can say anything, Zoe dismisses herself with a respectful bow of her head and a reverent “Skai Prisa”. Clarke can only stare after her withdrawing figure.

And Clarke may not be ready to accept the truth of Zoe's words, but that doesn't make them any less true.

 

 

When Clarke finally makes it to Indra, the sun is starting to set and they will soon have to join the others for dinner. But then the conversation turns to Lexa and Indra surprises Clarke by inviting her to have dinner in the tent, instead of with the people of the village and the other warriors. Clarke is not about to refuse what might very well be Indra's first gesture of friendship and she sits at the small table where the former general has already taken her seat.

They wait in silence until dinner is brought to them by a warrior Indra summoned before and then they surprisingly start a normal conversation about anything but war. They talk about their customs, about their traditions, about their children's education, about many things they'd like to know of each other's people.

After their plates are empty Clarke eventually brings the conversation back on Lexa and her people. “Are you really just going to stay hidden here? Do you think Lexa will go along with that?” her tone is not aggressive, but it still is resolute, and Indra doesn't seem bothered by the subject anymore, maybe just a bit annoyed. But she doesn't get angry at Clarke and when she answers her voice is calm and still friendly. That leaves Clarke to wonder when the two of them somehow became sort of friends, though she's surely not complaining. Friendly conversation is always better than a tense one.

“If Lexa goes back to Polis, if she is seen on trikru's lands, and more like if she is seen at all by people who know her, it would mean her death. And by that I do not only mean that Nydia would kill her. In a fair fight Lexa could probably very much beat her, but the elders would not...”

“Yes. The elders. I understand, but how can their opinion be so important? They said Lexa has become weak and she can't carry the Commander's spirit anymore, but Lexa is not weak. I sure as hell didn't like what she did at the Mountain, I sure as hell didn't agree, I do hate her for it, but I can't lie to myself and say that I don't understand it. It wasn't weakness, it was love for her people, she just wanted to save them, instead of letting them die in yet another war. Seeking alternatives to violence is not weakness. I killed everyone inside that Mountain, I killed innocent people, and I'm hunted by it, it kills me inside, I've never felt so weak. I tried to find another way, I made a compromise to save the children, but I couldn't save the other innocents. I sacrificed my soul for my people's safety. She sacrificed her right to be Commander for the same reason.”

Indra lets her finish, she lets her get it out before speaking again. “I know that, Clarke. Although I would have preferred to fight, I know why Lexa made that deal. But that is not our people's way.”

“It's not your people's way, or it's not your elders' way? It sounds to me they're the ones who weren't happy with Lexa's decision.”

Indra closes her eyes patiently. “The elders are the keepers of the flame, the flame of the Commander spirit. They are the only ones who know the mysteries of the spirit, without them we would not have any Commander. So if what you are suggesting is that we just replace them, it is not possible. They have the knowledge of how to recognise the new commanders, they know how to pass on the flame.”

At that Clarke just sits there and stares at Indra, struggling to understand.

“So you're going to leave Nydia free to do as she pleases?”

Indra looks away for the first time. “My place is at my commander's side. I can not leave Lexa, my loyalty is to her first.”

Clarke finds herself smiling at those words and she nods “That's good. But won't Lexa want to help her people? I have seen how Nydia treats her subjects, I have seen how she treats your people, won't Lexa try to help them?”

“I hope not.” Indra sighs “It would be her death. I hope I can convince her to stay here.”

“I can't see Lexa hiding away in a little village for the rest of her life.” Clarke states tiredly, finally leaning back, no more fight in her voice.

“I know”.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ifi = risky   
> Did you like it? Comment! Leave comments guys :D
> 
> Inspiration is becoming a problem...so if some of you really like this ff and want to help, write me on my tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language (and I also still have to go over it for mistakes xD ).  
> I don't own all the characters.


	15. A new hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa spar and after Clarke's confession...Lexa bows...  
> Cuddles involved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lexa bows to Clarke!  
> I'm going to let you enjoy the sweet things while you can, because scouts are going to come back in no time now! 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \- Chapter's title from "A new hope" by Blink-182

**Chapter Fifteen: A new hope**

 

When Clarke gets back to the tent, Lexa is fast asleep in bed. She undresses and joins her under the furs, hesitantly hugging her from behind, her arm loosely holding the brunette's waist. Lexa doesn't wake up, she doesn't even stir, but her hand goes to cover Clarke's and a content sigh escapes the dreaming girl's lips. Clarke shuts her eyes and buries her face in dark curls.

Clarke wakes in the middle of the night from a nightmare, Lexa already awake at her side, holding her by reflex.

“It's okay Clarke, you're safe” the warmth of Lexa's voice calms Clarke enough to take in her surroundings, she's in the darkness of the tent, not walking among bodies in Mount Weather. Tears are streaming down her face and Lexa gently catches a falling one with her thumb, then she hesitantly leans in to give Clarke a feather-like kiss on the cheek repeating “It's okay”.

Clarke buries her face in the crook of Lexa's neck and the brunette sucks in a breath. Clarke lets Lexa's scent calm her, envelope her, until it's all she senses, all the other smells lost, no sound comes to her but Lexa's irregular breath and soft sighs and finally the tears dry, the corpses turn into ghosts of memory again and the blood is not streaming down on her any more.

They lie back down under the furs, but neither lets go of the other, neither tries to change their position.

After a long while Clarke, not sure if Lexa's still awake, finally whispers “I don't want to go” and it sounds a lot like _I don't want to go without you_. Lexa's breath is stolen, her lungs empty, she clutches Clarke tighter at a loss of words, all she can think of saying is an “I love you” that Clarke wouldn't want.

Their hearts break together, and readjust where they belong without the girls noticing. Finally in the right places.

 

** ** ** ** **

 

The day after they spar together for the first time, Lexa's still weakened state making them mostly fair as Clarke manages to push her on the ground and hold her there.

Lexa has Clarke pinned to the ground more times than the blonde though and she studies Clarke's way of fighting, wild but smart, calculated as much as a product of instinct. She's proud to see the blonde has somehow learned to handle herself in a fight, there's still much work to do, but Clarke will at least be able to defend herself without a gun. She also hopes that maybe, after all of this is over, she could be the one teaching Clarke to do better, but she doesn't linger on these fantasies, they're dangerous hopes.

 

When they go back to the tent for a quiet and private dinner, Clarke is more silent than usual, Lexa tries to start a conversation but she doesn't really get the other girl to talk much. So she sets on enjoying her dinner, even if Clarke's sudden silence makes her feel uneasy somewhere deep in her stomach.

It's just later, while they're simply sitting around the tent doing nothing – Lexa reads and Clarke is staring at a map in her lap –, that Clarke finally speaks up.

Her voice is quiet, just above a whisper, and almost afraid, or ashamed, as if Clarke were embarrassed by what she's about to say.

“I don't want to leave.”

“Don't you want to go back to your family and friends?” Lexa asks gently, voice quiet as well.

And then, when she murmurs the short sentence, Lexa understands why she looks embarrassed.

“I don't want to leave you.”

It's so low that anyone would have strained to hear it, but Lexa hears it loud and clear, and the words make her feel dizzy, she's uncertain to believe they were even real, maybe she just imagined them.

“Clarke...” she struggles to let something out, the words catching in her throat. “I don't want you to leave either” she eventually whispers. She looks down, shame washing over her as she remembers that she did leave the blonde, she left her and Clarke will never know how hard it had been, how much it broke her, how it shattered her.

Suddenly Clarke stands up and throws herself at Lexa, a first punch hitting her on the shoulder, a few unconvinced ones following suit on her upper body.

“Why did you have to ruin everything! Why did you have to leave me! We could have won together, we could have had our people living together!”

As Clarke lets it out, Lexa just holds her close, ignoring the weak punches that the blonde is barely throwing at her now.

“We could have been together.”

And that hurts more than any punch, it knocks the air right out of Lexa's lungs, leaving her gasping and burning.

Clarke slumps in her arms, crying softly, Lexa's own tears wetting her hair. The brunette doesn't know what to say, she knows there's nothing she can do to make it right, she knows there's no going back, no gaining Clarke's forgiveness.

Finally she allows herself to break in front of Clarke too.

“I thought it was the best thing for my people and instead I only sacrificed my heart”, her voice is tired and broken. “I gave myself up to be the Commander since long ago, and just now I wish I hadn't”, a first sob breaks her sentence and makes Clarke shiver.

She tells Clarke everything that hunts her, she tries to tell her all the sorrow and hurt that she brought upon herself with that same choice that broke Calrke as well. She tries to show her the depth of her guilt and her love, she bares herself completely in front of Clarke and feels the blonde grow silent and still in her arms.

Eventually Lexa is the one sobbing and Clarke is sitting beside her on the bed, eyes now dry, but, if possible, even more hunted than before.

When Lexa becomes silent, no more words spilling out her mouth, no more force in her voice, no more fight in her eyes, Clarke hugs her, she guides Lexa's head on her shoulder and hides her face in the crook of Lexa's neck. She breaths Lexa in to steady herself before attempting to speak.

“I want to believe you. I desperately want to. But how can I? How can I know that, were you still the Commander, you wouldn't betray me again? Lexa, I...”

But Lexa doesn't let her finish. She stands from the bed and looks down at Clarke, resolution making its way into her eyes. Clarke slowly rises with her, Lexa's eyes locking with her own.

“As Lexa, Clarke, but also as anyone or anything I'll ever be...”

She gets down on her knees without withdrawing her gaze from Clarke's eyes.

“I swear fealty to you, Klark kom Skaikru. I vow to treat your needs as my own and your people as my people.”

She closes her eyes for a split second and goes on.

“I know my allegiance to you doesn't mean much anymore, but I swear to be there for you if you need me, I swear to protect your people as I would my own, I...”

She doesn't get to ramble on, because Clarke is offering her a hand and pulling her to her feet.

They look each other in the eyes for a long eternity, exchanging promises at a far deeper level, and then Clarke is turning them around and pushing her to the bed once again. Right before her knees hit the edge of the bed, Clarke's lips are on her own and they're kissing. Clarke lowers Lexa down on the furs and Lexa takes the blonde with her.

 

They hold each other, they cuddle, they don't really speak, they learn each other's hearts that night. They share innocent kisses, they intertwine hands and caress hair, they lay gentle touches and explore the shared breaths and take their time to adjust themselves to the foreign feeling of finally coming h...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like it? Comment! Leave comments guys :D
> 
> Inspiration is becoming a problem...so if some of you really like this ff and want to help, write me on my tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language (and I also still have to go over it for mistakes xD ).  
> I don't own all the characters.


	16. On top of the world

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke spend the day together, they tell stories from their past, Lexa teaches Clarke to swim and they play in the lake. Then someone interrupts them while they're sparring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff!! More fluff! And some kissing! 
> 
> Aaand... I have a question for you, a very important one, so please, please answer: When they'll finally make love...do you want some explicit smut, or do you want me to just say they're going to make love and then "turn off the lights let the scene fade into darkness"? Let me know!
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> \- Chapter's title from the song by Imagine Dragons

**Chapter Sixteen: On top of the world**

 

They lie in bed, smiles peeking out from the furs, occasionally a laugh makes its way out the tent, whispers and chuckles fill the moments after wake. Lexa is popped up on her elbow, Clarke watches her with her head on the pillow, her eyes open and their blue shining. The brunette got lost in those eyes as soon as they opened at her side, Clarke had smiled at her and reached out to tuck a rebel strand of hair that tickled the girl's nose.

Lexa is telling a story from her childhood, Clarke playing lazily with her fingers where Lexa intertwined their hands. She recalls the day when she skipped study to go to the lake with Costia.

“It was really hot and studying in the library was torture so when Costia brought me some cold drink and suggested we went to the lake I immediately agreed. We tried to sneak out without alerting Titus who was working on something just far away enough not to see us going for the doors, but someone did catch us. Luckily it was only Luna and she tagged along, she loved breaking rules even more than Costia did.”

“Luna as in the one who's hiding us?” Clarke asks tilting her head up just a little bit.

Lexa smiles and nods. “Yes, Luna as in the one who's now leader of the Boat People.” she confirms. “Anyway, we went to the lake and Luna challenged us to a swimming race, we knew the water was muddy where it wasn't deep and we couldn't go back to Polis soaked in mud, so of course we refused and she made fun of us, but she happily set to enjoy the breeze and throw rocks in the lake. That's when Costia signaled me to help her with Luna.”

Clarke starts grinning, seeing where the story is going.

“I stalked behind her while Costia kept her distracted by joining her in a challenge of who made the rocks bounce more times on the surface of the water. Then I suddenly jumped Luna, she was caught by surprise and her attempt at fighting back were rendered useless by Costia joining me. We picked her up and threw her in the water, right into the mud.”

Clarke laughs and Lexa joins her chuckling at the memory. “She was covered from her head to her feet in mud and had the biggest scowl on her face. I was bent over laughing, my belly hurt from how hard I was laughing. Then Costia threw me in as well.”

“What?” Clarke bursts out laughing harder than before, holding her stomach.

“Yeah, while I was laughing at Luna and not suspecting anything from my partner in crime – that's how you say, right? – she went behind my back and pushed me in as well. The only warning I got was Luna's scowl turning into a devilish grin.”

Lexa pouts when Clarke gasps out a “O. My. God. I can't believe it! That must have been... so... fun!” she's short of breath and still holding her stomach, failing at trying to contain her laugh. She imagines a clueless laughing Lexa suddenly being pushed into the mud, she imagines her shock at being played by her friend and she snorts and laughs harder, too lost now to stop any time soon.

“Clarke” Lexa complains. The blonde doesn't seem to hear her. “Clarke” she calls again, trying to sound pissed and failing when the other girl's grin only grows larger and her laugh grows louder. Her heart swells at hearing Clarke laugh like that, freely, happily.

Clarke is too caught up in her fit of laughter to notice Lexa moving and a second later she's on the floor, still curled up on herself. Lexa has thrown her off the bed. She looks up indignant and sees Lexa's pout, “Stop laughing at me”, the brunette complains again, sounding more childish than ever. Clarke can't help it, she starts laughing again. Hard.

Lexa's pout deepens. Though she doesn't really mind Clarke laughing at her, she's proud for having pulled that sound out of her. Eventually she gives in and abandons her pout in favour of a grin as large as Clarke's.

“Are you done laughing at me? Don't you want to know how the story ends?”

“Yeah... sure... sorry” Clarke breaths out trying to calm herself. “I'll be there in a second.”

When Clarke is yet again on the bed, Lexa resumes pouting only long enough to gain access to Clarke's arms, then she lies smiling with her head pillowed by Clarke's shoulder and plays with the blonde's shirt.

“So, while Luna and I were both in the water, all three of us laughing, Costia out of breath as you were just a moment ago, a figure came out of the trees. The person made his way behind Costia and Luna and I had our eyes wide in worry, but Costia was too lost in her fun to notice anything. When Titus barked out our names, Costia jumped so much in surprise that she stumbled and ended up right into the water.”

Clarke starts laughing again, softly this time as not to jolt the brunette half lying on her and Lexa joins her, her body shaking in laughter. “I don't think I ever laughed so hard. Titus was scowling at us, but we couldn't stop laughing, Costia was pouting from her spot in the mud but she didn't say anything, knowing she got what she deserved. Our teacher was not amused though and he ordered us back to town, the whole walk back was spent laughing at each other and making fun of Costia.”

“I'm sure that was priceless.” Clarke says stroking Lexa's hair.

Lexa chuckles “It was.”

They lie in content silence for a while before Clarke breaks it giggling. “My first time near flowing water wasn't exactly fun” she starts. Lexa pulls herself up a bit to look at her companion, arm still lying across Clarke's torso.

“I was with Octavia, Jasper, Monty and Finn. We came across a river and we stared at it in awe, it was the first time we saw one that was not just a picture from old books. Octavia was the first to get there, when we reached her she was taking her clothes off, we watched with open mouths, I must say her body is definitely something ” she chuckles remembering Jasper's staring and then sobers up when she notices Lexa's fake pout and gives the brunette a peck on the forehead. “I tried to stop her, Monty tried to get her to come out of the water, but she was cheerfully standing, telling us there was no need to know how to swim and inviting us to join. At first I didn't think it was a good idea, since we knew so little of this new world, but she did seem to be having a lot of fun so we started taking our clothes off, and then Jasper saw something in the water, it was coming toward Octavia. He called out to her, but moments later she was pulled underwater as we stared not knowing what to do. For a while we couldn't see anything in the river, then suddenly she resurfaced struggling to get out, still being pulled underwater. We ran to her and pushed a big rock in the water to distract whatever was in the river and when it worked, Jasper jumped in the river and pulled Octavia out just in time. He played hero and finally earned some attention from the girl” she chuckles again “Not for long though”.

Lexa laughs along and keeps playing with Clarke's shirt. “So you can't swim?” she asks lost in thoughts.

Clarke shakes her head, “Nope”.

“Would you like to learn?”

“Are you offering to teach me?”

Lexa grins then, nodding her head yes. Clarke smiles back and accepts. They lie in bed some time longer, then they move to get some food and they're off to find a lake.

 

Later that day, Clarke is splashing water at Lexa, the two of them swimming cheerfully in a small lake.

“Clarke, stop! This is ridiculous” Lexa laughs and retaliates, spraying water right back at Clarke.

They're laughing as children, having fun like they didn't remember they could. When Clarke seems to be winning as Lexa is trying to catch her breath under the blonde's water attack, Lexa charges at her and tackles her underwater. They wrestle underwater and when they resurface again Lexa's arms are around Clarke's neck, Clarke's hands tickling her sides. The brunette's laugh dies down as Clarke's hands stop torturing her hips and start slowly drawing patterns on them instead, they lazily move to her back and gently tug her closer, until her nose bumps into Clarke's and the blonde lets out a small grin.

Clarke's lips taste the water on her neck, under her ear and Lexa struggles to breath, her lungs seem to have stopped working waiting for Clarke's next move. When the blonde's hands start to roam and one rises to faintly caress the side of her breast, not quite touching it yet, Lexa lets out a soft gasp and holds onto Clarke's shoulder, leaning her forehead on it, kissing is slowly.

They're only in their underwear and Lexa's skin has never felt so sensible to someone's touch, Clarke is setting her lungs on fire and she can't fit any air in them, can't capture oxygen to get in her blood. Clarke is now kissing her neck, gently going up to her flushed cheeks, her hand still massaging her side, the other one holding their bodies together securely. She's being so gentle that Lexa feels like crying of joy.

Clarke's hand softly reaches to pull Lexa's face from its spot in the crook of the blonde's neck, eyes closed and hidden in blonde damp curls. She caresses her face and leans in, waiting for Lexa to close the distance, and when the brunette does erase any distance between them Clarke kisses her tenderly, slowly, as they had all the time in the world. Lexa feels whole and Clarke feels like they could heal each other in these waters.

The kiss goes on forever, but it's still too short, so Lexa captures Clarke's lips again as soon as they break apart for air. She dares to touch the girl too, one hand lowering to the blonde's chest between perfect breasts, as Clarke's own hand resume its journey, sliding down, passing her hip, touching her ass and squeezing for a second before going lower still and resting on Lexa's thigh. The brunette shivers as Clarke caresses her thigh underwater, slowly and sensually.

 

They end up tangled together, still standing, in each other's arms, hands on bare skin, heads resting on shoulders, hidden in blonde or dark hair. Sometimes Clarke kisses that spot right under Lexa's ear that has the brunette shivering amazingly in the blonde's arms. Sometimes Lexa traces a pattern of small kisses on Clarke's neck that makes the blonde let out soft sighs of contentment.

 

** ** * ** **

 

The scouts come back while Clarke and Lexa are sparring, they've been sparring for a couple of hours, they're happy and tired and finally smiling freely at each other.

They came back from the lake after kissing the water from each other's body and letting the sun dry the drops that still lingered, they walked back joking, laughing, listening to each other's breathing in silence, holding hands, racing each other, pushing and pulling until both fell to the ground and wrestling to come out on top, Lexa always finding herself trapped underneath Clarke, blue eyes pinning her to the ground making it impossible for her to rebel, happy to feel the blonde's body pressed tightly into her own.

And once they were back, none wanting to go separate ways, Lexa suggested they sparred, Clarke agreeing with a “You want to teach me to swim and to fight on the same day, not going easy on me, huh?”

 

But two hours later Indra has interrupted them announcing the scouts are back. The look they share then is sad, worried, anxious.

When Clarke leaves after Indra, Lexa doesn't follow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like it? Do you want some more fluff before Clarke has to leave?   
> Ah, why do I even ask? of course you do.   
> Pleaseee answer the question in the note at the beginning, do you want explicit smut or not? Let me know in the comments!!
> 
>  
> 
> Inspiration is becoming a problem...so if some of you really like this ff and want to help, write me on my tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	17. Just say yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has to leave, but before that she finally gets to know Lexa in the biblical sense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter you were all waiting for. Yep, that chapter. 
> 
> It's my first smut so be kind. I don't know if it turned out ok, I wanted it to be explicit enough without being vulgar so I hope I didn't mess up... Let me know. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \- Chapter's title from the song by Snow Patrol

**Chapter Seventeen: Just say yes**

 

When Clarke comes back to the tent, Lexa is waiting for her, she has food set on the table, the beer Clarke likes so much, and fresh water already poured into two cups. She wears a worried expression, but doesn't ask Clarke anything yet, she only gestures for her to sit and offers her the nicely cooked meat.

Clarke complies without a word and gives Lexa a tentatively grateful smile, her mind still working on what the scouts told her. It's time to go back, she can't delay it any longer, Lexa is safe and not nearly dead anymore, and Clarke's people need her.

They eat and they drink, they don't talk until Lexa stands up and busies herself with clearing the table, until Clarke takes her hand stopping her and stands as well. Then Lexa sighs and finally turns to the blonde.

“When do you leave?”

“Soon” Clarke whispers, unsure of how she wants to spend the little time they have left, unsure of whether she'd rather say goodbye or walk away while Lexa's asleep.

Lexa only nods and lowers her gaze for a moment, but then Clarke is getting even nearer and she looks up into sky blue eyes.

“I'm sorry”

“Don't be”, Lexa immediately whispers softly, understanding. “You have to go back to your people. That's why I l...” she doesn't finish the sentence, swallowing the lump in her throat along with those words they're not ready to bear.

Clarke looks back up at her, up in her watery eyes and she hears the words anyway, torn between feeling grateful that Lexa stopped and disappointed that she didn't finish. Lexa sees Clarke's understanding look and gives a small, sad smile, love pouring from her eyes. “That's why you're you”, she says instead.

And maybe that's all they have now, but to Clarke those words feel so damn big, because no one has just wanted her to be completely herself since her father died. She feels her eyes getting wet as Lexa's and needs to give the girl she fell hard for some kind of hope for the future, she needs to give that spark of hope to herself as well, she needs to believe they can have something more, that they can be themselves for each other, instead of being monsters for their people's good.

“Maybe someday, you and I will own nothing more to our people.”

Lexa smiles then, it's sad, but grateful and the brunette answers simply but it sounds loud and bright in Clarke's head. “I hope so”, _I want this too, I'm ready to try, I can fight for this. For us._ It's what Lexa doesn't say, it's what Clarke hears anyway.

“May we meet again”, Lexa offers her arm for Clarke to take and Clarke holds it trying to smile reassuringly, but it's not enough. She will not leave Lexa as two leaders again, not after the last days they've spent together. And so she leans in, frowning eyes looking down at lips pushed close together to keep them from trembling, and she brings a hand up to bring Lexa to her and their lips together. Lexa's hand trembles as she raises it up into Clarke's hair, her lips tremble too as Clarke's run over them, caressing, promising, hoping, healing.

The kiss is gentle, hesitant as a first kiss and the most beautiful they've ever shared, and it's just enough to make Lexa cry. The tears she's been holding in her eyes finally break free, the brunette can't do anything to stop them, doesn't even want to stop them, because she wants to let Clarke heal her, she wants Clarke's mouth to erase the fear, to bring hope, she wants to let the blonde shape her heart into a new form, into an everlasting reflex of alive blue eyes.

Clarke feels Lexa's sigh in her own mouth and sees the tear running slowly down her cheek as they break apart, instead of brushing it away she kisses the brunette again, pressing her lips to Lexa's mouth, the brunette's hand hesitant in her hair, barely caressing her.

Clarke's heart bursts alight with new life, she accepts the shattering of her world welcoming Lexa's eyes and sighs to fill the holes in her soul, she fills her memory with light green that washes away scarlet red, she finally lets love make its way in her whole body, taking control of her hands, her lips, her mind, her eyes, and it explodes from the deepest core of her heart and shakes Clarke's soul with the most beautiful earthquake Clarke has ever felt. She has acknowledged her place the moment she accepted to leave it.

Lexa is sobbing softly, her heart healing and breaking in a mess of emotions, because Clarke is finally allowing the brunette to love her and she'll be gone the next day. But Lexa feels it all, she feels the love that emanates in waves from Clarke and she knows it's just like the one that's burning her own body. Clarke is letting go, she's loving Lexa, she's filling every broken piece of Lexa's soul with passion and hope and care and tenderness.

They're not leaders any more, they're two girls in love, blue and green wash the red from the other's eyes, loving and trembling hands clean their souls from the stains of blood. It will probably come back and drown them later, but they're free now, for the first time in her life, in Lexa's case, for the first time in a too long time for Clarke.

In that moment, nothing haunts them, nothing weights them down, they bear nothing but each other's heart light and filled with love. In that moment they're only Clarke and Lexa and they love each other, they don't hide, they abandon any shield, they break down their own walls, they bare themselves in front of the other, they breath in each other's mouth, Clarke feeding off of Lexa's sighs and sobs.

When Clarke reaches behind Lexa's neck to untie her shirt it hits her. They belong here, into each other's arms, they belong together and the thought it's oddly not scaring at all, it's warm and it makes her feel safe, Lexa loves her exactly as she is, she doesn't need Clarke to be the good guy, she doesn't need Clarke to save everybody and take all the responsibilities on her, nor does she need Clarke to solve every problem, but she also doesn't think Clarke needs a protector, she just waits patiently, ready to help in case Clarke calls. And that's also when she realises she loves Lexa just the same way. She loves all of Lexa, even the never ending love for her people that brought her to betray Clarke, she loves her immense care for everyone that she considers family, she loves the way she can be vulnerable and all the strength she can put in one word. Clarke loves all of Lexa, even the part of her that brought them here with these broken hearts that struggle to heal each other. She loves it all and it's a shock to realise that. It's something that would have scared the hell out of her just hours ago, but it now feels so right and it makes so much sense, it feels normal and fair, it feels like the world finally sets into place.

They kiss and Clarke gently guides Lexa backward to the bed, she takes her arms breaking the kiss and lowers her on the furs. Lexa looks up at her and Clarke feels light explode and colour the world into a new shade of happiness, green open exposed eyes look up at her as if she held sun, moon and stars, Lexa looks at her as if Clarke were the most beautiful and important being on the globe. She looks at her as if she were baring her very soul for Clarke to draw anew. So Clarke looks at her finding the pure life in her eyes and leans in, pushing her down on the bed and moving on top of her, Lexa's hand holding on to her arms.

Clarke kisses her and breathes out her name as she slowly descends bringing her kisses to Lexa's neck, feeling her name coming out in Clarke's rough, low, hushed voice makes Lexa shiver in the best way ever. Pleasure and desire and thrill run through her like a lighting and she's left breathless staring up at the most beautiful creature she's ever seen. She doesn't know how, in her life full of blood and death, she came to deserve this, but she's done punishing herself. They both are.

They're ready to love, to give and take, to let go and embrace the other.

Clarke's heart finally beats the right tone. Lexa's heart is put back together one piece after the other at each one of Clarke's touches, kisses, whispers.

 

Clarke slowly pulls down the shirt she already opened and kisses down Lexa's newly exposed flesh, looking up into green eyes in search of consent and finding pure devotion. She trails open mouthed kisses between Lexa's breasts, over the thin fabric left to cover them, and down her belly, she gently sucks at her hips and a low moan escapes the brunette. Clarke smiles and traces the pattern of the girl's abs with careful fingers, when she gets to Lexa's pants she slowly pulls at them and begins to open them, but before she actually get them out of the way, she rises back up, reaching Lexa to kiss her again.

Lexa eagerly opens her mouth to welcome Clarke's tongue, she dips her fingers in golden hair and runs her hand over the blonde's back, slowly raising the hem of the shirt and silently pulling at it until Clarke breaks the kiss and allows her to take it off. Once the piece of clothing is discarded somewhere on the ground, Lexa doesn't let Clarke back down immediately, she makes her sit on her hips and just enjoys the sight in front of her. Clarke still has grounder bindings around her breasts, but Lexa's not in a hurry, she runs her hands on smooth skin, she traces the small scars that the ground brought to her arms and shoulders and caresses the pale collarbone, loving every inch of flesh she sees. Clarke looks like a goddess in front of her, golden hair glowing in the dim light granted by the early evening, her skin paler than Lexa's, mostly unmarred by scars, her eyes staring down at her with care and want. It's all Lexa has dreamt about for months.

Clarke smiles softly at Lexa's reverent gaze and gives her time to take in all the details she wants, then she intertwines their hands and slowly brings them over the brunette's head, lowering herself down on the grounder once more. She teases Lexa's lips with her mouth, and goes to kiss her neck instead, the brunette lets out a sigh of protest that soon turns into one of contentment and Clarke chuckles, coming back up and kissing the girl's cheek, her forehead, her nose, her other cheek, her eyebrows, Lexa huffs gently then and Clarke laughs, a low sound in the silent tent, drops a kiss on her closed eye and then finally gives her what she wants engaging Lexa in a long and passionate make out session.

The kisses turn heated pretty soon and Clarke frees her hands to run them over the beautiful body beneath her, Lexa's hands immediately fly to Clarke's hair and soon the blonde is taking off the last cloth preventing her from touching the brunette's breasts.

Lexa sighs deeply when Clarke's hands move to cup her breasts and she gasps out loud when she feels the blonde's mouth on her nipple. She breathes out Clarke's name as the girl traces words with no meaning on her breasts, running in smaller and smaller circles.

Eventually Clarke decides she wants to feel their naked bodies pressed together so she starts to pull down Lexa's pants, she throws them behind her and kisses up her long legs and pauses at her hips, she massages them with her hands and then gently sucks at her thigh, slowly drawing kisses on the inner thigh, she looks up to find Lexa with her head thrown back, eyes closed, mouth slightly agape. She takes it Lexa is pretty comfortable with it and finally slides down the last cloth Lexa is wearing. When she does she meets Lexa's eyes that have settled back on her and she smiles reassuringly at her and earns a small grin from the girl. She pushes down the last piece of underwear and leaves a few kisses on Lexa's belly before sitting up and removing her own clothes, Lexa staring at her the whole time, holding her breath and releasing it at once when Clarke is bare in front of her.

For some long moments Clarke just stays there, each taking in the other's body, eyes following curves and scars, committing every inch of skin to memory, until Lexa reaches out and pulls Clarke back down, kissing her collarbone and then pushing Clarke with her back on the bed, reversing their position, to kiss her breasts. Once she's on top of the blonde she pauses, takes a long breath and Clarke's hand comes up to caress her cheek, smiling at her, making her feel safe and wanted. She bends down to kiss Clarke on the mouth once, twice, three, five times, they giggle as Clarke keeps pulling her down on her lips again every time Lexa tries to move lower down her neck.

At some point they're smiling too much for the kiss to work and Lexa laughs softly as she nips playfully at Clarke's neck, starting to kiss her everywhere, on the cheek, under her ear, her neck, along her collarbone, on the side of her breasts, on her belly, her hips, small frenetic pecks as if she were getting drunk with the feel of smooth skin against her mouth. Soon the kisses turn open mouthed and eventually get sloppy as Lexa can't wait to learn every inch of Clarke's body.

The blonde is sighing quietly, her eyes drift close every time Lexa's tongue brushes her skin, she's lying content, letting Lexa take her time, letting herself trust the other completely, allowing herself to be just as open as Lexa is.

Long minutes pass before Clarke gently interrupts Lexa, pulling her up to face her and wiping away the tears with small kisses.

“You're gorgeous”, Lexa whispers between soft sobs of joy that make her body shake in a beautiful way.

“So are you” Clarke hushes her and claims her mouth again, keeping the kiss deliberately slow and tender, showing Lexa all the care she has to give. And the brunette feels safe, she doesn't feel inappropriate, she feels full of joy and hope, the world outside is less than a far away memory now and when Lexa's tears cease to fall, Clarke gently guides her on her back once again.

She makes a sheet of Lexa's skin and draws sketches on it with her tongue. She steals Lexa's breath sucking on her hardened nipples, rolling them between her fingers while enjoying watching Lexa's reaction. Clarke kisses love into her skin and leaves marks that echo in Lexa's soul.

Lexa is sighing and moaning softly when Clarke decides she has teased enough, she descends on the tanned body, kisses her belly and the small bruises she left on her hips, kisses thighs and gets closer and closer to where now Lexa is desperate to feel her.

She looks up and Lexa pleads in a breathless moan “Clarke”, the blonde smiles and drops a first small kiss between Lexa's legs, still nowhere near enough to where the brunette needs her.

Lexa whines at the teasing light touches Clarke is gifting her, “Clarke” she repeats, “Please”, and finally Clarke brings her mouth to her core, caresses it with her tongue and Lexa immediately arches her back.

At first she only uses her tongue, she savours Lexa and drives her crazy by teasing her clit, never letting her go there. When she has the brunette ready and on the edge, she sucks gently on her clit and slips two fingers inside her, Lexa moaning louder at the combined actions.

Lexa can't breath, she can't think, everything is exploding in her mind, Clarke's mouth and fingers together are too much, the blonde is driving her insane with pleasure, her hands are fisted in the furs and drops of sweat shine on her body, between her breasts and on her forehead. She hasn't had this in such a long time that the smallest touches had already set her alight, and she hasn't had such a strong climax in even a longer time and she fears she's going to break, her heart is going to literally burst out of her chest with love for the blonde, her body is going to collapse under the power of this pleasure she feels, both physical and emotional.

When her orgasm finally hits her it lasts for long moments, her back arches high from the bed and Clarke slides a hand under it to support her, she throws her head back, her eyes feel like they're rolling in the back of her head, her body is burning and her chest exploding, all she can feel is Clarke, Clarke and colours, flashes of blue, lights blinding her, shivers shaking her violently. And Clarke is there to hold her through it all, all of that pleasure she had forgotten. When she comes she does so with a silent cry, her mouth open but only low small sounds coming out of it, she comes silently, her body screaming for her. And then she doesn't know anything any more, she's simply being.

She slumps back on the bed and Clarke helps her, lowering her down gently, leaving her fingers inside her as she still feels small contractions, she slowly makes her way up to Lexa's face and showers it in small sweet kisses, waiting for her to come back from her bliss.

When Lexa opens her eyes again she finds Clarke smiling brightly at her as she lowers herself to kiss her lips. She smiles lazily into the kiss and raises a hand from the furs to lay it on Clarke's back, holding her close.

As she feels Lexa relax, Clarke gently removes her fingers from inside her and draws a wet trail on her way up to Lexa's collarbone. She traces patterns with no meaning there and kisses under Lexa's ear, giving her time to recover, but as she does so Lexa's breath catches again and Clarke grins to herself.

She goes even slower this time, she teases, they laugh, they play, she tickles Lexa and loves hearing her full laugh, eventually their lips lock again, breath erratic, as Clarke's fingers slide back inside Lexa.

Her second orgasm is anything but silent, she's much louder and when she comes undone again she cries out Clarke's name, the blonde, trying to swallow most of her sounds, lets that one fill the tent.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, I hope I didn't mess up.  
> Let me know if I did alright... 
> 
>  
> 
> Inspiration is becoming a problem...so if some of you really like this ff and want to help, write me on my tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	18. Wherever you will go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke say their goodbye. And maybe something else too.   
> Clarke gets back to Arkadia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, I know, I guess I didn't want them to separate either.   
> Life is getting real busy again so, I'm asking you: long chapter once in a while or short chapters some more frequently? This is a short chapter anyway, 'cause now I have to figure out how I can deal with Arkadia's problem... 
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> \- Chapter's title from the song by The Calling

**Chapter Eighteen: Wherever you will go**

 

The first thing Clarke thinks about when her mind starts the tortuous path towards awakening is Lexa. How is she going to leave her? She thinks about leaving without saying goodbye, just let Lexa sleep and wake up without her. But she can't do that.

Clarke couldn't just leave the brunette now, not after what they started the previous night, some sort of rebuilding they barely had time to begin. So, even if the goodbye is going to hurt both of them a lot, she's not going to run away.

Though she soon realises she didn't have much of a chance in the first place, because when she stirs a bit she feels Lexa's hand drawing small barely there circles on the arm she still has draped around the brunette. They go up to her shoulder until fingers reach her hair and Clarke cracks an eye open to see Lexa.

The grounder is staring, she's turned around to watch Clarke, but she's still in the blonde's arms, her breath caresses Clarke's cheek as Lexa lets out a sigh at seeing the blonde awake.

They just stare at each other, drinking in the position they're in, the comfortable feeling of their bodies pressed together, the awe in each other eyes and the love, the happiness in the light that sees them waking together, entangled where they belong.

And for a while no one utters a word, Clarke buries her head in the crook of Lexa's neck, refusing to face the day, she breathes on the skin there and kisses it and she feels Lexa's breath hitch a bit at the sensation. Soon Clarke returns her head on the pillow and finds Lexa's eyes again. No forest will ever be as bright as those eyes on that morning, their green is a pool of emotions that promises to swallow Clarke in its depths, so honest and open, so happy and sad, already missing the warmth they're enveloped in. They look at Clarke as if she were the most marvellous and familiar thing in the world, as if nothing seemed more natural and right than their current situation, as if they longed to reach the blue in front of them and shade off into it creating the most perfect hue.

Eventually Clarke lets out a raspy “Good morning” and Lexa holds her breath for a second, almost sad that Clarke broke their peaceful silence, but affected by the girl's rough and sleepy voice. In the early morning her voice is even lower than normal, raspier and Lexa has to restrain herself from kissing the words on her lips, she has to hold back before she loses herself in the utter beauty that is Clarke Griffin.

Lexa doesn't answer, she just leans in and softly presses her lips to Clarke's, a chaste, small kiss that almost brings tears to their eyes. Clarke presses into it, she raises her hand into Lexa's hair and holds her close.

When they break apart Lexa is crying softly and Clarke strokes her hair as the brunette hides her face in Clarke's hair, pressing her mouth to Clarke's neck.

They both know Clarke has to leave soon, any minute really, and so Lexa does the one thing she has held back from doing since what feels like forever. She has kept the words at bay during all the time Clarke took care of her, she kept them for herself, close to her heart, during all the laughs they managed to share, she choked on them as Clarke's lips fell on hers and now she can't hold them back anymore, they slip away and she's not strong enough to stop them, she has no energy to do so.

They slip away in a silent whisper that caresses Clarke's neck innocently as the words make Clarke tremble and shake. They are breathed into skin and engraved there forever, they go down Clarke's respiratory tract and soak into her lungs until they reach her heart and carve themselves on the soft material of its core.

“I hod yu in”.

 _I love you_.

 

The world stops, Lexa freezes, Clarke holds her breath.

Something inside Clarke explodes, it's overwhelming and terrifying, as well as incredibly peaceful and joyous. She's feeling so many things at once that she doesn't notice Lexa starting to shake in her arms. She has lights and colours dancing before her eyes, her heart is singing and all the fears are pushed back by the warmth that spreads wide in her, one worry lingers, but the joy overshadows it for now. It's all kind of good sensations and Clarke has never felt so strong and vulnerable in her all life, she's never felt so complete and-

Happiness. That's what it is, Clarke is feeling utterly happy. Lexa is in her arms, they made love and the grounder has just declared her love for the blonde. And maybe Clarke's heart has answered back to that already. Clarke is happy.

Then reality crushes back on her and she remembers she has to leave way too soon, she can't give Lexa her answer, she can't acknowledge the words of love spoken into her skin, because if she does they will haunt her down on the way back to her people, they will chase her while she fights yet again for those people she sacrificed everything for already. They will destroy her when she'll be away from Lexa. And so she swallows back down the reply that was rising in her throat.

Yet, Lexa's words already reverberate all through her body and echo in her mind and Clarke knows it's too late already to save herself.

“Lexa” she whispers out like she's out of breath.

Lexa carefully looks up to see the storm in blue eyes, she fears what might be coming next and so she steals the blonde's words with a kiss. She's too afraid to face Clarke's words, too scared to see everything crumbling again for another stupid mistake, she can't lose her another time and she wishes she could take the words back, hold them safe in her heart some longer, instead she knows they are another burden on Clarke's shoulders now and she kicks herself for being selfish.

She's terrified of rejection and she doesn't want to see the pain that might come back to claim Clarke's eyes, so she keeps kissing her, not leaving her the time to talk. When she has the blonde completely out of breath, she makes her way down to her neck, but again Clarke calls her name, trying to hold her back and actually talk to her. She can't bring herself to hear her lover out though, so she locks eyes with her and shakes her head pleading Clarke to just let it go.

Her hand slides down Clarke's body to find her breasts and Clarke finally lets go of the matter, lost in delicious sensations as Lexa's mouth goes lower and lower.

 

 

 

Their goodbye is weighted by the words they avoided for the whole time after they slipped out of Lexa's lips. Clarke is offered the guide of a couple of grounder warriors, but she refuses, not wanting to risk being seen with them by anyone. Lexa hopes with all her heart that she'll be safe anyway.

Indra shakes arms with Clarke and says her thanks to the blonde. She looks honestly grateful to Clarke for saving Lexa and Clarke pleads her to keep the brunette safe, Indra promises to do her best and they share a small uncommon smile. “Ste yuj” are Indra's last words to her and Clarke gives a firm nod.

The other trikru warriors bid her farewell and Clarke tries to smile at them, but her lips start to tremble when she finds green watery eyes. Lexa silently holds out her arm and Clarke grips it as if she needed it to steady herself.

“May we meet again” the brunette's voice is sweet and pained as she tries to offer her lover a small smile.

Clarke shakes her head and suddenly pulls Lexa into her, she holds her fiercely and ghosts her lips over the girl's ear. “One day my fight will be over and my life will start” she whispers before hesitantly breathing a kiss under Lexa's ear.

Lexa holds her breath and smiles into blonde hair as she lets the tears run down her cheeks, Clarke's words are the most beautiful promise she's ever heard. It is a way to say _I want to be with you, I will come back to you_ , it's almost a secret _I love you too_.

 

… … . … …

 

It take days for Clarke to get back to the camp, that is now called Arkadia, and when she gets there she is shocked to find a way more critical situation than what the scouts reported.

Bellamy welcomes her back and envelopes her in a hug, but there's something off about him, there's something off about all the people around them, the atmosphere seems tense, strained, she doesn't see any friendly face and the eyes on her are either worried, expectant or blaming, some simply too tired to express honest relief. They all acknowledge her, some with a nod, some with a smile, some looking away in distrust.

Bellamy tells her not to mind them, some people didn't take well her leaving right after the battle against the Mountain, a battle that never happened, Clarke reminds herself, a battle that was replaced by a massacre.

He guides her inside the Ark to find her mother and they're stopped on the way by a man Clarke has never seen before. Bellamy introduces him as Pike and the man greets Clarke a warm welcome back, he tells her to reunite with her mother and get some rest and asks to meet her in the next days so that they can get to know each other. He hints at Clarke's absence as being the grounders' fault but she doesn't say anything to confirm or deny it. She needs to talk with someone trusted before she speaks with some man she never met before. She thanks him for the kind words and follows Bellamy further inside as her friend starts to explain how Pike joined them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't think you need it, but "Ste yuj" = "Stay strong". 
> 
> I hope I can update again soon, but we'll see, you know you gotta be patient with me.   
> Anyway let me know what you think of this last chapter! I really didn't want to write their goodbye, I didn't even know how to do it :/ 
> 
> Inspiration is becoming a problem...so if some of you really like this ff and want to help, write me on my tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	19. Straight for disaster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is back and Pike is trouble. He uses a missile to destroy an Azgeda village and the Ice Nation doesn't like it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here starts the second part of the story, from now on we'll be getting closer and closer to the end...and to Lexa again ;)   
> I'm sorry for the lack of interaction between Clarke and Abby, or anyone really, but I totally lack of inspiration lately :( 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \- Chapter's title from the song by Cold Driven

**Chapter Nineteen: Straight for disaster**

 

Abby almost lifts her off the ground when Clarke enters the room with Bellamy. The blonde returns the embrace and lets her mother kiss her and fuss over her for a few minutes before Abby eventually pulls away.

Questions are coming from everyone as Kane and Octavia join them, but Clarke holds back the truth until she's alone with her mother.

She learns that Nydia has contacted the Sky People but never said anything about Clarke, she has offered an alliance, seemingly very interested in the Sky People's weapons. Abby and Kane decided to accept a deal of peace and trade, but no formal alliance, Clarke is glad of it.

When the others leaves and she's finally alone with her mother she tells Abby everything, or almost everything.

She tells her they can't trust the new Commander, she tells her how Nydia is treating her people, she tells her how Nydia seems to have a personal issue with Lexa as she broke the rules to keep her alive and torture her.

Clarke hopes her mother can understand, and Abby seems to.

 

 

She avoids the others and their questions that day, it's already late in the afternoon and she's able to claim to be too tired for dinner together, she escapes all the familiar faces retiring to a tent, refusing to sleep elsewhere.

 

... ... . ... ...

 

She wakes to voices shouting outside, Octavia's louder than the others.

She walks out her tent to see what's going on and catches Raven looking at the commotion a few feet away. When she sees the blonde, Raven explains that Pike has used a missile. Cold shivers run down her spine as she waits for the next sentence.

“He bombed a grounder village. An Azgeda village.”

“What?” Clarke exclaims, shocked.

“He claimed that was the village where his wife was killed.”

“Is he out of his mind?”

Raven turns to the shouting crowd once again. “Likely. But most of them are with him, most of them are excited by his speeches about not fearing the grounders but making the grounders fear us”, she points at some people that are yelling at Octavia.

Clarke makes her way through the mass of people and reaches the Ark, going inside with the intention of finding Pike. He’s in a room with Jasper, Kane, and Bellamy, who looks agitated, and other two people Clarke doesn’t know.

“They will retaliate now! You bombed one of their villages!”

Pike doesn’t seem bothered by Bellamy’s arguing though. He stands behind the desk, maps splayed on it, and looks up to greet her when she marches inside.

“What the hell! You used a missile? You bombed an entire village!”

Again, the yelling doesn’t seem to bother him, he just waits for her to stop talking before politely greeting her good morning. “Clarke, I know you’ve had to make deals with the grounders in order to protect our people. And you did an amazing job. But you of all people should know that we cannot trust them. They betrayed you, didn’t they?”

He walks out from behind the desk and approaches her as she retorts that attacking a clan as the Azgeda without reason is suicide, that now they will strike back.

“Why should we be afraid? We camp here, we refrain from taking more lands, all because we’re afraid of savages attacking us with their spears and swords. But they should fear us, not the other way around. We have weapons, real weapons, we can destroy their army in a moment, without even raising an arm. We press a button and their villages disappear.”

Clarke stares at him in disbelief. Does he hear himself?

“And what happens when we run out of missiles, when our guns cannot shoot any more? What happens when they manage to get close, to breach into our defences? Because in a war it would only be a matter of time before they could take us in a body fight, away from the comfort of firing bullets from a safe distance. They are many, many more than us and even with our weapons we could not really win a war. Even if our side won, there would be so few left of us that it wouldn’t matter.”

But he doesn’t see reason, he remains firm in his opinion and he tells her she will soon see that he’s right.

Kane stops them from continuing the argument, he doesn’t look happy with Pike’s actions, but he points out that they need to get ready and protect themselves. Abby, Raven and another woman Clarke thinks she has seen before join them in the room.

The woman inches closer to Bellamy and he acknowledges her with a smile. Abby is furious and she starts shouting at Pike, saying pretty much the same things Clarke said, she reminds him they are at peace with the grounders and he has just ruined it.

As they start to fight, the woman at Bellamy’s side speaks up.

“Now we need to think about protecting those who cannot fight and preparing to fight Azgeda.”

Abby doesn’t seem ready to give up the argument, but Raven reaches out to touch her arm and the older woman sighs and remains silent.

“Echo is right, we have to get ready.” Kane agrees trying to calm down everyone. “The damage is done, Azgeda will attack back and we have to be ready.”

Abby shakes her head, frustrated, but doesn’t protest. Clarke sighs and nods, crossing her arms and refraining from raising her voice at Pike again.

“You should use the Mountain. It is a safe place for the ones that cannot fight. Then we need to get ready for war, you should organise your weaponry, make sure you have enough to defend Arkadia.” Echo goes on and everybody has to agree with her, because, logically, it’s the best choice. The Mountain is safe and doesn't even need guards defending it once it's sealed.

Pike takes over and starts saying they should try to concentrate the fight itself near the Ark, as it still offers a good enough cover and it would take the attention away from the Mountain.

 

 

... ... . ... ...

 

 

Azgeda does attack, a few days later, and destroys the Mountain. From the Ark all they see is a big explosion, then Raven's voice comes in through the radio.

“It's gone. The Mountain is gone. They're all gone.”

For a moment they're all silent, processing the information, then Pike and Clarke speak at the same time.

“Who did it?”

“How badly are you hurt?”

Raven's voice comes in again. “Not hurt. Sinclair and I are fine, we arrived just in time to see somebody run out and then it all exploded.”

“Somebody? Did you get a good look?” Pike presses her.

“No. All we know is he was a man and he was dressed as a grounder, looked like he had scars on his face, but I didn't see it properly.”

“Stay there, we're sending someone to collect you.” Clarke beats Pike to speak.

“We have the car, we can come back on our own.”

Abby shakes herself out of the shock and takes the radio. “You're not coming back on your own. Wait there.”

All they hear from Raven after that and before Pike resumes his interrogation is a defeated “Ok”.

 

Not everyone had moved there yet, but all the children from the Mountain and many of the Sky People died.

When he finally leaves the radio and Raven alone, Pike immediately turns to Echo, accusing her to be responsible, but she denies it and Bellamy defends her. Echo is Azgeda, she's the one who suggested they hid everyone in the Mountain, but Bellamy is stubborn in defending her. 

Pike insists on claiming it must have been Echo, working behind their back, telling her people how to destroy the Mountain. Bellamy reminds him Echo didn't even know the Mountain had a self-destruction program. 

They don't really have time to figure that out because a day later Nydia sends help from the Trikru in the name of her peace with Abby. She sends message that the attack had nothing to do with the Trikru and that they suspect Azgeda to be responsible, she also sends a hundred Trikru warriors to protect Arkadia from a possible attack of the Ice Nation. And Pike doesn't like it, he doesn't like grounder warriors camped right outside Arkadia. 

Bellamy and Pike agree on something again and Echo is forgotten for the time being. The men are busy recruiting people to kill the hundred of warriors sent to protect them. 

 

So that night, in secret and before Clarke or Kane can really stop them, they kill the grounders in their sleep. Clarke and Octavia's cries of warning doing little to help the Trikru warriors. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you can see I've changed a few things... Bellamy has a relationship with Echo, Raven is not inside the Mountain when it goes boom, aaand... How would you like some DocMechanic? Who ships Raven and Abby? Gotta know if I should let them have a thing.   
> Also, I really really don't like Pike, so his part of the story will be...rushed.   
> There's little to comment on for this chapter, but I'd love to hear from you anyway (remember you can also come talk to me on Tumblr justawordunsaid and Twitter Sara_NobodyO, I love seeing your messages). 
> 
> Inspiration is becoming a problem...so if some of you really like this ff and want to help, write me on my tumblr: http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	20. War between ourselves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy locks Clarke up - because he cares about her, right? - with Octavia. But he then has other concerns when Echo gets imprisoned by Pike. Bellamy and Jasper fight.  
> Clarke and Octavia break free and meet with Abby, Kane, Raven and Miller to come up with a plan against Pike.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go!  
> Bellamy the asshole, Jasper the whining child and Pike the dead man walking. Starring Clarke the martyr. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \- Chapter's title from the song by Merry Hell

**Chapter Twenty: War between ourselves**

 

Clarke knows what is to happen next. Nydia can call for the help of the Coalition and wipe them out. Without the Mountain they have no chance at all against the grounder army, and for the first time she doesn't see a way out of this. The Commander is not Lexa any more, she highly doubts she could simply talk Nydia out of it. They can't even offer the protection of the Mountain now and she's not sure Nydia's interest in their weapons could ever be enough.

On the other side, Nydia doesn't care about Trikru, so maybe, if offered a good deal, she would take it and refrain from killing them all. Clarke's brain works no-stop as she struggles to break free from the handcuffs Bellamy put on her when he closed her in a room to prevent her from doing anything against Pike.

As soon as the guards came back from the slaughtering, Octavia threw herself at them, fighting her own brother. Clarke, Octavia, Lincoln and Kane were all handcuffed and Bellamy took care of the two girls. He claimed he wanted to protect them, didn't want to throw them into a cage, but he needed them to see reason. So instead, he locked them in a room. He came in to talk to them and only earned spit in the face from her sister.

Clarke tried to talk to him, explain to him that this is madness, that Nydia will exact revenge. But he left, disappointed in Clarke for not believing in him, accusing her to be taking the grounders' side yet again.

She wanted to yell at him for that, she never took the “grounders' side”, she fought for her people, she sacrificed her integrity for her people, she took upon her shoulders the weight of the horrible choices she had to make, the ones no one else had the guts to make. She made the hard calls, when all of them hid behind excuses of finding another way, fighting the grounders, when there was no other way to keep their people alive.

Instead she remained silent, letting Octavia do the screaming.

Now they're both trying to get out of the handcuffs with no success.

“You know, you should have been here, Pike wouldn't have got all that power if you had.”

Clarke grits her teeth, she told them she needed time after what happened at the Mountain, she told them she couldn't just come back with her people after what she's done to protect them.

“Try killing hundreds of innocent people to save your friends, feeling like a monster but not being able to regret your actions because if you hadn't done it your people, your family would have died. Then we can talk about it again”, she growls it out and it seems to shut her up as Octavia tries to open her mouth but close it again.

Clarke is so tired of her own friends blaming her for not doing it all in the right way, blaming her for the choices she had to make in order to save everyone, blaming her for feeling the weight of those choices, blaming her for every time their people fucked up. Pike is not in power because she wasn't there, he's in power because idiotic people voted for him, he's in power because nobody thought about the consequences before following him, because the chancellors who didn't think Clarke should have been in charge didn't actually know how to lead their people, and now they all expect her to make it right.

She doesn't know if she can make it right. But she's done blaming herself for everything. She could have stayed with Lexa, she could have escaped all of this, she could have left the people who never even acknowledged what she has done for them, never said thank you, only complained about how she did things. But she came back, because that's who she is, because _“that's why you're you”_ , because she can't leave her people when she knows they need her, because she became a monster to keep these people safe and she's not going to let them make it all for nothing.

Lexa showed her she has a place where she can be loved for who she is, not for how many times she saves someone and how she does it, Lexa gave her unconditioned love and Clarke knows she can't settle for less now, she longs for Lexa, but she's here because she has something to give too. And before she can give Lexa as much as she was given, she has to finish this. Because Clarke might not be able to save everyone, but it doesn't stop her from trying.

“So...you've met the new Commander, right?”

Clarke nods, “Yeah”.

“And you said that you don't trust her one bit?”

Clarke looks up at Octavia. “None of us should trust her. There's something really wrong about her, and I still don't fully understand how she got all that power. She's not a real Commander, apparently she only should be in charge 'till the spirit of the Commander finds a new body and shows itself, whatever that means for the grounders. Yet, she seems to have all the power of the Commander and the way she uses it...” Clarke trails off, not knowing how to describe it. “I don't know O,” she eventually concludes, tired, “she feels off”.

Octavia nods and waits a couple of minutes before pressing one last time. “And it's not about the fact that she's not Lexa, is it?”

Clarke sighs, annoyed. “No. Nydia treats her people like slaves, would that sound right for you?”

Octavia shakes her head and they fall silent again. However, it doesn't last long as they soon hear the noise of the door being unlocked before Bellamy opens it and tells Clarke he's taking her to Pike.

 

 

Bellamy is leading her through hallways while trying yet again to convince her to join their side.

“Haven't you lost enough to the grounders? Haven't we? A peace with them always come at a high price for us, we shouldn't bend to it anymore, it's time to fight back instead of sacrificing our people for noth-”

He's cut off mid sentence by someone hitting him from behind, knocking him out hard.

“Let's go Clarke, hurry, before some asshat guard comes looking for this asshole.”

Of course, Raven. Clarke is happy to follow her as the girl takes them further into the Ark, until she stops before an old room that still shows the damages from the fall from space.

They get inside, passing through the broken door, and find the others there.

There are Abby and Miller with Kane, Lincoln and Octavia. Abby probably freed Octavia as Raven was taking care of Bellamy and Miller used his position as guard to break Lincoln and Kane out of prison.

They need to act against Pike, they need to stop him from engaging a war with the grounders, or put him down, as Octavia happily suggests.

Kane wants to contact the Commander, offer to take her deal, offer to stop Pike, regain control of Arkadia and accept an alliance with the grounders, which Nydia insisted on.

Clarke is against it, but she has no other solution. Even if they stopped Pike, put him down and take control of Arkadia, she doubts the grounders would refrain from attacking them simply because “it's alright, we took care of the idiot who killed hundreds of your warriors, we can go back to peace now”.

Octavia doesn't like the idea of joining an alliance with the grounders any more, but she has to agree as everyone else reasons it's their only chance.

Abby promises Clarke they'll be careful, then they get down to discussing the plan. They decide Octavia should be the messenger, Raven will help Lincoln and her sneak out, then Lincoln will lead Octavia to Polis. Hopefully, the Trikru won't kill them on sight.

Raven and Miller should then take care of Bellamy, while Clarke and Kane will take Pike. Abby and Miller also have to discreetly find more people to help, as they will need it when they have to face Pike's group. Miller thinks they might get Monty back on their side, and with him it could be easier to deal with Jasper, although Raven is not so optimistic.

 

**{meanwhile}**

 

Bellamy has recovered and warned Pike that Clarke broke free, learning that his sister has escaped as well. They have sent guards looking for them, but Pike is not as worried as Bellamy thinks he should be.

However, the Chancellor is now back on the topic of Mount Weather, trying to figure out who could have destroyed it. Raven said the man looked like a grounder and had scars on his face and they know scars are traditional of the Ice Nation.

Pike has sent out guards to scout the area; in hope to find what, Bellamy doesn't know. If he hopes to find any kind of clue to lead them to the man, he's delusional. But Bellamy doesn't care, right now he is more concerned about Echo being locked up as for Pike's orders.

Everyone is backing him up, all convinced Echo was responsible, since she could have found out the codes to destroy Mount Weather and she's Azgeda. Bellamy finds himself alone against his own friends.

Currently Bellamy and Jasper are shouting at each other. Jasper is the only one more upset than Pike about Mount Weather, claiming for him it was like loosing Maya all over again. Bellamy is yelling at him that his girlfriend died in that Mountain, so why would he care about it? Jasper just shouts back that Mount Weather was the place where they forged all the memories of the two of them together.

Eventually Bellamy tells him to man up and get over it, a lot of people died and he's certainly not the only one who lost someone, so he should stop crying like a child and learn to grieve like the others.

“You didn't lose anyone, though, did you? Your sister is alive, Clarke is alive and you don't care about anybody else! You and Clarke have killed all those people to save the ones you loved, without thinking about others' loved ones.”

Bellamy huffs, tired to hear it all over again. “We didn't just save the people we cared about, we saved all of our people.”

“I was going to kill him! I was going to save everyone, without having to kill innocents!”

Bellamy gets angry now. “You're delusional! You would have never managed to save them! They would have killed you as soon as you went near Cage! Clarke made a deal to save the children, that was the best we could do for those 'innocents' who never raised a hand in years of their people torturing other people.”

Jasper attacks him then, but he's held back by Pike, who then hands him off to two guards to prevent him from engaging a fight he can't win. Bellamy spurs him on, inviting him to fight him and lose.

Pike tries to come between the two and calm them down, so Bellamy takes the conversation back to Echo, demanding that she is released, insisting on her innocence.

He leaves furious when Pike won't budge.

 

** ** ** ** **

 

Days later, Octavia and Lincoln come back.

Raven and Miller are struggling to keep Clarke and Kane hidden, Abby is under constant supervision as Pike suspects her to be the one who helped Clarke break free and the woman hasn't enough freedom to meet with the others.

Octavia reports the Commander's proposal and Clarke gets the feeling that this isn't going to be good at all.

They all find her terms acceptable, Kane is the only one slightly reluctant to agree. Clarke is more concerned about having an alliance with Nydia, and worried that the Commander might find out about her. She will have to show herself sooner or later and she should start working on her cover up story.

 

 

Nydia wants Pike's head. So they need to get to work.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About the fight between Bellamy and Jasper... I originally meant for Raven to be the one to tell Jasper those things, but it went well with the scene, so I let Bellamy be the one. Also, I like that with Clarke he tells her that SHE took "the grounders' side" and sacrificed her people, but with Jasper he says that THEY (he and Clarke) saved everyone. Yeah I love when Bellamy-the-asshole shows :) 
> 
> Who else doesn't mind Nydia's terms and wants to see Pike die?  
> Come say hello on Tumblr if you want some little spoiler ;)   
> http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	21. Snap out of it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jasper tries to kill Echo, Bellamy almost kills him. Clarke tells Abby the truth and someone overhears. Echo leaves Arkadia and she's not alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone pointed out that in this story Erin is not treated well, that Clarke "uses" her. So I want to clarify a few things about that character: I had a story for Erin, she wasn't supposed to be a character thrown in there to be Clarke's fling and then disappear, but that would have dragged on the slow burn for the clexa even more, that's why I decided to drop her story. But dropping her storyline is why Clarke seems to use Erin and forget about her. In the original plan Erin is a free spirit and one who does not develop feelings for Clarke, she likes Clarke as a person and enjoys her company, she wants to help her because she feels that Clarke needs it, she offers Clarke a safe place. Yet, Erin is not one who would engage in a serious relationship (with anyone), so she doesn't feel used by Clarke and she's not hurt when Clarke ends things with her. I didn't get the chance to explain her character as I wished, and maybe it was a mistake not to try just a little bit, but people wanted the clexa and Erin would have slowed everything down. 
> 
> Why did I put in there a character who doesn't want serious relationships? Simple...in my stories I try, quietly and without putting a banner on them, to represent the different kinds of people who live in the world.  
> Now, in our society, people who don't wish for a serious relationship, but simply look for pleasant human relations, are usually called sluts or whores. Did any of you think of Erin as a slut? I doubt it (and I hope not). Erin is a very nice person, a cute girl, great girlfriend material, and yet, as I thought her, she isn't interested in a serious relationship. Does that make her a bad person? No.  
> The little storyline I had in mind for Erin was meant to send a simple message, that we forget too easily: you can be a nice person and not be interested in long-term relationships, you can have one-night stands and (if you treat them right and are honest with the people you sleep with) be a wonderful person. The way you want to share your life with people doesn't make you a slut.  
> I am sorry I didn't get to write her storyline.  
> \----
> 
> Back to the present of our story:  
> Jasper gets the upgrade as dead man walking, it seems. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> \- Chapter's title from the song by Arctic Monkeys

**Chapter Twenty-One: Snap out of it**

 

Jasper is on guard duty, Echo's cell is just down the hallway and he longs to pay her a visit. He has dreamt of Maya again, she died in his arms again, barely alive to say goodbye, but she wasn't sweet this time, she accused him of being weak, of not being able to kill Cage fast enough, she tells him he couldn't have killed Cage any way, she repeats what Bellamy said, and then she blames him for the destruction of Mount Weather, for not seeking revenge.

Her words from the dream ring in his mind even now, they keep repeating themselves, the same voice keeps torturing him, it talks over itself, eating away at its own words and at Jasper's sanity.

He thinks about Bellamy then, about how he thinks of himself as better than the others, as a hero, when really he's just a murderer. He thinks about what he said about grief, that they all had someone to grieve, except that Bellamy doesn't.

Maybe he should give the hero someone to grieve. Maybe he should let Bellamy show him how a normal person faces grief.

His mind wanders to a dark place as he takes the first step down the hallway.

Slowly he makes his way to Echo's cell, it takes him a whole minute as he walks with no hurry, checking on the other prisoners as he passes by their cells. His footsteps ring against the Ark's metal walls, the sound comes back to him darker than when it left and he anticipates hearing it.

When he finally gets in front of Echo's cell, he's clutching tightly the keys in his hand. He moves his hand to rest on his gun, waiting for the girl to see him before opening the locket.

She looks confused at first, then she smiles.

“Are you really strong enough to go through with it?”

He doesn't answer, instead inquires, accusingly “You are responsible for the destruction of Mount Weather, aren't you?”

She laughs, waits for him to keep going.

“We saved you, but you crawled back to your Queen and betrayed us.”

She keeps silent, eyeing the hand on the gun twitching, she figures at least twenty different ways to kill him before he can raise the gun, other fifteen to restrain him before he can make a move. But she keeps still for now.

“You gave that man the codes for the auto-destruction!”

She shrugs, “You seem pretty convinced anyway.”

He takes the gun out and points it at her head.

Still ten ways to kill him. Three to restrain him without harm. Four to stop him with minor damage.

“You did it! You bitch!”

He shakes the gun in her face, too close for his own safety, it would be so easy to kick it out of his trembling hand, throw a punch to his scrunched up face and then play victim, showing Pike what whining fool he trusts with the safety of his prison, fully setting Bellamy against his friends.

But she stays still yet again.

The other guard heard him and has now run to check on him, finding a lunatic Jasper waving his gun in Echo's face, shouting insults and accuses in her face. The other boy tries to calm him down, to get him to put away the gun, but Jasper shrugs him off raising his arms and the gun goes off.

Echo ducks, ready to strike the delusional boy in front of her, but the bullet plants itself in the ceiling, nowhere near any of them, completely harmless.

Jasper, who didn't mean to shoot, stares in shock at the gun, conflicted and about to let go of it. Then he looks up at Echo and raises the gun again, steadier than before. The guy behind him tries to stop him, again reaching for him, more carefully this time, but Jasper just turns around slightly and points the gun at him, intimating him to step back.

The other guard raises his hands in the air and takes a few step back trying to reason with Jasper.

“Mate, what are you doing? Come on, put that down. You really wanna shoot me? Come on Jasper, snap out of it!”

Jasper tells him to go, run away and the guy hesitates for a moment before doing as told, deciding he cares about his life way more than he cares about Echo.

At least twenty-five ways to kill him as he watches his mate run off. Twenty to restrain him without harm. Twenty-seven to stop him with minor damages.

But she does nothing. She waits for him to turn back around and grins to herself as they hear the guard who just ran out shouting for help, yelling that Jasper has gone crazy.

“You're going to pay for what you did.”

“For what you think I did”, she corrects, calmly.

He lets out an odd growl and searches for the knife in his belt. He doesn't want to kill her with a gun, a bullet is too quick, Maya suffered, she has to suffer too.

Twenty-one ways to kill him as he is distracted. Four to restrain him without harm. Thirteen to stop him with minor damages.

It's not about Mount Weather anymore, it's about the sorrow and the grief and the pain that won't go away, it's about dream-Maya expecting revenge and telling him he's not strong enough to give it to her. And he is not. Who should he kill? Bellamy? Clarke for pulling the lever? The previous Commander who betrayed them? He wouldn't stand a chance against any of them. Killing an unharmed prisoner is way easier – so he thinks –, and hopefully will give him a similar satisfaction, will release him from some of the pain, some of the guilt, some of the grief.

He finally holds the knife in his hand, the vice-like grip making it tremble with the rest of the hand instead of stabilising it as he hoped.

Echo tenses a little as he approaches her, gun still pointed at her head as to guarantee that he can kill her without trouble. Still.

Nine ways to kill him. One to restrain him without harm. Five to stop him with minor damages.

She's about to react, attack him, put him down, maybe kill him in the process. Then she hears Bellamy's voice shouting from the hallway, not far from the prison bay. She stills again. And suddenly she's not calm anymore, she's not impassible, she's not smiling.

She's scared, she starts screaming, she calls for Bellamy.

The change makes Jasper jolt and he attacks, as an animal that doesn't know what to do anymore, he catches her arm as she avoids the hard blow. Blood runs down the wound, long but not deep.

Echo screams again, Bellamy's voice answering from the hallways, closer and closer. She punches Jasper lightly, not enough to make him lose his balance, not enough to get him off her.

He hits again, an animal in a cage, trying to do what he came there to do, and unable to do so as she dodges again, the knife cutting through her leg instead of her stomach. Again she hits him, again she doesn't hit him hard enough to even move him.

The last blow cuts her shoulder as Bellamy runs into the cell, immediately throwing himself at Jasper.

The gun goes off again, making Echo jump and Jasper release it as he focuses on Bellamy on top of him. They're on the floor, Jasper has no chance against Bellamy but he still has the knife and, as Bellamy insults him while they roll on the ground, he uses it. He manages to hit his side, barely cutting the skin before Bellamy realises his mistake and easily takes the knife from Jasper's hand.

Bellamy punches him repeatedly as he manages to pin him to the floor.

He came in and saw a boy who used to be his friend about to kill a woman he cares about, for accuses that nobody can prove and that Bellamy certainly doesn't believe. So he keeps punching Jasper, not even seeing the blood covering his face. He can't stop, all he can think about is that Jasper tried to kill Echo. His friend tried to kill a person he loves because he thinks he should have lost someone at the Mountain too. Jasper said Bellamy hadn't lost anyone, and he wants Bellamy to feel like he felt when he lost Maya. So Bellamy keeps hitting him.

Jasper can't breathe, his airways feels like they're filled with blood, no space left for air. He can't see anything and the pain is unbearable, he barely registers that he's passing out.

 

Miller is trying to stop Bellamy, to get him off Jasper, but it takes Monty and Harper helping him to lift the man from the bleeding mess he made of his former friend.

When they manage to get him away and hold him back, Bellamy finally seems to come to his senses. He calms down, although still looking on edge, and goes to Echo, checking her wounds, reassuring her that she's going to be fine.

She lets him take her in his arms, she tells him she was scared of the gun, she wanted to fight but he was holding a gun to her head and she was terrified he would shoot. He calms her down, repeating that everything's going to be okay.

 

** ** ** ** **

 

“Mom, I need to tell you something”.

Abby turns around and watches as Clarke sits on the floor, steeling herself for what she's going to confess. She sits beside her daughter and gently puts a hand on her shoulder to offer support.

And Clarke tells her the truth about Lexa. Clarke didn't see her die in Polis after Nydia's torture, like she has told her mother, she helped her escape, she took her to a safe place, took care of her wounds, stayed until she started recovering. She tells her about Indra and a few trikru warriors loyal to Lexa helping her, about faking the kidnapping. She tells about the deal she pretended to make with Nydia, all to get Lexa out of there.

Her mother listens, gasping from time to time, but keeping otherwise silent until Clarke is done.

The only thing Clarke still lies about is Lexa's whereabouts and she doesn't get into details about her relationship – whatever that was – with the former Commander, only admitting that she came to care for the girl.

Clarke falls silent, but Abby doesn't speak for a long time.

“Mom”, Clarke tries tentatively, “I'm telling you this because Nydia is going to be here. She's going to learn that I'm back, sooner or later. We made her believe that I was kidnapped and had no part in helping Lexa, but she's going to have questions, many questions.”

Abby looks up at her, still not knowing what to say.

Eventually, the older woman opens her mouth, realising what her daughter is asking. “You need a cover up story.”

Clarke nods, grateful. “Yes, and I need help with that. Nydia can't ever suspect that I helped Lexa escape.”

Abby nods and is about to speak again when a voice intrudes in their private conversation.

“YOU DID WHAT?”

Both Clarke and Abby jump at hearing the angry voice shouting and immediately cursing before repeating the question in a whispered yell.

“You did what?”

Clarke cringes as she looks up at Raven and she starts to rise to her feet, but the dark look sent her way pins her down.

“Tell me I heard wrong, please! Tell me you didn't just say that you helped Lexa! Lexa! The very asshole who betrayed us and left us to die in that Mountain! The piece of shit who forced you to kill hundreds of people. Tell me you didn't go help her after what she did to you.”

She's still whisper-shouting and Abby gets up to try and calm her down, but the brunette shrugs away the hand reaching for her arm.

Clarke stands up too and faces Raven, not liking the way she's talking about Lexa, although she has to remember she was furious with the Trikru girl too and hated her just weeks ago.

“Listen, Raven, you didn't see what Nydia was doing to her... It was...it just... I...” Clarke trails off, not knowing how to express the horror she felt when she saw Lexa tied up, bleeding, played with, tortured, just for Nydia's pleasure.

“Why did you go looking for her in the first place!” the brunette is still pissed and Clarke knows she won't calm down any time soon.

“Lincoln once told us her own people would kill her if they suspected for a moment Lexa had become weak. What she did at the Mountain, walking away from a fight...I know why she did it, I might hate it and I hated her for it, but I know she did it out of love for her people. But I saw it on her warriors' faces, they were confused, they didn't know why their Commander was ordering them to walk away from a fight. They saw that as weakness.”

“So what! She betrayed you, why did you have to go and save her life? She deserved to die.”

“I couldn't help it, Raven! She helped me, she supported me when I was struggling to lead our people, to keep my people safe. She's just as young as I am, for god's sake! She had to kill the man who was the closest thing to family she had, there was no one there for her. I...”

Clarke shakes her head, angry at herself for feeling the need to make Raven understand. “I saw it coming before she did, I couldn't just do nothing. I had to try and see if I could save her. So after I made sure _our_ people were safe, I went to Polis.”

Raven raises her arms in the air in a disbelieving gesture and then lets them fall down, defeated. “Okay. What then? You found she was prisoner of the new Commander and you helped her escape. And?”

Clarke sighs, knowing she has to tell Raven the truth.

The brunette crosses her arms and waits for her friend to start talking, then she listens closely, shaking her head, fisting the air in annoyance now and then during the story.

 

When Clarke is finished telling it all over again, Raven is still looking at her sternly, her arms still crossed.

“You are an idiot, Clarke Griffin”, she decides.

Then she turns to Abby. “Your daughter is an idiot.”

Abby looks at Clarke and shrugs, _can't help you with this one, honey_.

Finally Raven uncrosses her arms, rolls up her sleeves and glares at Clarke one last time.

“You need a hell of a cover up story. Let's get to work.”

She sits cross-legged on the floor and looks at the still standing women expectantly. She gestures to the floor “Come on, we don't have forever.”

 

** ** ** ** **

 

Under the cover of dark, when the night has settled, confident, over the Ark, Bellamy and Echo sneak out, they get pass the night guard who briefly bids him farewell before letting them outside Arkadia.

 

“You can't stay here”, he told her after the episode with Jasper and after Pike simply ordered to put her back in the cell, still believing her to be guilty.

She protested, but he shushed her. “Pike's gonna kill you. He thinks you betrayed us, he's not going to ever let you go. Even if we could convince him you're innocent, he would still keep you locked up for being a grounder, and probably end up killing you anyway.”

“I'm going to sneak you out tonight, I still have friends among the guards”, he promised.

“Leave with me”, she said.

And he knew that, no matter how many times he told her and himself that he couldn't, he would have followed her that night if she kept asking. And she didn't give up, begging him to go with her.

So he said goodbye to his sister, who tried to stop him but couldn't as she still needed to hide from Pike's guards, he promised to come back, to keep in touch, she promised to get him a message when the situation in Arkadia changed, when Echo could be welcomed again.

 

And now he's leaving with her, because after hating the grounders, fighting them, being betrayed by them, he fell in love with one from the Ice Nation.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "twenty-five ways to kill him as he watches his mate run off. Twenty to restrain him without harm. Twenty-seven to stop him with minor damages" - I know it's exaggerated, but I'm sure Echo could be imaginative. 
> 
> Next chapter someone dies and Nydia gets to Arkadia.
> 
> Come say hello on Tumblr if you want some little spoiler ;)  
> http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> I created a new tumblr for my stories so you can check for updates on when I'm gonna post nextand send me any questions you'd like here: myfallingstories.tumblr.com
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	22. War pigs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and the guys take back Arkadia and Nydia shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been SOOOO long. And it will be still long before you get another chapter. I don't know if there are still people interested in this story, I promised to finish it and I hope I can keep my word. It shouldn't be too long now, we have a few chapters to go but things are going to speed up from now on, so we should get to the end relatively soon. 
> 
> I'm moving soon and it's a huge MESS. Also, when I move I'll have to work so that's even less time to write... But I'll try, guys, I'll do my best. For now, I can only give you this new chapter. 
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> \- Chapter's title from the song by Black Sabbath
> 
> P.S.  
> If you follow my other fanfic "Make me love you" know that I'm working on it! I'm at a loss because I know what needs to happen but I can't seem to find the words, every time I write something down it ends up not feeling enough and I have to start over... But I'll be back!

**Chapter Twenty-Two: War pigs**

 

 

“Bellamy's gone” that's what Octavia announces when she sneaks into their hidden room the next morning.

“What do you mean he's gone?”

“He left with Echo”, Miller fills in, entering the room behind Octavia. “Jasper tried to kill her yesterday, Bellamy almost killed Jasper. So they sneaked out in the middle of the night. He asked some friends among the guards for help.”

“Pike would have probably killed her if she stayed”, Kane comments as Abby asks if Jasper is okay.

Miller nods, “the guy who was standing guard with him said he looked insane, Jasper pointed a gun at him when he tried to stop him. The boy went to look for help and when we arrived Jasper had his gun pointed at Echo, knife out and was trying to hit her. She had some wounds already and was barely able to fight back as he pointed the gun at her. Bellamy immediately jumped him, they started fighting, Jasper let go of the gun only when it went off by accident, eventually Bellamy had him pinned to the floor and was punching the crap out of him. It took Harper, Monty and I to get him away from Jasper.”

Everyone looks shocked and concerned.

“I didn't think he was that bad mentally”, Abby whispers. “I know he still can't accept Maya's death, but I never thought he could become that violent. I never thought he could be dangerous, annoying sure, but almost killing someone...”

Raven gets closer to her and puts a firm hand on her arm. “None of us saw it coming.”

Clarke looks at the exchange curiously, she'll have to talk with Raven later.

“How is Jasper now?” Kane asks, looking away from Raven almost side-hugging Abby.

“He's in the infirmary, Jackson tended to him yesterday. We didn't call you”, he adds directed at Abby, “because we were afraid he might have reacted badly to Clarke's mother. He kept raving about Maya, the Mountain, Bellamy, Clarke, the grounders, Echo.”

“How is he physically?”

Miller shrugs, “Bellamy did a number on his face. He has some minor wounds on his body, but his face took the worst of it. Bellamy kept punching him for minutes. He was a bloodied mess when we took him to the infirmary, he lost conscience and when he came to he couldn't see because his eyes are still too swollen from the beating. Jackson says he will recover completely, Bellamy could have killed him, but he wasn't there yet. It'll take some time, but he's not in serious danger, just a lot of pain.”

“Jesus”, Kane turns away, hand over his eyes. Hard to believe that someone like Jasper could get there, but for Clarke it was just a matter of time before he would have snapped and attacked someone.

“What did Pike do?” she asks.

Miller looks up at her, “I think he intends to keep him confined in the infirmary even after he recovers. Jasper could be a danger for others, the next time he snaps he could choose a random target, there is no way to know what could make him snap. The guard who was with him said he looked perfectly fine, he was laughing and cracking jokes, then a moment later he was silent and he looked lost in his own thoughts. He started walking down the hallway, the guy thought he was just checking the cells, but then he stopped at Echo's and entered. He accused her and demanded that she confessed, then he took out his gun.” Miller raises his arms in the air, “There was no sign anything was wrong, something just snapped in his head.”

Clarke nods. “What about Echo, what did Pike do about her?”

“He wanted to put her back in a cell, he assured Bellamy she would have been safe this time. Bellamy was so furious he almost picked a fight with Pike.”

“How is Monty?” Octavia cuts in, “You said he was with Harper and you when you guys had to pull Bellamy away from Jasper.”

Miller sighs, “Yeah, he spent the night in the infirmary. Monty was shocked when he saw Jasper attacking Echo. Jasper blames Monty for Maya's death too.”

As much as she's sorry for Monty, Clarke believes there are more pressing matters than Jasper's craze, he was bound to lose it sooner or later.

“Bellamy is gone”, she interrupts the others who keep asking questions about Jasper and express their worry. “Jasper is confined in bed, Monty won't be caring about Pike. This is the best moment to get him, we won't have to fight our friends, we can get Pike alone with his little group of fanatics and capture him. Then we retake Arkadia and we prepare for when Nydia gets here.”

Octavia is nodding her consent, Abby looks worried, Kane is considering their chances.

“We are still well outnumbered” he notices.

“Not really, no”, Octavia retorts, “if we take them when they're alone and we make it quick, they won't have time to call for help. There are at least five of us, how many of them, Miller?”

“Seven? I don't think they get to ten, now that Bellamy, Monty and Jasper aren't going to be there. Actually Monty might even be on our side after we take down Pike, he won't help us fight his mother, but I think he's starting to see that Pike is going to lead all of us to our death, and he definitely holds Pike responsible for Jasper's state of mind, since Pike filled his head with thoughts of revenge. And we have Harper with us, a few other guards can have our back in case back ups arrive anyway.”

“I'd say we won't get a better chance than now”, Clarke concludes.

“What about the guards? Won't they fight us even if we take Pike?” Kane insists, wanting to think everything through before they act.

“Almost a third of the guards are with us, among the others many doubt Pike or are only following him because he's in charge. I don't think we'll have a big problem dealing with those who actively agree with Pike.” Miller assures.

“Great, what's our plan?” Octavia jumps on a table and makes herself comfortable.

 

** ** ** ** **

 

“Clarke?” Octavia's voice calls from the darkness around them and Clarke shifts in her sleeping bag on the floor.

“Yeah?”

“You can't sleep?”

“Just thinking...” Clarke wonders whether she should tell the brunette, she doesn't want to worry her.

“About?”

“The plan?” she says it like a question at first. “I can't help it, my mind keeps going over it again and again”, she lies.

“You didn't have a plan when we broke into the Mountain. We did alright. Well, almost.”

“You are great at reassuring people, O.”

Octavia yawns audibly, “Yeah, I know”.

Clarke chuckles quietly, “Go back to sleep.”

Octavia makes a sound in agreement, “You too”, and she's asleep again.

 

** ** ** ** **

 

Clarke finds Raven sitting in a corner of the room Clarke, Octavia, Kane and Lincoln have to share to avoid being found by Pike's guards.

“Raven?”

The girl looks up from whatever object she's fixing. “Huh?”

“What do you think about Echo?”

“Why?”

Clarke shrugs and sits on the floor next to her chair. “Do you think she could be responsible for the destruction of Mount Weather?”

Raven puts down her tools and looks at Clarke. “Do you?” she retorts.

Clarke shrugs again. “It's just that...some things don't feel right.”

Raven waits for Clarke to go on.

“Miller said she was barely fighting back against Jasper. She's a grounder, she's from Azgeda, one of the strongest clan of the Coalition...” she trails off.

“He had a gun pointed at her head. Grounders are afraid of guns.” Raven offers.

Clarke shakes her head, “Are they? They were afraid of the Mountain Men, who had guns. But the grounders are great fighters, I just can't believe that she wouldn't have been able to get out of that situation. I mean... _I_ could have got out of that situation.

“Jasper is not a warrior, he's not a good fighter. He might be a good shooter when he wants to, but he wasn't even himself, he was out of his mind, surely he wasn't lucid enough to fight. He had a gun and a knife, he was using the knife instead of shooting her. It should have been so easy for her to fight back and restrain him. Anyone trained to fight could have.”

Clarke sighs. “It just feels wrong.”

Now Clarke has Raven's attention. “Miller said she was scared, he said they heard her calling for Bellamy.”

“Azgeda is not scared. She faced the tortures of the Mountain Men, but she couldn't face Jasper?”

Raven looks worried, “You're right, it does sound odd.”

Clarke raises her hands in the air and lets them fall into her lap, confused. “I'm just worried about Bellamy. He left with her, but what if she actually did betray us, what if her loyalty is to a clan that wants to destroy us?”

“So what can we do?”

“Nothing”, she admits defeated. “At least not now. We have to take care of Pike first, then we'll have to deal with Nydia. Which brings me to: will she believe our story?”

“We haven't got a better one, so let's hope she does.”

Clarke nods and falls silent.

“Have you talked with Octavia about Bellamy?”

Clarke shakes her head. “I don't want to worry her, we need to focus on Arkadia first.”

It's Raven's turn to nod and let silence fall upon them, broke only a long while later, when Clarke's head has cleared from the many worries.

“What about you and my mother?”

Raven doesn't look surprised by the question. “What about us?” she asks, feigning innocence.

Clarke narrows her eyes at her, “Tell me you aren't sleeping with my mother.”

Raven grins, evil, “Well, usually we are not sleeping.”

Clarke groans, “You are a piece of shit, Reyes.”

Raven's smile only widens, “What can I say? I like them-”

“Don't finish that sentence, I don't wanna know what the next word would be.”

Clarke stands up shivering, “You are the worst friend ever”.

She walks away as Raven chuckles darkly. “Suck it up, Griffin. Oh sorry, wrong Griffin.”

Clarke throws a bag at her.

 

** ** ** ** **

 

His men are subdued and Pike eventually falls on his knees, Clarke's knife pressed firmly against his throat. Octavia was right, it wasn't too much trouble to take on them with their numbers almost matched.

Pike is swearing at Clarke, threatening at first, then warning her they’re making a mistake.

“You have already tried peace with the grounders, but they're animals, all they understand is violence.”

She flips him off, but he doesn't relent.

“You are going to make a deal with them, put our people on the line, and they are going to betray you _again_. You are playing with _our_ people's lives!”

Clarke ignores him, resisting the urge to knock him out and be done with it.

Kane takes Clarke's place and she nods at him gratefully, he ties Pike's hands behind his back and makes him stand, starting to lead him outside with the others. Miller was right, many of the guards have their back, Arkadia will be easily claimed back by Clarke and the previous chancellors.

“You let a child lead our people”, Pike starts addressing Kane as he gives up trying to break free. “You let a kid be in charge of our people's safety, that's how so many of us died! You should have never allied with the grounders. The Mountain Men were more similar to us, we could have made deal with them, helped them walk the earth freely and joined our communities and fought the ground-”

Clarke literally punches the words back into his mouth. He staggers falling to his knees again and spits blood on the floor. Clarke lowers down to be eyes level with him and practically growls out the next words.

“You are a pig, Pike. All you care about is power, you don't give a damn about _my_ people, you want to feel in charge, you don't like peace, you don't like deals, you want a war, you don't want to protect _my_ people from the grounders, you want to slaughter them and rule. And you are a coward. Because you are too weak to win your war, so you kill men in their sleep, men who weren't threatening you, and you manipulate _my_ people.”

She feels the urge to punch him again. “You have no idea what I've sacrificed to keep _my_ people safe, no idea what I've been through, no idea how it feels to make such choices. You could have never made those calls, you would have led _my_ people to their deaths siding with the Mountain Men.”

She grabs him by his uniform and spits the words in his face, “You are just a fucking war pig. You and your imbecile mates.”

 

… … . … …

 

Pike is secured in a cell guarded by Harper and another guard Miller trusts, Pike's men are in other cells and Arkadia is once again under the lead of Abby, Kane and Clarke.

Everything seems to be going according to their plan, so Kane sends message to the Commander to confirm they have the traitor and they're waiting for her arrival.

 

Clarke is walking the hallways of the Ark when she sees someone she definitely didn't expect to find there. Thelonious Jaha is talking to a woman just outside a room, he is showing her something that Clarke thinks might be a candy and smiling kindly the whole time. The woman offers a smile back, accept the candy, says her thanks and walks away.

When Jaha turns around he breaks into a smile at seeing Clarke. He greets her warmly and puts a hand on her shoulder.

“I heard you were back, I thought Pike had you locked up. I'm glad you are back safe.”

She reminds herself to smile before asking, surprise evident in her voice. “You are alive?”

 _Great Clarke, maybe you could have been a little gentler about it_.

Jaha simply laughs it off. “I found what I was looking for, Clarke.”

He then shows her the thing Clarke thought to be a candy, which turns out to be more of a chip with an infinity symbol. She looks up at him questioningly.

“I found it, Clarke. The City of Light, where we can all be safe and live happily. There is no pain, no death, no grief.”

Clarke just stares at him as if he were crazy.

“This is the key, Clarke. You just have to swallow it and you can have access to the City of Light too.”

The smile on his face never falters as he offers her the chip. She looks at it weirdly and tries to politely decline.

“This is where we should bring our people, Clarke. We wouldn't have to worry about the grounders then, actually we could offer the same to the grounders, there would be no danger there, no war, no people to save.”

She refuses once again and sidesteps him to go on her way. She thanks him still confused and hears him call after her.

“Take your time, Clarke. We should talk about it some time, I'm sure you will agree with me. You'll join us when you're ready.”

She shakes her head at the weird meeting and tries to focus back on Nydia's arrival.

 

** ** ** ** **

 

Nydia gets there in a day, which suggests she was waiting for their message from a village near. She comes to Arkadia with only a few guards, but the scouts told Kane she has brought warriors with her and left them at a camp, close enough to the Ark.

Abby is the one to greet her and she happily announces that Clarke is back, that she has been recovering from escaping Lexa and her warriors and that she will be there soon to bring Pike to the Commander.

Nydia shows to be relieved at hearing the Sky Princess, the one who earned the title of Wanheda among the grounders, is fine and has recovered from the bad adventure.

As if on clue, Clarke walks out of the Ark, Octavia, Lincoln and Miller following her with Pike.

As the man sees the new Trikru Commander he understands he's walking to his death and he starts shouting at the people to help him, to kill the grounders in their camp, to follow him-

He chokes on his words when Octavia punches him in the throat and Lincoln and Miller have to catch him before he falls.

Clarke watches as Nydia laughs amused, praising the brunette's action with her cold smile. Her stomach turns at the idea of dealing again with that woman, Clarke forces herself to resist the urge to raise her gun and shoot Nydia right where she stands. She has a feeling that would make everything better, but rationally she knows it would start a war with the Trikru, exactly what they're trying to avoid by taking this deal.

She pushes Pike in front of her and on his knees, but she waits for one of the Chancellors to speak.

As Abby stays silent, Kane talks in her place, “As promised, Commander, this is the traitor who broke our deal and killed your warriors after taking control of Arkadia.”

Clarke fights the need to roll her eyes at the misplaced title.

Nydia offers him a sickening sweet smile and points out, “I asked for his head.”

Clarke hears the implied challenge as the blue eyes fall on her. Abby is about to object, Kane turns to look at Clarke for any suggestion, but Clarke keeps her eyes on Nydia's as she draws a thick hunting knife from her belt and takes a step towards Pike.

She diverts her eyes just for a moment to grab Pike's head, a hand firmly on his chin to keep his head well lifted upward, he struggles but Lincoln reaches to help her and keep him still.

Lincoln kneels beside her, keeping the man still, he's the only one who understands perfectly what Clarke is doing and why she has to do it. Abby looks like she wants to cover her eyes and Clarke mentally begs her not to, Kane looks like he has to fight himself not to stop her, Octavia is steeling herself on Clarke's other side and Miller is trying to hide the horror on his face. The other people around them are gasping or holding their breath, some stepping back in fear.

Clarke brings the blade against his neck and looks up again, straight at the woman who has taken a few steps forward and is now right in front of her. She waits for him to speak his last words.

He decides to address the crowd around them. “She will lead you all to your death”.

Then Clarke slices his throat.

He makes a gurgling noise and his body starts convulsing before it goes limp. Pike's dead. But Lincoln doesn't let his body slide to the ground, knowing Clarke's job is not done.

Nydia watches on expectantly and Clarke steels herself before striking down on the corpse's neck with the thick blade. She repeats the motion again and again, Pike's head starting to sever from the body.

All through the gruesome scene Clarke keeps her eyes on Nydia's as best as she can, looking down only to check on what she's doing.

Abby turns away, not able to stand the sight of her daughter tearing off the head of a dead man, covered in his blood, a stone cold expression on her face. Kane eventually averts his eyes as well, fighting the urge to step away. Octavia is keeping her stare trained on Clarke, she avoids looking at Pike but tries hard to keep up a composed facade, Miller is staring at Clarke in horror, his posture forgotten. In the crowd some are whispering, some are running away from the scene, a few are screaming, many are crying.

Among all of that, Lincoln keeps looking, knowing they own it to Clarke to look, as it is way harder for her to do it than for them to stand the sight.

Clarke finds herself feeling nothing, she's not disgusted by her actions, although she's sure the disgust will come later, she doesn't feel anything but the icy cold of Nydia's blue dull eyes that sparkle with dark amusement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked the way I decided to kill Pike... there's just no way he's going to keep his life in my fanfics, ops.  
> Please do leave a comment! 
> 
> Come say hello on Tumblr if you want some little spoiler ;)  
> http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> I created a new tumblr for my stories so you can check for updates on when I'm gonna post nextand send me any questions you'd like here: myfallingstories.tumblr.com
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


	23. Under the knife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans don't always work out.  
> Bellamy, Octavia, Abby and Kane make mistakes and Clarke has to answer for them.  
> Nydia makes her demand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter Clarke is done putting up with everybody's shit, she's done blaming herself for her people's mistakes. I think it's about time, don't you? 
> 
> New chapter for you! Hopefully I'll get the next one done soon, but no promises, I've really got a lot to do. 
> 
> Enjoy! 
> 
> \- Chapter's title from the song by Icon for Hire

**Chapter Twenty-Three:** **Under the knife**

 

“You see, Clarke, I truly liked you, back in Polis. You are the perfect liar. We would have made a great team”.

The snake-like voice makes her sick. Her mother is looking at her apologetically, Clarke wishes Abby had trusted her. But maybe they’d still be in this situation.

Octavia and Lincoln are shackled to the wall, she’s glaring daggers at the grounders and she struggles now and then, just to remind them she won’t go easily. Bellamy is on the floor, not far from her, he’s tied up and is staring at the back of the dirty blonde in the centre of the room, betrayal, pain and rage in his eyes.

Clarke wishes he had been smarter. Once she would have blamed herself over anyone else for what is happening. Now she knows better. She gave everything for her people and they repaid her with betrayal, mistrust and hatred. They followed Pike and didn’t listen to her when she came back, they put the weight of death on her so that they don’t have to face it.

Once Clarke would have taken it, she would have let herself sink under that weight, she would have agreed with them as they accused her. Now she is just tired. She hasn’t forgiven herself, but Lexa has showed her sometimes there is no forgiveness, and she has given her a peek of what peace she could still have.

She left to help her people, she left because she couldn’t abandon her people, but she left with the intention of coming back, some day. She doesn’t know if she will be able to, but now she allows herself to want it. She allows herself to wish for something.

Because maybe she doesn’t have to blame everything on herself. Her people fucked up. Badly. Her people made awful decisions, they brought this on themselves. She will save them at all costs, but she will not take the blame for them, she will not support the weight in their place. She will get them out of here alive, but when it’s all over she will leave and finally take care of herself.

 

Or so she thought.

So she thought, until Nydia makes her demand.

“I want Lexa. Bring Lexa to me, your mother and your friends live. Fail to bring her to me, they die”. She smiles sadistically, “I think you know it won’t be a quick death. You know I like to play with my toys”.

 

 

 

 

**{Previously}**

 

Everything seems to be going well as Nydia accepts Pike’s head and leaves Arkadia saying she’ll send message to let them know when the official meeting will take place. She only tells Clarke she is glad to see her alive and well. The blonde forces herself to smile, Pike’s blood still covering her body, her face.

Nydia doesn’t ask about Lexa, she doesn’t ask Clarke how she escaped from Indra’s abduction, she doesn’t ask a single question. She wishes Clarke, Abby and Kane well, offering hopes that they can get Arkadia back under control smoothly, and then she’s gone.

The Sky People are left to deal with Pike’s headless body.

All in all, they consider it a small victory. Raven and Abby are confident Nydia believed the story, Clarke is slightly less worried than before, and everyone seems less on edge. They still have to deal with Pike’s men, but everything seems easier.

Clarke knows is all an illusion, but she makes the mistake of hoping for the best.

 

Octavia goes missing two days later.

With Pike dead she sent message to Bellamy that it’s safe for Echo and him to return, but her brother never answered. It could not have taken more than a few hours to deliver the message and without hearing back from him, Octavia got worried. Knowing where they’re hiding, she left to find them.

Lincoln has gone with her and has been the one to leave the message Raven finds the next morning.

Clarke tries not to worry, knowing Lincoln and Octavia are going to be safe as long as they’re together and she knows they wouldn’t split up. She tries not to, but worry finds her anyway.

 

A day after that, Nydia’s message comes, summoning the Sky leaders for a meeting.

Clarke never knows about it.

Abby and Kane leave Arkadia with orders not to tell Clarke where they’re going. Abby thinks it is best for their people if Clarke does not attend the meeting. She knows her daughter doesn’t trust Nydia at all, but she fears Clarke’s reaction is exaggerated because she cared for the previous Commander. Abby acknowledges that Nydia is cruel and violent, she acknowledges that she is dangerous and not to be trusted, that she is probably ready to do anything to get what she wants and that she’s not someone to underestimate.

But, in Abby’s experience, that makes her a leader, not a monster. So she will be careful, she will be wary, but she will be reasonable – which is not something she trusts Clarke to be right now.

She understands Clarke has been through a lot, more than she should have had to. That’s why she has to step up and do what she has failed to do before. She let Clarke lead their people and let her carry the weight. It is time Abby takes back the role and the responsibility, for her daughter needs to rest and heal.

 

When Clarke finds out she yells at Raven for not telling her.

When Miller approaches her as she’s about to leave Arkadia and get to that meeting, she only listens to him because he had no part in keeping the information from her. He reasons with her and she gets down from the horse. He tells Clarke if she goes there now, Nydia will see a weakness in their being divided and she will have something else to exploit.

Raven tells her to trust Abby and Kane, they can handle it.

Clarke can’t stop herself from thinking harshly, _like they handled the situation here while I was gone?_ _Or maybe like they handled Pike’s execution the other day?_

She scolds herself for those thoughts, she feels guilty for thinking them, but for the first time she can’t find it in her to deny them.

She only stays because Miller might be right. Nydia would see a weakness if she understood Clarke was being kept in the shadows.

 

 

Later, when she gets the message from Nydia, dread and pure terror fill her.

When Raven tells her to just give Lexa up if Nydia asks for her, Clarke can feel anger starting to erupt from her chest. She can’t give up Lexa. She can’t betray her now that she’s still so vulnerable. She can’t give Lexa’s life because of her people’s mistakes. She told Abby and Kane not to trust Nydia, she told them, and they still hadn’t listened. They still consider her a child, not mature enough to make actual decisions. They weren’t forced to make half the hard calls she had to do.

But if there is no other option, will she let her own mother die to save Lexa? She has let innocents die, even people who helped them, just to save her people. Will it be different now? Should it be?

Lexa chose to betray her when the choice was hers. What should Clarke do? Lexa would understand, but can Clarke live with that?

Lexa betrayed her to save many people, like she did at the Mountain. Can she give Lexa’s life for her mother’s and Kane’s?

She has no idea what she will decide, what she could decide. Miller and Raven try to calm her down, he tells her they don’t know what Nydia wants, they can’t be sure. Raven tells her it’s useless to panic, they need to be quick and think of all the possibilities they have.

Clarke tries really hard to listen to them, she tries to appreciate their help, but a part of her mind is still caught in the torment, she can’t shake the fear off her heart. She’s alone in front of the Mountain all over again.

 

 

**{Present time}**

 

When Clarke, Raven, Miller and Monty were done going over every possible plan, the Sky leader finally left Arkadia and went to meet Nydia, cold sweat running down her back, dread suffocating her heart.

 

Echo betrayed Bellamy, she was an enemy all along, Pike might even have been right about her. Octavia and Lincoln got caught when they went looking for Bellamy.

Something didn’t add up at first, Echo is Azgeda, why would she side with the Trikru Commander?

Then Clarke’s eyes met icy ones, cruel and filled with violence. Finally she understood what seemed so wrong about them, they perfectly fit the description Lexa made of those of the Ice Queen. But Nydia is not the Queen, she knows that much for sure. Nydia is Azgeda though, she has to be.

After Clarke picked up on that it finally made sense that Echo betrayed Bellamy for them. Echo has been a spy all along, Nydia, or the Queen, wanted someone on the inside. Who knows how much she leaked to the new Commander.

 

As Nydia makes her demand, Clarke’s world stop spinning for a long moment. Now she has to face that impossible choice.

 

 

Eventually, after long minutes of silence and after screams from Abby, Octavia and Bellamy as Nydia started torturing them, Clarke whispers her answer.

With one word she destroys herself all over again, with one word she throws herself right back in the empty darkness she fell into after the Mountain. With one word she annihilates her future and her hope. One word that is like a knife straight to the heart.

She has murdered innocent warriors acting under orders, for her people. She has killed her friend and lover, for her people. She has slaughtered innocents, for her people. She has cut the head off of a dead body after killing the man, for her people.

She has died so many times for her people. Now she dies once more, for her people.

“I’ll do it”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like it? Is Clarke going to betray Lexa just like that? After all they've been through? Hum, we're going to find out soon. Only a few (maybe 3) chapters to go!  
> Please do leave a comment!
> 
> Come say hello on Tumblr if you want some little spoiler ;)  
> http://justawordunsaid.tumblr.com/
> 
> I created a new tumblr for my stories so you can check for updates on when I'm gonna post nextand send me any questions you'd like here: myfallingstories.tumblr.com
> 
> Forgive me for mistakes, English is not my first language.  
> I don't own all the characters.


End file.
